Texts From

Texts from literary characters.

  1. good news
    i have written you another poem

    is it –
    don't worry
    it's VERY long and EXTREMELY unfinished

    oh good
    it's about what if a woman saw another woman take her coat off
    and it's 9000 lines

    wow
    it's so great that i can still write when i'm high and it doesn't affect my work

    67 comments
  2. hey we're starting soon are you coming in? do you remember we said we'd meet at nine? The human race is a monotonous affair are you on your way? Most people spend the greatest part of their time working in order to live so you're not coming in and what little freedom remains so fills them with fear that they seek out any and every means to be rid of it…

    45 comments
  3. you know what god loves above all things
    what
    clean clothes
    how's that
    you know how like if a beggar came into your hall while you were eating dinner
    and if his leggings have holes in them or whatever
    grime
    you have him beaten and thrown out into the street
    I would?

    26 comments
  4. hi my names Carmilla I fell down outside your house
    can i live here for a while
    nothing gay will happen i promise

    what
    oh my god you are so beautiful
    oh, thank you
    who are you?
    thank you so much for letting me stay here
    i'll just tell my mom to go ahead without me

    where is she going
    haha

    36 comments
  5. do you know whats great about God
    what
    there's three of him so they can all beat you up at once
    what?
    like if you asked God to beat you
    all of
    all three persons of him could whale on you pretty efficiently

    95 comments
  6. ive completed my latest work
    oh, have you?
    where will you present it?
    i'm going to hang it in my kitchen
    so everyone who comes to the house for a meal can see it while they eat

    how innovative

    47 comments
  7. Howard
    Howard are you in there?
    WHO IS IT
    it's me
    how long have you been locked in here?
    LONGER THAN TIME
    are you planning on coming out anytime soon?
    for food or for anything?
    I WENT OUTSIDE ONCE
    IT WAS TERRIBLE
    EVERYONE WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET BUT THEY WEREN'T DESCENDED FROM THE MAYFLOWER

    yes that
    that happens sometimes

    106 comments
  8. As a young man I could not believe that people could give their lives over to those conditions. As an old man, I still can't believe it. what do you mean like going to work? What do they do it for? Sex? what no that's not why people go to work and you know it TV? i mean that's not the primary reason An automobile on monthly payments? Or children? yes obviously that is why…

    63 comments
  9. i painted you something you did? oh good I'm glad to hear that you have been keeping busy do you want to see it oh I what's the painting of? just a regular bird oh okay I'd like to see that what do you think pretty regular huh…

    154 comments
  10. stella
    stella its your sister blanche
    your sister from before, with mom and dad

    Blanche!
    my God
    it’s so good to hear from you
    it’s been ages
    yeah probably

    28 comments
  11. Father is gone, Fanny
    he died this morning
    not on the good couch?
    the what?
    the good couch
    you know how i feel about relations dying on the good couch
    that's for guests only

    no no, my love
    he died in bed
    whose bed?
    his bed
    oh
    that's all right then

    135 comments
  12. The good folks at Buzzfeed asked me to write a bunch of break-up texts between various literary figures (as this is part of my house of wheel) when I was in the office yesterday, and I have obliged. It was very fun, even though my hand hurt after writing roughly four sentences in pen, because I have lost the skill of writing things out by hand entirely. ZELDA MY LIGHT MY LOVE MY OWN…

    61 comments
  13. Here is friend of the Toast and literary person Rachel Fershleiser holding an early copy of Texts From Jane Eyre, the book that I have written with these two hands. Ignore the John Grisham poster in the background; John Grisham is a distraction. John Grisham, like all men, is the past. I and my kind are the future. We will ascend on the backs of male humorists and scryers and wordsmiths and culture critics…

    93 comments
  14. Would you like to read a book with your best friends William Carlos Williams and Emily Dickinson and Lord Byron and William Blake and T.S. Eliot? How fortunate for you that this dream will soon become a reality. Thanks to the combined and industrious efforts of Kate McKean (agent of self) and Allison Adler (editor of self) at Holt, the day is not too far off that you will be…

    75 comments
  15. just got here
    saving you a table

    hey
    you on your way?

    hey
    are you coming?
    You forget what you want to remember
    and you remember what you want to forget

    look
    it's fine if you can't make it
    it's just people are starting to head home
    but if you're on your way
    Nobody wants to be here and nobody wants to leave
    oh

    16 comments