food trolling Archive

The Eight Steps For Making The Perfect Cup Of Tea

1. For a really superior cup of tea, you can slice open a teabag (I find that scissors work best) and pour the contents directly into your mug. This is called “loose leaf” tea, and it’s a pretty neat trick when you want to show off in front of guests.

2. Always pour the milk in first. If you’re drinking Earl Grey, the ratio should be at least two parts milk to one part tea.

3. Be sure to follow this rule of thumb: one dip of the tea bag is more than enough. You don’t want to overwhelm the flavor of the water with an overlong steep.

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Food Trolling With Ren: The Case Against Kale

“Wait until I make you one of my delicious kale smoothies,” someone wrote on the Google doc our group of volunteers had filled out so we could take turns delivering food to an acquaintance in the hospital. Of course a person having a major health crisis lying in a sickbed is the perfect candidate for a kale smoothie: too weak to swat the proffered drink away, perhaps dehydrated and desperate enough to try to take a sip, the way lost hikers in the desert try to drink their own urine. And someone newly and unexpectedly admitted into a hospital is far too confused and anxious to say, “Oh honey, there is no such thing as a delicious kale smoothie.”

At this point, we all need less kale in our lives. Many of us are invited to more than our fair share of queer potlucks in which more than one person brings kale salad. These people have to be stopped– or abide by the following rule: if you bring salad to the potluck, salad is the only thing you are allowed to eat at the potluck.

I’m not one of these folks who will suggest that you forego kale and eat a nice side of beef instead. I’m a decaf-green-tea-drinking, raw-food-eating, vegan-baking stereotype who is sick of kale being in every damn thing, the way oat bran was in every damn thing when I was younger. Eventually oat bran petered out, but kale is still going strong.

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Please Stop Buying Boneless Skinless Chicken Breasts

We need to have a serious conversation about this. I only want to help you. I also get a lot of emails from Feel the Burn-ers asking me how to cook meat, because I eat a ton of meat, and seem like someone who knows how to cook it (you are correct).

First up, if you are a vegan or a vegetarian, you already do not buy boneless skinless chicken breasts, so this does not apply to you and I salute your commitment to living in accordance with your ethical beliefs.

Second, you may want to chime in here about how people should buy chicken THIGHS instead, which is probably correct, but we’re trying to encourage small changes, so let’s table that conversation.

Guys, boneless skinless chicken breasts are the worst, and I’m going to devote a lot of time and energy to explaining why. We will be covering the following concepts:

I. They Cost More Than the Kind Which Come With Skin and Bones

II. Chicken Skin Is Delicious

III. Cooking Them With the Skin On Helps With Moisture and Flavor

IV. The Skin Creates a Little Pocket You Can Shove Cheese and Butter and Herbs and Pine Nuts Into

V. You Can Throw Out the Skin After You Cook the Breasts if You Want To

VI. Wait Until Tomorrow and I Will Explain Exactly What To Do With Your Real Chicken Breasts

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Food Trolling With Mallory: Chipotle Is Monstrous

There is a disturbing and pernicious mass delusion floating about that the Chipotle restaurant chain is a good place to get food — that customers should go out of their way to get more of Chipotle’s food from Chipotle — that maximizing the amount of Chipotle-borne roughage inside of a foil packet is a desirable way to behave. I cannot possibly let this stand.

I will not get into issues of authenticity and who does or does not have access to real burritos; I have no quarrel with Americanized fast food. Chipotle was once described to me as “the Subway of Mexican food,” which is a perfectly acceptable thing to be. I am not above eating at Subway (I wouldn’t get one of their sandwiches with meat on it, if that’s what you mean, but that just seems like common sense) if I am on a road trip.

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Food Trolling With Mallory, Commonwealth Edition: Biscuits

I hesitated, at first, to even write this. The Nations of the Commonwealth have, it must be admitted, suffered enough when it comes to culinary reputations. There is no need for a pile-on. And they have suffered, at times, unjustly: New Zealand has wonderful butter and lamb. I hold myself second to none in my devotion to sticky toffee pudding. Poutine is a remarkable dish and the Canadians are to be commended for it.

The names of your candies are absurd and glutinous, but I do not believe you ought to be shamed for it. Keep your Toffee Zig-Zags, your Hobbed Choco-Goblins, your Frumlescent Bandersnickets. They are all you have, and I will not ridicule you overmuch for them.

And yet. And yet. Residents of the Commonwealth, as well as numerous American visitors, all suffer from the same collective delusion that digestive biscuits are a good thing to eat.

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Food Trolling With Mallory: Nuts To You

Previously: apples are terrible.

Something that seems intrinsic to the human condition is the need to periodically create slideshows of healthy snacks. I do not know why this is the case, but the same eight fistfuls of food regularly make the Internet rounds at least a few times a year. You and I could all name them in our sleep: the two dice’ worth of cheese cubes, some thick-ass yogurt, the palm-sized serving of dried apricots, the banana with peanut butter, a hard-boiled egg and the thought of some pickles, the half-cup of edamame, a carefully measured amount air-popped popcorn, carrots and hummus, something involving a rolled-up tube of deli turkey, and a fistful–always a fistful–of motherfucking almonds.

All nuts are terrible, almost indistinguishably so, but almonds are the worst by virtue of how often they are forced upon us.* You never know when someone’s going to say “Hungry?” and proffer a hefty Trader Joe’s bag full of them. Your doctor will recommend them to you. Every magazine in the world, from The Economist to Women’s Wear Daily, will suggest you eat a bowl of them before going to holiday parties to keep you from overeating at least twice an issue until mid-January, when it will start suggesting you eat a bowl of them every afternoon. The world will never stop recommending almonds to you. And yet you must resist them.

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Food Trolling With Mallory: All Apples Are Garbage

Fall is a very busy time of year when it comes to getting upset about flavors. There is no shortage of opinions on pumpkins, or whether turkey is any good, or how to properly sauce a cranberry. Meanwhile, apples have been getting a free pass from food writers for years. “Oh, an apple,” people exclaim vaguely when presented with one. “That’s good, somehow.”

Apples are monstrous. They are monstrous when they come pre-sliced and pre-doused with citric acid in a small plastic bag; they are monstrous when shaved into a sandwich or snuck into a salad; they are monstrous by themselves and they are monstrous with cheese; they are monstrous freshly plucked from the damned tree and they are monstrous hauled out of a cellar in mid-January. Put peanut butter on it, if you like; now you have a messy apple that smells like peanut butter.

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