1. Enrolled in the Head Start Program

2. Wore invisible spandex to discourage opponents from riding in their slipstream

3. Funded mountaintop removal mining 

4. Neglected to hand signal before turning

5. Failed to declare winnings on tax returns

6. Competed via hologram from a SoulCycle studio

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Bienvenue, Monsieur. Please allow me to introduce myself. I am the energy drink sommelier here at Le Coeur Palpitant. My goal is to help you power through tonight’s meal with grace and élan. Le Coeur Palpitant boasts one of the finest cellars of non-perishable energy drinks from all over the world, including some exciting new concoctions from up-and-coming factories throughout the Rust Belt. We offer individual cans or six-packs. In exceptional cases, and for a…