Previously in this series: How to tell if you're in a Hemingway novel.

There's a woman in the room that you trust about as far as you'd trust a snake. But like all snakes, she can be charmed. Someone's been shot with a gun. You're not sure who did it, but you're pretty sure that whoever it was had a gun with them. You're just drunk enough to tell the truth, and she's…

“Rowling’s authorship was revealed by The Sunday Times after it investigated how a first-time author “with a background in the army and the civilian security industry” could write such an assured debut novel.” You’d think that a city as grey and hopeless as London wouldn’t be able to produce the high-watt sunlight that really makes you regret your high-proof mistakes. Maybe that’s why you can’t throw a crumpled-up newspaper without hitting a drunk in The…