Dirtbags

Imagine a teen, riding a skateboard, smoking a cigarette, forever.

  1. Did I request thee, Maker, from my Clay To mould me Man, did I sollicite thee From darkness to promote me, or here place In this delicious Garden? - Adam, Paradise Lost, John Milton "I didn't ask to be born, you know." - Teens   Satan: where are we Beelzebub: I think we're in hell Satan: good good that's where i wanted to be anyhow so it's good that God threw us here because i…

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  2. DIRTBAG SHAKESPEARE imagines modern remakes of Shakespearean plays with a teenage dirtbag cast. The rest is pretty self-explanatory. Previously: Dirtbag Macbeth. RODERIGO: Iago IAGO [lights cigarette over trash can fire]: thats what my mom calls me RODERIGO: you said you would help me marry Desdemona IAGO: you got it pal RODERIGO: but I heard not five minutes ago she married Othello IAGO: oh shit i knew i forgot to tell you something…

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  3. Have you always longed for the ability to wrap your torso in evidence of Ronbledore, but lacked both the courage of your convictions and the necessary textiles? Long no more, friends. Here is help at last. Bust out your purchasin' fingers and hie thee hence to Teespring and order yourself a passel of Ronbledore's Army T-shirts. "Will half of the profits go to the original artists Kendra Wells and Matt Lubchansky?"…

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  4. This edition of the Dirtbag Series is brought to you by Jason. [SALLY KIMBALL rushes into ENCYCLOPEDIA'S office in the garage. ENCYCLOPEDIA is leaning back in a chair, feet on his father's squad car, eyes closed, smoking a cigarette] SALLY: Oh, Encyclopedia, I think I've solved the mystery of the missing umpire! The umpire was a fraud -- no real umpire ever dusts off the plates with his back to the c-- [ENCYCLOPEDIA…

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  5. In a stunning, sublime act of teen dirtbaggery, after an argument with his parents (which we can only pray was about fine ham) this weekend, a San Jose teenager ran away from home by hopping the fence and stowing away in the wheel well of a plane bound for Hawaii. The FBI is calling it a "miracle" and the airline says a teen who hopped the fence at a San Jose airport is…

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  6. Previously: Dirtbag Anne of Green Gables.  MEG: Jo what are you doing in Father's office all the time? [JO kicks her steel-toed boots onto the desk] JO: writin smut wanna read it MEG: ...yes   MEG: all right we're off to the play with Laurie JO: don't wait up AMY: can I come too? JO: don't be ridiculous AMY [whispering]: I'm going to burn what you love and marry your boyfriend JO: what AMY:…

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  7. MATTHEW: Well now, I don't mean to seem uncharitable-like, but you see as how Marilla and me was expecting a boy. ANNE: yeah well i expected to have an alabaster brow and raven tresses down to my tits by the time i turned fifteen but we don't always get what we want, do we old man   [MARILLA's neighbor RACHEL LYNDE comes to call] RACHEL: Well, Marilla I can't say I think she looks like…

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  8. DIRTBAG SHAKESPEARE imagines modern remakes of Shakespearean plays with a teenage dirtbag cast. The rest is pretty self-explanatory. Most recently: Dirtbag Romeo & Juliet. THREE WITCHES appear on the heath.  WITCH #1: have you ever killed a pig MACBETH: what WITCH #2: do you want to be king MACBETH: king of what WITCH #3: king of jerking off jesus "king of what"   MACBETH: do you think I would make a good king LADY…

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  9. DIRTBAG SHAKESPEARE imagines modern remakes of Shakespearean plays with a teenage dirtbag cast. The rest is pretty self-explanatory. Previously: Dirtbag Hamlet.

    (TYBALT is using BENVOLIO’S own hands to smack him in the face)
    TYBALT: stop hitting yourself
    stop hitting yourself
    (BENVOLIO manages to retract all but his middle fingers)
    TYBALT: hey
    fuck you man
    that’s not cool

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  10. Previously: Dirtbag Hamlet.  MILO: fuck everything everything fucking sucks "FOR MILO, WHO HAS PLENTY OF TIME" MILO: the fuck is this "ONE GENUINE TURNPIKE TOLLBOOTH" "EASILY ASSEMBLED AT HOME, AND FOR USE BY THOSE WHO HAVE NEVER TRAVELED IN LANDS BEYOND" MILO: more like a fuckin toolbooth TOCK: I am a guard against wasted time! We must leave the Doldrums at once! MILO: oh im a guard too you must go fuck yourself…

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  11. If this is not art, then nothing is art. If this is not art, then nothing is art. If this is not art, then nothing is art. RealCigReviews is a YouTube channel with over 1000 subscribers that has not posted a new video in more than a year. The channel's proprietor has reportedly quit. What remains, however, is a back catalog of more than 40 reviews by a group of teenage boys of different…

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  12. DIRTBAG SHAKESPEARE imagines modern remakes of Shakespearean plays with a teenage dirtbag cast. The rest is pretty self-explanatory.

    A GHOST appears.
    GHOST: have you ever listened to Sublime
    HAMLET: [makes j/o motion]

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