"I am the noblest lady of this court, second only to the Queen. Yet I am the saddest of mortals in France."

The Toast's previous coverage of Benedict Cumberbatch, including Nicole's highly erotic fan fiction, can be found here.

"Tear In Your Hand," Tori Amos

"Send In the Clowns," Judy Collins

"A Man / Me / Then Jim," Rilo Kiley

"You Ain't Woman Enough To Take My Man," Loretta Lynn

No.

A Successful Poet Is Selling Poetry He has really nailed it this time, he is fairly sure. No matter what the workshop junkies said about his old “limpdick collection.” Forget all those auto-rejections from Poetry magazine. (Nearby, Pike Place salesman smack halibuts down on ice.) He’s got a whole new approach this time, and these babies are jaunty as hell. His talent’s leaping all over the page, even Karen wouldn’t disagree. (A few feet away a…

Hans Christian Andersen, it cannot be denied, was one sorry motherfucker. The first story he ever wrote was about a candle that did not feel appreciated, which is fairly representative of his output over the course of a lifetime. Charles Dickens almost certainly based the character of Uriah Heep on him after an overlong and profoundly uncomfortable stint as his houseguest ("Andersen extended a brief visit to Dickens' home into five weeks, to the…