hey ladies Archive

Hey Ladies: Autumnal Shower

Previously in this horrible series: Happily Ever After

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To: Nicole; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Morgan L.; Jen
From: Ali
Date: October 3, 2014
Subject: Showerrrrrrrrr

Hey Ladies,

Can you believe it’s October already??! I’m basically addicted to Pumpkin Spice Lattes, it’s redic. I know what you’re thinking: this is our annual group Halloween costume call to arms email, LOL. Wrong! I’m like 99% sure I’ll end up doing a couples costume with Tyler. He’s perfect. He’s in advertising so we’ll probably co-host a Mad Men series finale party together. Anyway. We’ve been on two dates. How long should I wait before bringing up couples costumes?? I feel like it’s this unspoken subtext between all our interactions now, and he’s probably waiting for me to bring it up anyway, right? Anyway, that’s neither here nor there BECAUSE…

STACY IS GETTING MARRIED AND WE SHOULD PLAN HER SHOWER!!!!!!! Technically, her mom and sister are planning her bridal shower, SNOOZE. I’m sure they’re not even aware of the latest technology in the mason jar pinterest scene. But I think we should all plan her ~personal shower~ which is muuuuch more fun and all the rage in the 2014 DIY rustic chic wedding culture. LAUREN CONRAD HAD ONE!!!!

Basically, it’s just like a bridal shower, but we get her fun gifts that are just for her since wedding planning is sooo stressful! Lingerie, spa days, hair extensions (??), stuff like that! Also, I really think Stacy needs an upper lip wax, but what’s a nice, sensitive way to bring that up??! I’ll google yahoo answers. I’ll be putting together a google doc of what everyone should get for her! YAY I LOVE PLANNING!

~LOGISTICS~

Theme: Autumnal Romance! Something in the key of GOURDS

Food: Morgan, you’ll be in charge of cute apps! I read that George and Amal had reallllly cute apps, and I think we should aim for that too!

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Hey Ladies: Happily Ever After

Author’s Note: We wanted to thank EVERYONE who came out to Hey Ladies: Live! at Housing Works Books back in June and everyone who watched it on Livestream! It was an amazing success and we can’t wait to (hopefully) do another one!

The following brand new Hey Ladies email thread was read out loud at the live event. Past installments can be found here.

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To: Ali, Katie, Morgan, Nicole, Ash, Caitlin

From: Jen

Subject: This is a CRISIS open this email wherever you are and I don’t care what you’re doing

Hey ladies. I struggled a lot while deciding whether I should type this out and send it off.

But like, I don’t know. I feel like I am coming to the end of my rope. Marriage is hard. Like really fucking hard. Like sometimes I literally….want to MURDER brad. And then I feel bad about it. And he’s like why are you crying and I’m like because sometimes I just want to kill you. Like he makes me so mad.

I JUST don’t think it’s hard to like, do a dish or like, turn off the lights, or surprise me a few times a week with a nice dinner or a gift!!!!!! Or a vacation!! Or a new car or like, a new blender or ANYTHING. Like you can’t get lazy on me now, Brad, we have til death do us part to make this work and, as Fergie says, I just don’t feel like he’s meeting me halfway.

I feel like I can move out like I can get divorced. I can do this and start over and like meet someone else, someone who will do dishes and not annoy me.I know you guys aren’t married, seriously none of you are even close, and I’m sure to YOU Brad always seemed like he was the perfect man but like, IDK what to do. I really don’t.

Ladies what do I do. I am so like, low. And Lexapro isn’t even helping. I’m pretty sure my shrink has me on placebos. xo jen

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To: Ali, Katie, Jen, Nicole, Ash, Caitlin

From: Morgan

Subject: RE: This is a CRISIS open this email wherever you are and I don’t care what you’re doing

OMG Jen, I am so glad you reached out to us!!!! We are here for you bebe!! I’ve been telling everyone on gchat for months that I think your relationship is fucked. What kind of husband has a business trip on New Year’s? A woman always knows.

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Hey Ladies: The May Edition

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Past installments can be found here.

Special note: Hey (Ladies)! If you’re in New York, we’ll be doing Hey Ladies: Live! at Housing Works on June 25th. Come! We’ll be giving away prizes and sharing reader stories! It will also be livestreamed as well!

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To: Nicole; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Morgan L.; Jen
From: Ali
Date: May 8, 2014
Subject: Summertime, summertime sadness

Hey Ladies!!!!

Happy May!!! (Sorry about that whole Cinco de Drinko fiasco, I swear I thought I knew the doorman LOL)

Ok, this may be the most important email I send all year, so PLEASE RESPOND RIGHT AWAY. We need to figure out our summer weekend plans ASAP!!!! We’re closing in on our mid-twenties and I think this is gonna be the summer we all meet our potential first husbands, so location is EVERYTHING!!! Plus Sex and the City. Let’s take a vote!

#KILLIN’ITSUMMER2K14

Amagansett:

Pros: Talkhouse

Cons: I think Mike’s parents have a place there, and Judy and I aren’t on the best terms, and she knows why

Montauk:

Pros: YES PLEASE. Sloppy Tuna/Milkbar/Surf Lodge, chill bros

Cons: Gwyneth has a place here, and even though she’s a cougar, I feel like we attract the same kinds of dudes, and I don’t want to compete sexually with her

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Hey Ladies: St. Patrick’s Day Edition

Most recently in this series of unspeakable torments: Love is in the Air. The ladies waived their fee as a Saint Patrick’s Day gift to The Toast. We are very grateful…we think?

