Dirtbags

Imagine a teen, riding a skateboard, smoking a cigarette, forever.

  1. Previously: Dirtbag Aphrodite. AEGEUS: ah my son tales of your bravery have reached me long before you arrived you have slain Procrustes -- Sinis -- Sciron -- the Pallantides -- and cleared this land of robbers and evildoers tell me, how did you -- THESEUS: its pretty simple i just kill everyone i meet til i get where i'm going AEGEUS: ah THESEUS: its simpler that way i dont have to keep track  …

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  2. PROSPERO: what is this place
    CALIBAN: it is the island of --
    PROSPERO: an island eh
    very well
    i will buy it
    CALIBAN: you can’t d --
    PROSPERO: i’ll buy you too
    while im at it
    how much for you plus the whole island
    CALIBAN: i --
    PROSPERO: shut up
    that was a rhetorical question

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  3. Previously: Dirtbag Apollo. oh my god did you guys do all this for me?? you didnt have to do that oh my god you guys this is such a surprise, that all of this is for me oh my godddd you guyyyyys im not even ready i swear to god im not even ready i look so terrible im not ready!!! because i look so terrible whaaaat shut…

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  4. [Enter RICHARD, skateboarding] RICHARD III: more like the house of Planfagenet HENRY VII: I what? that doesn't make sense we're all Plantagenets it's not Plantagenets versus somebody else everyone's a Plantagenets RICHARD III: more like fagcastrian HENRY VII: also that's really unnecessary and offensive RICHARD III: house of york? more like house of dork HENRY VII: that's your own house that's you're not even being consistent with your homophobic slurs RICHARD III: whatever this party…

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  5. INT. THE MURRY'S home. NIGHT. MRS WHATSIT: hello is anybody home MRS. MURRY: excuse me? MRS WHATSIT: i'm coming in for sandwiches and to take some of your sheets also your children, i will be taking them MRS. MURRY: you're what? MRS WHATSIT: oh by the way your husband is in space and your science is terrible just terrible you have barely any science and your husband is trapped in space i'll just take these…

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  6. Previously: Dirtbag Zeus. APOLLO: so do you come here to this river a lot DAPHNE: i'm so sorry have we met? APOLLO: we havent met but you know me DAPHNE: sorry? APOLLO: ever seen THE SUN DAPHNE: what? APOLLO: youre welcome hey let me touch your skin for a while DAPHNE: i have to no [DAPHNE turns into a tree to escape him] APOLLO: so do you turn into trees a lot…

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  7. DIRTBAG SHAKESPEARE imagines modern remakes of Shakespearean plays with a teenage dirtbag cast. The rest is pretty self-explanatory. Previously: Dirtbag Othello. FALSTAFF: ok so you be you and ill be the king HAL: ok FALSTAFF: you know whose great?? Falstaff (this is me being the king right now ok) HAL: right FALSTAFF: so its the king telling you this not me HAL: right FALSTAFF: falstaff is so great you should never fire that guy ever…

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  8. "You have a traitor there, Aslan," said the Witch. "Myah have a myaitor myah, Myaslan," Aslan said in a high-pitched, mocking tone, as if to himself. It was kind of shitty of him, and no one quite knew what to say. "I -- Have you forgotten the Deep Magic?" asked the Witch, collecting herself. "Yeah," said Aslan. "Sorry." "I must tell you?" said the Witch, her voice going suddenly shriller. "Tell you what is written…

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  9. Have you ever felt slightly uncomfortable at a party where you didn't know very many of the other guests? Have you ever told someone "Oh, I'd hate to impose," then stayed for dinner but felt like you'd done something wrong? Put your fears and self-doubts to rest: you are a better and a kinder visitor than Hans Christian Andersen ever was, and Charles Dickens would almost certainly never have immortalized you as a greasy ginger…

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  10. ZEUS: what is this i dont like this HERA: it's our son that's our son, i've just given birth to him i've named him Hephaestus-- [Zeus flings the newborn off Olympus] ZEUS: what son i dont see any son   ZEUS: wanna hook up IO: aren't you married? ZEUS: my wifes cool we have an open thing IO: wow i guess ok then [the sky darkens] ZEUS: oh shit oh fuck IO: what is it…

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  11. TAFT what is it, Mr. President COME INTO MY OFFICE I WANT TO BENCH PRESS SOMETHING why don't you bench press your presidential desk I ALREADY BENCH PRESSED IT sir, I don't want to be bench pressed AM I THE PRESIDENT OR AREN'T I IF I WANT TO BENCH PRESS THE MEN IN MY CABINET IT'S FOR THE GOOD OF THE NATION AND YOU SHOULD BE GRATEFUL FOR THE OPPORTUNITY TO SERVE YOUR COUNTRY NOW…

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  12. babe babe how much do you love me oh god are you in prison again? no what? no lol that was like one time in france it doesn't count as prison if you're in france anyhow what are you doing like right now I'm trying to finish The Importance of Being Earnest okay well stop doing that and sue my dad what? you should sue my dad why would I do that? he's been telling…

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  13. Take a moment to join The Toast in remembering your dirtbag years. In seventh grade, Meghan Hood taught me how to use Bath & Body Works body spray as a flamethrower -- you stand in front of a lit candle and then spray Vanilla Mist at it, creating a beautiful, hovering flame sphere. After we set her cabinet on fire, her mom made us take it outside. When I was fourteen, I split…

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  14. Previously in this series: Dirtbag Arthur Miller.

    Can I buy a match, please?
    [The Little Match Girl uses every match in the book at once to light her cigarette]
    i dont know
    can you

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  15. Previously in this series: Dirtbag John Milton.  BIFF enters, skateboarding. BIFF: more like willy blowman BIFF exits, skateboarding. LINDA: oh Biff when are you going to make something out of your life BIFF: i went on a job interview today LINDA: that's wonderful how did it go? BIFF: stole a pen LINDA: oh Biff BIFF: s'a good pen [BIFF leans over and carefully draws a mustache over LINDA'S mouth] BIFF: see…

    28 comments