J.E. Reich's previous work for The Toast can be found here. The concepts of lightness and weight are very important to you. You refuse to buy a scale. Every time you have sex in a bowler hat -- which is often -- you are struck with nostalgia concerning your Bohemian grandfather, who was also a mayor before the war. (Which war? THE War, of course.) You frequently compare your wife to a baby found…

Previously in this series: Songs from a Bruce Springsteen Album in Which No One Exorcises Their Personal Demons or Takes the New Jersey Turnpike "I Couldn't Be Your Friend Because No One Does That After a Breakup" "My Therapist Says That Seeing You 10-12 Times A Day Is Not The Best Idea And Yours Agrees" "I Want Your Lungs To Function Quite Normally (They Are Also Man Lungs)" "Walking With a Corporeal Human Being…

i. On the last wedding anniversary my parents ever celebrated, my mother and father slept in a room that once housed King Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn. It was everything my mother had both expected and could not imagine: a bedchamber sequestered in a dark-stoned turret, up a spiral staircase and behind a thick wooden door. The room featured a four-poster bed with a gold-fringed canopy, a lion-clawed tub, and a window for every cardinal…