WHERE IT ALL BEGAN: "If Channing Tatum were your boyfriend, he would get you the worst birthday gifts, but he would look at you with such love that you would never care. Then he would dance for you."

If Mary-Louise Parker were your girlfriend, you’d laze in bed together on Sunday mornings, with just thin, jersey-cotton sheets as the only barrier between your bodies and the air, and she would read Wallace Stevens aloud to you. You’d debate the pros and cons of austerity in poetry until she said, “Honey, we’re saying the same thing,” and then kissed you through a smile.

If Mary-Louise Parker were your girlfriend, she would normally keep her

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There is nothing in the world a movie hero's girlfriend hates more than heroism. At every turn, she looks for a way to stymie her doughty lover's acts of courage. If she had her way, the movie would end 40 minutes in and they'd just play Apples to Apples until they both died of old age. DIALOGUE FROM EVERY MOVIE EVER LADY: don't go to the big Thing HERO MAN: I have to though LADY:…