Dirtbags

Imagine a teen, riding a skateboard, smoking a cigarette, forever.

  1. WHERE ARE MY JAMMIES
    sir they're right where you left them
    NOT THOSE
    THOSE ARE MY CIGAR JAMMIES
    I WANT MY WHISKEY JAMMIES
    I ONLY WEAR THE CIGAR JAMMIES WHEN I'M SMOKING CIGARS
    here they are, sir
    ARE YOU BLIND
    THOSE ARE MY UNDERSECRETARY JAMMIES
    I HAVEN'T WORN THOSE SINCE THE BOER WAR

    82 comments
  2. ZENOBIA: I would like to discuss the possibility of hiring another housekeeper if Mattie ever gets married
    as you know I'm chronically ill
    and the doctor insists I have a live-in carer to help treat my condition

    ETHAN FROME: jesus
    when did u get so cold

    85 comments
  3. HYPSIPYLE: welcome to Lemnos
    you will find there are no men here
    as we have murdered all our husbands

    JASON: niiiice

    HYPSIPYLE: you see, we neglected our worship of Aphrodite and as punish – what?

    JASON: aw yeah I like a challenge

    HYPSIPYLE: you misunderstand
    this place is cursed

    126 comments
  4. ZEUS: sweet hells does my head ache
    ATHENA [bursts out of his skull in full armor]: surprise, fucko

    58 comments
  5. imagine that pent up with two women who love me whom I love and who coldly hate each other oh well how could this tragic situation have been avoided mm like trains on a senseless track we speed toward our fates speeding helplessly and speedily see I feel like forcing your wife and your mistress to live with you at the same time if it's not directly a cause you could at least this was…

    83 comments
  6. hello there Miss Davis, is it allow me to tell you – please do not speak to me like that, sir I can see your wedding ring oh, this? no, no, no you've got the wrong idea I mean, yes, I'm married but I've already written four books about how the Church should let me leave my wife I see one of them is called THE ROD OF PUNISHMENT so you know this ring doesn't…

    34 comments
  7. HROTHGAR: ah, Beowulf welcome to Heorot and the land of my people we have heard of your deeds from across the sea BEOWULF: yeah it's no big deal I pretty much swam here UNFERTH: Is't so? I heard you were bested by Breca in a swimming contest not three w– BEOWULF: yeah actually I once held my breath for like a million hours it was crazy my friends weren't even worried because I fight guys…

    62 comments
  8. hey babe im gonna be out late tonight dont wait up you'll have to take care of the kids but it should be pretty easy theyre dead so you dont really have to do anything lol MEDEA: Jason babe i love you SO much JASON: ahh i love you too MEDEA: and i'll do everything i can to make sure you complete the tasks my father set before you JASON: ahh…

    51 comments
  9. KARL MARX: [running up the stairs] more like crapitalism
    HENRIETTA MARX: what was that?
    KARL MARX: nothing

    51 comments
  10. MAZARIN: sire, Paris is revolting
    LOUIS XIV: lol youre damn right it is
    MAZARIN: sire please
    you make that joke every time there is a revolution
    and it is a very good one
    but there is an actual mob at the gates
    LOUIS XIV: so stay away from the gates then
    this place has like sixty rooms
    go find another one

    36 comments
  11. Originally. PEOPLE OF ATHENS: at last our city is complete CECROPS: my people now we must decide which of the gods we will offer our worship to who among the deities of Olympus will we select to watch over us shall it be Poseidon? Lord of the sea, creator of the horse, to protect our warships and supply us with battle stallions? or shall it be Athena, goddess of wisdom and justice?…

    42 comments
  12. ANGEL: i just wanted you to know
    i've
    i've had sex before
    TESS [striking a match on his bare chest and lighting her cigarette]: yeah me too, guy
    I've even been to Suffolk
    ANGEL: what does Suffolk have to do with anything
    TESS: oh i thought we were just listing obvious shit to each other

    79 comments
  13. Previously in the Worst Boyfriends in Literary History Series: Lord Alfred Douglas. hey are you home rn yes can i come over who is this rimbaud who the poet? i sent you like a bunch of my poems and you said i should come to Paris anyhow im in Paris and i dont really know anyone here so idk where to sleep or live or eat or anything look don't worry about it just…

    35 comments
  14. Previously: Dirtbag Theseus. you think i dont you think i cant see that my dick looks like a little orange thumb, like a Cheeto fuck you is why ive got a fruit hat im a BABY goddammit i already have gout whats your excuse hand me that flagon im sorry im sorry i didnt mean that I WILL GET THIS LEOPARD DRUNK no let's shut up no shut…

    44 comments
  15. REVEREND MOTHER: come here, Paul
    there remains one final test for you
    the test of the gom jabbar, the test of pain
    this will truly reveal whether you are the Kwisatz Haderach
    place your hand in my box
    PAUL: hahaha
    hell yeah
    u got it babe
    REVEREND MOTHER: oh
    oh i see what you --
    oh HONESTLY
    grow up

    37 comments