If Sarah Paulson were your girlfriend, you’d always take your makeup off before going to bed. In fact, you’d take each other’s makeup off. As you softly wiped her face with a high-end cleanser, she’d say, “everything is so easy with you.”
If Jason Bateman were your boyfriend, you would know who exactly had wronged him, and would help him enact the occasional petty revenge. “You're…really good at this, honey,” he'd say, with mild alarm in his voice as you prepare the glitter trap.
1. Because you haven't been able to find a stable office job in more than four years and coffee shops are some of the only places you can afford to spend more than half an hour in without having to admit you can no longer keep up with your friends financially
2. Because your parents romanticized blue-collar labor
The Five Love Languages is a bestselling book that discusses the five essential ways that people "speak and understand emotional love." The primary love languages include Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch, but many readers are unaware of the remaining seventeen categories, which are:
If Misty Copeland were your girlfriend, you'd be able to hold a wall sit for eight minutes without shaking.
If Misty Copeland were your girlfriend, Lululemon stores would close instantly the moment you walked past them. They'd just drag down the curtains and put tissue paper over all the clothes and walk out into the afternoon together, eyes blinking in the sun.
If Evan Peters were your boyfriend, you guys would spend the summer outside Florence, at the Villa Medicea di Cafaggiolo. Every day you would explore the Uffizi and come back at night to hold a seance for the ghost of Eleonora di Garzia di Toledo, strangled to death with a dog leash by her jealous husband.
All credit to Alexandra Petri, by the way, for bringing this fact into my life completely unsolicited and of whom I will always endeavor to be worthy. But, yes, W. Somerset Maugham, who described himself in his own autobiography as being "in the first rank of second-raters," one time had a sex dream about Percy Shelley.
"I offer myself to Thee – to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy power, Thy love, and Thy way of life. May I do Thy will always! Show me how to live."
Every line of this is horrifyingly cringe-inducing, but this – this, beloveds – if you are ever considering putting on a blonde wig and flying to your ex-fiancé's house, please call me first, and I will take you out for...for literally anything. Anything else.
If Jenny Lewis were your girlfriend, one day you’d come home to find her painting a giant rainbow on your living room wall and you wouldn’t even be mad. “It’s beautiful,” you would say, setting down the gluten-free pizza you brought home. “No, you are,” she would reply, stroking your cheek with a wet paintbrush.
If Jenny Lewis were your girlfriend, your bangs would never need to be trimmed.