What Friends Say: That they’re sorry, but something came up and they can’t come over after all.

A play is a movie that can spit on you.

A play is a screaming book.

A play lowers night cholesterol and decreases your risk of standing.

You were discussing transcendental idealism over oysters, and one thing led to another.

Without any forethought, you deliver a lengthy monologue that connects the Riemann hypothesis, the poetry of Wordsworth, and your love life.

You encounter a troupe of thespian funambulists. They are glib, and not to be trusted.

Laura Sook Duncombe's previous Literary Ladies Cage Fight columns for The Butter can be found here. Greetings, mortals. I am Artemis, goddess of the hunt and hostess of the LLCF, along with my sister, Aphrodite. Each match, we bring you two women of literature and make them compete in five categories. The woman with the most points at the end of five rounds wins. When we celebrate women, everyone’s a winner! Hey gal-pals, it’s…

Previously in this series.  You are being talked about. It is very disagreeable. You are not being talked about. It is even more disagreeable. You have sinned, and sinned greatly in the eyes of the world, out of a most desperate love. No matter how dreadful the occasion, you manage to keep your cuffs un-buttered and your cravat un-spoilt. To be bankrupt of morals is forgivable, but to be bankrupt of style is not.

Previously in this series. Thou hast a plucky band of friends who alleviate the great drama of thy life with their witticisms. Alas, they will later be horribly killed thanks to their prior association with thee. Thou not only tellest sad stories of the death of kings, thou liv’st it. Thy mentor is a drunkard or dead. Thy wife is a metaphor for colonialism. Thou hast put new meaning into the term “kissing cousins.”…

The sound of a door shutting is heard from below.

They do not move.

She waits, at the end of patience.

Half-dressed, comes to the door.

Gropes distractedly about, seizes HELMER'S domino, throws it round her, while she says in quick, hoarse, spasmodic whispers.

Laughing.

She holds her face up to his.

He stifles her.