In my new apartment, I will have exactly as many books as fit onto my shelves, and they will remain color-coded for eternity. I will also reread them all and maintain a perfect memory of exactly what happens.

1. Whenever I get sick, I also feel like the world around me should wither and decay out of respect for my discomfort.

There are people who will tell you that the most important thing to remember when trying to pick someone up is confidence, that you miss all the shots you never take, that the worst thing that can happen to you when you put yourself out there is hearing the word "no."

Forgot to brush my teeth the other night.

Didn’t water my plants and now the universe is punishing me.

Lack of willpower.

Putting the finishing touches on a scathing satirical novel about this place.

How Home Alone Shows the Stress of Holidays On Introverts

Home Alone and Vulnerable: Today’s Youth Wouldn’t Hear Intruders Through Their Headphones

The Benefits of Teaching Practical Problem-Solving Skills to Millennials

“Santa Baby, Thanks for Not Evaluating Me Based on How Many Fellas I’ve Kissed”

“Mary, Did You Know That You Have 12 Months of Paid Family Leave?”

“O Little Town of Bethlehem, How Many and Affordable Are Thy Health Care Choices for Women”

THE HOBBIES ISSUE!

You’re writing your manuscript with Jennifer Lawrence in mind to speed up the book optioning process.

He's so hard to shop for! He's just so hard to shop for! He is just so hard to shop for! Aren't men just the hardest to shop for? What can you buy a man? A handful of dust, and nothing.

This is the definitive comparison of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as other foursomes.

"The Prince Who Kept A Normal Sleep Schedule Despite Six Months Of Daylight" and other beloved Antarctic fairy tales.

some guy

Come with me, my darling!

I shall take you to places you’ve never been!

You will be

SO

VERY

ANXIOUS

She woke up like she did every day: slowly pulling her motorcycle helmet off, then shaking her head slowly back and forth to reveal a long, blonde ponytail. Everyone gasped. "That's right," she said, kicking the winning football goal before sliding into a sheer, sexy camisole under a blazer and playing as hard as she worked, "I've been a girl this whole time."