If X Were Your Y

Things would be different then.

  1. Previously in this series: If Tom Hardy Were Your Boyfriend If The Boy from The Giving Tree were your boyfriend, he'd be outdoorsy, but not in a show-offy way. He'd take you for long walks in the woods behind his parents' house, and if you forgot to bring a granola bar to snack on, he'd just pick you an apple. He'd thank the apple tree, and you'd be impressed by how much he respects…

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  2. If Tom Hardy were your boyfriend, he would send you a selfie every day. Each one would have a dog somewhere in the background. If Tom Hardy were your boyfriend, he would gift you a rope bracelet early on in the relationship. When you ask what it is, he would respond intensely, "This could save your life." If Tom Hardy were your boyfriend, you would live in a lovely but sparsely decorated London flat. He…

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  3. Previously in this series: If Will Graham Were Your Boyfriend If Ms. Pac-Man were your girlfriend, her kisses would taste like Sprite. Each kiss would remind you of summer nights in the 1980s, which is weird because you don't really remember those, you were too young. But every time your lips touch hers, you would distinctly recall driving past your high school while Journey played on the radio, the wind blowing through your hair, and why…

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  4. Before Will Graham became your boyfriend, he would just be another guy in the “Learning to Let the Ex Go” group therapy session you signed up for. The therapist would strongly recommend that you not start seeing each other, but Will would say he’s had enough of other people saying what’s good for him.

    On your first date, you’d notice him visibly relax when you choose a seafood restaurant and do all the

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  5. Previously in this series: If Prince Harry Were Your Boyfriend

    If Gwyneth Paltrow were your girlfriend, doors would open for you a little quicker, you'd always have enough room on public transport, and black cats would jump out of your way. Dogs would howl when they saw you, but you never really liked dogs that much anyway.

    If Gwyneth Paltrow were your girlfriend, you'd ask her, giggly and a little

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  6. Previously in this series: If Harrison Ford Were Your Boyfriend. We recently featured The Fug Girls on writing as a duo.

    If Prince Harry were your boyfriend, he would, in secret, change his listing in your phone all the time. You’d have added him in simply as “H,” but one day you’d get a text from someone called “Henry IX.” And then a whole chain of them: “H. Balls,” “Jack the

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  7. Previously in this series: If Gillian Anderson Were Your Girlfriend.

    If Harrison Ford were your boyfriend, he would let you and only you quote lines from his movies* in casual conversation. You would both get an especially big kick out of using the tunnel exchange from The Fugitive. He would say “I didn’t accidentally bleach the color clothes,” and you would yell “I DON’T CARE!” just like Tommy Lee Jones did,

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  8. Previously in this series: If Taraji P. Henson Were Your Girlfriend. If Gillian Anderson were your girlfriend, you wouldn't refer to her as your girlfriend. You would call her your partner, your lover, your better half - something more all-encompassing and worthy and deserving of her. You might not even call her any name at all other than yours, and it would fill you with an overwhelming sense of happiness and all things good. If…

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  9. If Taraji P. Henson were your girlfriend, your wardrobe would magically become whatever slick, powerful, and comfortable means for you. If Taraji P. Henson were your girlfriend, she’d put a pillow on the floor and tell you to sit so she could scratch your scalp while you watched Coming to America together for the thousandth time. She’d confess she really didn’t like it when Derek Luke and Tyrese were “play-fighting” over her characters Cookie and…

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  10. Previously in this series: If Serena Williams Were Your Girlfriend If Kal Penn were your boyfriend, you wouldn't fight often. Not because you don't have arguments -- you definitely have arguments -- but they tend to be worked out more quietly. Your debates, however, tend to descend into nonsense when you get into the "agree to disagree" phase. "No, you're wrong and dumb and your opinion is wrong and dumb!" "Fine! I don't care!…

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  11. Previously in this series: If Vin Diesel Were Your Boyfriend If Serena Williams were your girlfriend, you would automatically gain +20 skill points in any sport. If Serena Williams were your girlfriend, you wouldn’t have to unload the dishwasher or wash dirty pots before cooking dinner, because she already did. Much like in tennis, she is always anticipating what’s coming and wants to make sure you aren’t stressed doing the things you love. If…

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  12. Previously in this series: If Prince were your boyfriend. If Sue Perkins were your girlfriend, your mother would send you copies of Tatler (one for each of you) every time you were featured in a society column. "It's embarrassing," you'd say to her over breakfast. She'd just smile, and you'd both silently agree to keep the old copies in the bathroom, as a compromise. If Sue Perkins were your girlfriend, you'd insist on accompanying her…

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  13. Previously in this series: If Vin Diesel Were Your Boyfriend If Prince were your boyfriend he’d let you have your friends over for pancake breakfast, just because he knew they saw that Chappelle’s Show sketch and would get a kick out of it. You’d know that his real specialty is egg sandwiches on buttery bagels, and he saves them for you. If Prince were your boyfriend he’d encourage you to buy as many jumpsuits…

    23 comments
  14. Previously in this series: If Archie Panjabi Were Your Girlfriend

    If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, he wouldn’t mind that you spend every Sunday alone with your friends. “You’re not just friends, you’re a family,” he’d say while you get ready for brunch.

    If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, he would rewatch Gilmore Girls with you without argument. He would be staunchly Team Dean (much to your annoyance) until Dean cheats

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  15. If Shakespeare’s Richard III were your coworker, he would use smiley emojis in all his emails, and although you—being Minnesotan and well-versed in the nuances of passive-aggressive behavior—wouldn’t buy it, your boss and all the VPs would find it charming. If Shakespeare’s Richard III were your coworker, he’d have long conversations with himself in his cubicle, which would be right next to yours -- alarming conversations you would think you were meant to overhear -- but because your…

    34 comments