To: Nicole; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Ali; Morgan L.; Jen
From: Katie
Date: March 4, 2014
Subject: Going Hard On Saint Patrick’s Day Is The New Black!

Hey ladies,

I’ve taken myself to theme out the next holiday (St. Patty’s!) for our crew. I just realized with the exception of Jen, all of us are single and nowhere near getting married (but also, you never know!), so why not use this time in our lives to go big and never go home.

Mingling in March = our St. Patty’s. It’ll be like college again except the guys we end up sleeping with may actually be able to afford to take us out for brunch in the morning.

I want to #tbt this entire holiday so that means partying like it’s 2002!

Places we can go:

- Hoboken (NJ but cute meathead guys)

- Murray Hill (no explanation needed)

- UES (younger dudes just out of college, hot)

Acceptable outfits:

- Anything green

- Cute makeup

- HAIR

- Shamrock stickers?

- Wristlets (coach???)

I think it will be so fun. Ugh, you girls keep me so young LOL.

ALSO did we want to talk about doing a weekend at Jen’s husband’s parent’s beach house in Boca??? Jen is that still an option??? Let me know if you want me to text your in-laws. What are their names again?

xx,

katie <3

“I know who I am. And after all these years, there’s a victory in that.”  – True Detective

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Hey Ladies: Love Is in the Air

Most recently in this series of unspeakable torments: New Year’s Fallout.

To: Katie; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Ali; Morgan L.; Jen
From: Nicole
Date: January 24, 2014
Subject: LOVE IS IN THE AIR LADIES

Hey, Ladies!

Okay so Valentine’s day is right around the corner and as we all know, usually I am TGFHOWMGACHH (totally game for hanging out with my girls and cursing Hallmark holidays) but I am afraid I may be on FEMALE HIATUS for the first time IN MY LIFE this Valentine’s day and that is because….I have met….an amazing man.

Okay remember when I told you all about the guy from Tinder who was like an “analyst” (boring) but also like he knew three of my camp friends so we had mutuals and both voted for Obama according to our similar interests? Not him.

THIS GUY is, okay. Apologies to anyone who I may have already told this to (Katie, Charlotte, Morgan, Ash (??) (Ash did I tell you??), but his name is TYLER and he’s literally amazing and I didn’t even meet him on Tinder!

I met him on OkCupid and he’s 6’2 (minimal height I allow), a Scorpio (most sexual sign) and loves dogs, his family, his friends and his job (he’s a teacher! I’m dead).

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Hey Ladies: New Year’s Eve Fallout

Most recently in this series of unspeakable torments: Book Club.

To: Katie; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Nicole S; Morgan L.; Jen; Gracie (work)
From: Ali
Date: December 7, 2013
Subject: 2014 BITCHES!!!!!

Ladies!!!!

SO as everyone knows New Years Eve is my signature event!!! In years past, I would have been sending out save-the-dates in the early spring. But I actually have some news!

Mike & I broke up. It was 10000% mutual. I was doing a combo The Art of War/Why Men Love Bitches/October Cosmo’s “How To Keep A Man Interested Using These 40 BJ Tips,” but none of it worked. I’m just dealing with a lot of wrecking balls coming at me right now.

But like I said when I got mono while playing Mimi in Rent at Stagedoor Manor, the show must go on!!!!!

I’d like to do something supes low-key this year. Sometimes before we can YOLO we need to CHOLO (Concealing Heart Outrage (through) Laid-Back Outings). Think we need to stay local. Ja feel?

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Hey Ladies: Book Club

Most recently in this seriesHalloween Planning.

To: Ali; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Nicole S; Morgan L.; Jen; Gracie (work)
From: Katie
Date: November 4, 2013
Subject: LADIES it’s November

Hey ladies,

Halloween success? I think so. I thought Orange is the New Black was a great choice at the end. I’m sorry for being bitchy about it that night and the 30 days prior to Halloween but the holidays always stress me out :) You know how it is!

Oh also as a side note: I ended up taking the new position!! The one that pays more money (ahhh). So maybs we can pull together a brunch or drinks? Will someone send that email (there’s something really desp about sending your own email for this kind of thing).

So this may sound super weird but I noticed that book clubs are trending, and I think we should start one.

We can like pick a book, read it, and then like hang out and drink wine and talk about it??

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Hey, Ladies: Halloween Planning

Most recently in this series: Ladies’ Brunch. This installment has been brought to you by a generous donation from Toast reader Saskia Deerson. Thanks, Sas! You are not a monster like these people.

To: Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Nicole S; Morgan L.; Jen; Gracie
From: Katie
Date: October 4, 2013
Subject: Halloween is comingggggg…..

Hey Ladies,

Can you believe it’s fall? I’m literally dying. Also NY weather is so weird – can we wear coats yet? This is the stuff that plagues me, but I have a really cute army green jacket I’m dying to wear! Zara!

So brunch was so so so so so super fun. Did I tell you guys that waiter ended up texting me? I obv did not answer but I think I screenshot the text over when it happened (did I???? let me know, I can send it again!)

The thing is….like……….. I feel like I could definitely easily date him (lol jk but I prob could)  but 2013 is my year of positive growth and change and that means no relationships. Like, if I wanted a random text I’d reactivate my okCupid.

ANYWAY. Halloween. It’s coming up and I really think it’s important to be ready for it this year. I know we barely got our shit together last year and I would really like to avoid the same thing this time around. Honestly we’re nearing 30 and this will eventually no longer be cute so we need to YOLO while it lasts.

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