femslash friday Archive

Where Is The Sexually Cruel Sequel To The Devil Wears Prada For Which The People Clamor

Secretary. 50 Shades of Gray. I can’t think of any other movies right now that fall along those lines, but two seems like sufficient cause and also you know what I’m talking about. The kind of movie where a white man with a good job is sexually rude to a stammering woman in a cardigan, and says things like “Sexually, I’m more important than you, and my father invented helicopters,” and the lady says things like, “buh-buh-buh-buh-whaaa?” and “Okay” and “Should I take off my cardigan?” And, you know, Lord bless ’em, these movies, probably. But if we’re going to have movies where people strike one another about for sensual purposes, I think it’s only fair that at least one of them is a sequel to The Devil Wears Prada. 

Okay, argument the first: Look at this, my friends.


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Femslash Friday: Gerda/The Robber Girl: Love and Knives Under the Northern Lights

Previous Femslash Friday posts can be found here.

This Femslash Friday is brought to you by Hans Christian Andersen. Yes, that’s right, Hans Christian Andersen, of such straight friendzone classics as “The Little Mermaid” and ladies-be-frail stories like “The Princess and the Pea.” Allow me to bring your attention to his work “The Snow Queen: A Tale in Seven Stories” — or, as I like to think of it, “A Tale in Six Stories and One Massive, Dripping Slice of Unintentional and Delightful Lesbian Subtext So Blatant that it is Honestly Barely Even Subtext.”

(Sidenote: the text never says how old everyone is; they’re old enough to traipse around multiple countries alone, ride horses, carry guns, etc., so let’s say that they are old enough for a homoerotic subtext reading. And if they aren’t, let’s age them up in our minds the way Game of Thrones did for all the kids so that everything wouldn’t be super-gross.)

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Femslash Friday: On the Promise of Canonical Kimber/Stormer

Previous Femslash Friday installments can be found here.

One night not long ago I was reading online, which I often do, and I ended up reading an interview in The Advocate about an brand-new comic-book series, which I don’t often do. After reading it, I grinned at the doll who sits near my computer. She went on thinking, as she always does, placidly balancing a glittering plastic guitar in her lap.

Because yes, I have a Stormer doll—Stormer being one of the three original members of The Misfits, the cartoon all-girl band that repeatedly terrorized and sometimes outplayed their cartoon all-girl rivals, Jem and the Holograms. Not the same Stormer doll I had when I was eight; rather, this doll was a gift from one of my closest college friends, who may or may not have known how much time I spent senior year procrastinating by writing for-my-eyes-only Jem fanfic. Of which Stormer was the heroine. Who foiled a kidnapping, took over Misfits Music after Eric Raymond got arrested for said kidnapping, produced a hit single for the Stingers, and basically spent every new ridiculous plot twist coming out of her shell and getting rewarded for it.

You think I identified with her? Of course I identified with her.

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Femslash Friday: Carmen Sandiego and Miss Scarlet

Previously on Femslash Friday, we’ve cut abusive tools loose and given fictional women the keys to direct their own lives. Today I want to talk about a board game character and a pretend lady from a game show for kids that prominently featured a capella music who stole stuff like “the history of medicine” and the leaning tower of Pisa, because it’s important to me that Miss Scarlet from Clue and Carmen Sandiego from Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego (oh, here’s a link to the damn song, go listen to it; I know you won’t be able to pay attention until you do) steal some diamonds and run off together into the sunset. A sexy board game piece and the evil female Indiana Jones? Yeah, I’m on board. It’s like two Catwomans (Catwomen?) getting married: awesome.

miss scarletThis is definitely the purest “Because I run this website” entry in the Femslash series. They’re not literary or even cinematic characters. Carmen Sandiego barely talks; Miss Scarlet is from a children’s board game. I can’t even claim the 1985 movie as part of this because I played the game all the time when I was a kid before I saw it so I never picture White Miss Scarlet when I think of her, just Regular Asian Miss Scarlet. I just feel like putting the two of them together, even though they don’t exist in the same game continuity, and I still own 1/3rd of this website so there’s nothing you can do about it; sorry.

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Femslash Friday: Bring It On

There are times I feel very sure that if I were to let a copy of Bring It On rest against a copy of But I’m A Cheerleader, some sort of lesbian osmosis will take place and I will be able to watch a version of this movie where Missy and Torrance make out in the last scene. That is how close Bring It On‘s subtext comes to text.

(An aside: did you know that there are four direct-to-DVD Bring It On sequels? Who would have predicted that Bring It On would become the Land Before Time of teen movie franchises, or that “racially fraught cheerleading squads face off” would become such a popular cinematic trope in the mid-2000s? End aside.)

Bring It On bridges the strange, ambiguous generation gap between Clueless and Mean Girls without ever being quite as popular or as enduring as either. It’s miles gayer than Clueless and only the slightest bit less gay than Mean Girls; Lizzy Caplan out-gays Eliza Dushku by the slimmest of margins.

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Femslash Friday: Bend It Like Beckham

Greetings, loved ones. My first foray into Femslash Friday was so much fun that I had to come back for more. Today, we’ll be covering a film more central to my babyqueer awakening than any other piece of media (besides the music video for Beyoncé’s “Naughty Girl”). That’s right, friends: we’re talking about Bend It Like Beckham.

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Femslash Friday: Choose Your Own Adventure

Here is a Femslash Friday poll for you; please tell me what girl-on-girl pairing we have not yet included in this series that you are yearning to see. I do not yet know how to make quizzes in Wordpress. Maria has promised she will teach me but I didn’t feel like waiting until I learned how, so you’ll just have to sit still and not complain about it. Just, I guess, tell me in the comments which ones you like the most.

Right out: characters who should by rights be lesbians but have no in-universe potential love interests (Jo in Little Women, Monica in Love & Basketball, Hermione in Harry Potter [THAT’S RIGHT]), literary characters whose canonical relationships have been downgraded to “just good friends” in the movie adaptation (Shug and Celie in The Color Purple, Ruth and Idgie in Fried Green Tomatoes), any character from The L Word. And I won’t do crossovers, no matter how perfect; that’s too confusing. And I don’t want to watch Rizzoli & Isles, so I guess don’t suggest that either. Okay, that’s all the rules I have.

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Femslash Friday: Kim/Lindsay on Freaks and Geeks and “Lesbian Jawline”

Almost every gay(ish) woman has a Kim Kelly in her past. You met in adolescence; probably in middle or high school, possibly in college but certainly no later. Your lives were deeply and intimately intertwined — although you may or may not have had an overtly romantic relationship, everyone who knew the two of you knew that for good or for ill that you were one another’s top priorities. Your Kim almost certainly smoked cigarettes and you almost certainly did not. You knew everything about her and you hated her boyfriend and you arranged your class schedules together and you drew on one another’s wrists in ballpoint pen and sometimes you couldn’t stand the sight of her. Your Kim was mouthy and wore dirty jackets and you were the only person she’d be gentle for.

My Kim Kelly was named Shannon. She had long dirty blonde hair that she slicked back into a ponytail and wore the exact same outfit every day (men’s cargo pants, a white V-neck T-shirt, and one of those little metal ball choker necklaces that I don’t know what they’re called). She moved to town in eighth grade from Las Vegas. At the end of the year she moved right back. I still have a note from her explaining that I am her “second best friend after Alice,” a distinction I treasured at the time (I never thought to compete with Alice; Alice wore her hair in dreadlocks and played the guitar; I had only recently quit the school band and wore long-sleeved sweaters from the Limited Too), and listing all of her favorite Eminem songs. She was my sun and stars.

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