If X Were Your Y

Things would be different then.

  1. You’d really enjoy your visits to the Asian Actor Club.

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  2. If Rami Malek were your boyfriend, you would often be asked, “And where are you guys from?” with that pointed, exacting look, and the two of you would make up a new country and a fake history on the spot, every single time. Last time it was "Cloaca," a tiny island off the coast of Croatia -- so beautiful, but entirely surrounded by sharks.

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  3. If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, you’d be mostly vegan, although Tilda says labels are for the uncreative. You’d marvel at her silo full of legumes, and the only meat you’d eat would be the brown trout that the twins catch on the banks of the firth. You’d feel guilty about that time at your parents’ house when Tilda ate—and loved—pork rinds, since you didn’t realize that she didn’t know they were meat. But, as Tilda says,…

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  4. Previously by Jasmine Guillory: If Lupita Nyong'o Were Your Girlfriend If Nigella Lawson were your girlfriend, all of your books will be food-stained. If Nigella Lawson were your girlfriend, whenever you said you were too full to eat any more, she would playfully poke your belly and say “But darling! You look like you’re losing weight! You need to keep your strength up!” She’d wink, you’ll sigh, and eat another lemon curd-laden…

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  5. When I learned about the goat who refused to leave a Tim Hortons in Martensville, Saskatchewan, I cried real tears. At the time, I was sitting in a café. It wasn’t a Tim Hortons café, unfortunately, because I decided to go to grad school in America. It’s a decision I question every day of my life. Because: aren’t we all the goat who just can’t seem to quit Tim Hortons?

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  6. Previously in this series: If Stephen Colbert Were Your Dad If you were Wonder Woman and Chris Pine were your boyfriend, you'd take a special, spiteful pleasure in apprehending any criminal who dressed in plaid. Because all day, every day, you'd be SURROUNDED by plaid. On laundry day, you'd look into the hamper and yell, "Jesus H. Christ, it looks like the Brawny Man vomited into this thing!" and Chris Pine would chuckle from…

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  7. Previously in this series: If Julian of Norwich Were Your Professor

    If Stephen Colbert were your dad, you would have a lot of strange memories from your childhood. For instance, you’d remember taking fishing trips when you didn’t pack any fishing rods or tackle. Instead, you stood side by side at the water’s edge, as Stephen Colbert proclaimed to the fish that becoming someone’s dinner was just their job, and what were they,

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  8. If Alexander Siddig were your boyfriend, you'd know how to play cricket. You'd own matching sweaters, which you'd wear when his and your families got together for a game. If Alexander Siddig were your boyfriend, you'd make breakfast together in a well-coordinated dance: he'd set out the eggs and butter up the pan while you put in the toast and set out the plates. Then you'd switch places -- you would grab a pan to…

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  9. Previously in this series. If Chris Pratt were your boyfriend, he’d have perfect facial hair that makes him look perpetually, endearingly scruffy, but would never be prickly when you make out. If Chris Pratt were your boyfriend, he’d wear his t-shirts to peak softness, then immediately hand them off to you to wear for lounging or to bed. If Chris Pratt were your boyfriend, that cliché about him loving you best with no makeup…

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  10. Previously in this series: If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend.

    If Forest Whitaker were your boyfriend he would order your latte using the dumb Starbucks lingo even though you know he would much rather have gone to the tiny independent coffee shop ten minutes out of the way rather than embarrassing you by arguing with the barista over the word “medium.”

    If Forest Whitaker were your boyfriend he would let

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  11. If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend, he would be turned on by the fact that you win whenever you arm-wrestle. He’d look for excuses to arm-wrestle. If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend, you would wake up really early on purpose, just so you would have more time to laze around in bed together, reading. Sometimes he’d nudge you awake before dawn so the two of you could watch the sunrise on the roof with a blanket…

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  12. If Julian of Norwich were your professor, you would ask her what would be on the final, and she would reply, “All manner of things shall be on the exam.” If Julian of Norwich were your professor, you could drop by with a question anytime, and she would be in her office. There would be rumours that she actually lived in her office. Even on the rare occasions that her door was closed, you would…

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  13. Previously in this series: If Lupito Nyong'o Were Your Girlfriend If Blake Lively were your girlfriend, you would wake up one day to find that your bedroom was now decorated in a way that you had only ever dreamed of in your most secret heart. The duvet would be soft, the paint color soothing, and your favorite childhood stuffed animal would sit on the nightstand. You would walk into the kitchen, where Blake Lively…

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  14. Jasmine's previous imaginary girlfriend was Michelle Obama.

    If Lupita Nyong’o were your girlfriend, full skirts would make you look like a ballerina. And like a ballerina, every time you entered a room, you would twirl and your skirts would flutter like butterflies are dancing around you.

    If Lupita Nyong’o were your girlfriend, your skin would be luminous at all times, like someone rubbed pearls on it every night (someone

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  15. You’d never have to call to see where he was, because his manifestation on our earthly plane was confined to your studio apartment. The one where he died.

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