For the Creative-Anxious Parent™ the world is a veritable junkyard of nightmare futures just begging to be collected-- what if my child is bullied ferociously? What if my child makes some disgusting sex party urban legend indisputably real? What if my child keeps large, seemingly-immortal snakes as pets? In developing one’s irrational, ultimately pointless parental anxiety, it’s important to integrate less obvious, more esoteric fears into one’s 2:30 am worrying practice. Here, some…

The horror: your body, if you are a cis girl, will betray you, and you will fall victim to its ceaseless, lunar-cycled blood reign for what may as well be forever (no pre-adolescent takes comfort in menopause.) our body and its functions have become central. Inescapable. You will be initiated into a maxi-pad cult in which you are alternately celebrated and shamed for your suddenly uncontrollable body. Messages about this body will be contradictory: Your…