Please Consider My Application

  1. 1. I know the Kitty Genovese story wasn't exactly as egregious as it's become in our popular imagination, but Lord love me, I'm a follower, and there are few things I love more than the diminished moral culpability that comes with being part of a big crowd.

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  2. 1. Whenever I get sick, I also feel like the world around me should wither and decay out of respect for my discomfort.

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  3. Remember that scene in season five of Buffy where Giles asks Ben if he can move and then tells him that "Buffy's a hero...not like us," emphasis on the us, and Ben says "Us?" and then Giles stares him dead in the eye and deliberately smothers him with his bare hand, because he's going to do something he knows that Buffy should never have to do but that at the same time absolutely has to be done?…

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  4. Previously: Please consider my application to become a feudal vassal. 1. I am convinced that I have spent most of my life waiting to subsume my will to someone more beautiful and powerful than myself. I am crammed with ambition on the behalf of others. 2. I would happily sidle over to up-and-comers at court during a masque, deliver a short, cutting remark about their social-climbing, then whirl smilingly away into the crowd.

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  5. Previously: Please accept my application to become a Valkyrie. 1. Like Jane Eyre, my "organ of veneration" is enormous and I would do an excellent job swearing fealty to someone God had rightly set above me in the natural order. This would free me both from the burden of emotional responsibility and decision-making while also unleashing my natural propensity for viciousness towards anyone who has offended the people I love. 2. I am already…

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  6. Previously: Please consider my application to become a Druidess. 1. I'm reasonably busty and I work out semi-regularly, so I could probably carry a bronze shield or something. 2. I think I would do a very good job of judging men even after they are dead, no training necessary. 3. I have naturally red hair, and bronze and leather (which I am given to understand are the primary components of the Valkyrie uniform) really…

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  7. Previously: Why I Think I Would Make An Excellent Vestal Virgin And You Should Consider Me For The Position. 1. My understanding of "druids" as a profession and as a religion is pleasantly vague, which is exactly how I like my job descriptions and spiritual practices. 2. I'm into the moon in a big way, which I feel like would be helpful. 3. I have plenty of experience resenting Christianity as an institution. 4.

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  8. Previously: Why I Think I Would Make An Excellent Medieval Peasant And You Should Consider Me For The Position. I would have made an excellent Vestal Virgin for the following reasons, and I urge you strongly to consider my application: 1. I am willing to sacrifice sexual contact with men, for the good of the people 2. Drape-y, flowing dresses suit me enormously 3. I would be amenable to being carried about the…

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  9. I would have made an excellent medieval peasant for the following reasons, and I urge you strongly to consider my application: 1. I hate washing my hands 2. I honestly believe that attractive people are more valuable than I am and would willingly serve them; it is legitimately not difficult to convince me that well-dressed people with shiny hair require my assistance and I owe it to them to be useful 3. I get scared when I…

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