How to Talk to Babies

  1. BABY JENNY HOLZER: [spits up]
    MAN: Oh, baby Jenny Holzer, what a mess
    BABY JENNY HOLZER: SPIT ALL OVER SOMEONE WITH A MOUTHFUL OF MILK IF YOU WANT TO FIND OUT SOMETHING ABOUT THEIR PERSONALITY FAST

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  2. MAN: here comes the airplane!
    here it comes! here comes the airplane!
    BABY DERRIDA: to pretend, you actually do the thing
    you have therefore only pretended to pretend

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  3. BABY FOUCAULT [knocks over blocks]: anarchy
    BABY FOUCAULT [kicks blocks into corner]: post-anarchy

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  4. BABY: [knocks plate off of table] ME: that's right in postmodernism we reject the notion of 'totality'   ME: what book do you want to read do you want to read 'Go, Dog, Go' or 'Pat The Bunny' BABY: buhh ME: are you saying Bunny? BABY: buhh ME: that's right resist the metanarrative here is no such thing as outside-of-the-text the dog can go nowhere…

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  5. How soon is too soon to begin introducing basic theory and Lacanian self-definition to an infant? A primer. ME: what do we need to understand before we can understand post-structuralism BABY: fnehhh ME: very good we need to understand structural linguistics now what does "fnehhh" mediate between BABY: fnehhh ME: that's right it mediates between abstract ideas and reality BABY: fnehhh ME: you've made your point, don't belabor it…

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  6. Previously: How to talk to babies about Marxist theory. BABY: read dog book ME: are you ready to find the antecedent BABY: [holds out book] dog book ME: okay are you encoding or decoding right now ground yourself in context before looking for meaning BABY: [waves book] ME: thats right find your spacetime coordinate   ME: [jingles keys] BABY: [gurgles happily] ME: okay baby what are you laughing at [jingles keys] are you laughing…

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  7. Previously: How to talk to babies about gender theory. BABY: want book ME: that is the rankest consumerism BABY: book ME: oh you want to be a subject? you want to just be a subject that consumes blindly? BABY: book ME: sure fine you realize you're resisting literally nothing right now BABY: want green book BABY: [sleeps] ME: HAVE YOU QUESTIONED ANYTHING ABOUT THE DRIVE TO ACCUMULATE CAPITAL TODAY BABY: [sleeps] ME: no of…

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  8. How soon is too soon to begin introducing basic gender theory and Lacanian self-definition to an infant? A primer.

    BABY: dont want u want daddy ME: GENDER IS A SPECTRUM OF BEHAVIORS NOT A FIXED IDENTITY STOP DENYING MY AGENCY BABY: want juice ME: I'M GONNA READ JUDITH BUTLER TO YOU AGAIN BABY: [nurses] ME: you realize youre literally consuming me BABY: [nurses] ME: wow its like de Beauvoir never even wrote The Second Sex…

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