Spencer Hastings, wherever you are, at the mercy of the show’s writers and your own incredibly high standards: this cheesecake is for you.

At one time or another I had most of the crushes expected of a straight, teen girl growing up in the 1990s. My rather ridiculous Leonardo DiCaprio phase resulted in my owning a VHS copy of William Shakespeare’s Romeo + Juliet, tearing pictures out of teen glossies, and regularly updating a fan website that has thankfully disappeared into the internet ether. When not outing my ownership of said site on publicly read blogs of note,…

1. The barista, bar or wait staff you swap smiles and greetings with who reduces you to a bumbling, blushing mess on a near-daily basis. She knows.

2. The one you make out with intensely at drunken parties about twice a year but never follow up fast enough to make something more of it.

3. The one you see in the gym maybe two out of five visits, running endlessly on the treadmill…