ZENOBIA: I would like to discuss the possibility of hiring another housekeeper if Mattie ever gets married
as you know I'm chronically ill
and the doctor insists I have a live-in carer to help treat my condition
I'm off to a monastery for a few days because MY HEART IS A DESERT and I need to go sit by the sea and be quiet near some trees, but I want you to all talk about the most dirtbag summers of your lives.
ZEUS: look, I have produced a daughter from mine own head
this is Athena HERA: like fuck you did ZEUS: What? No, she truly just app – HERA: two can play this head-baby game, pal ZEUS: I didn't do this to offend you, it just – HERA: too late, I'm crowning
HROTHGAR: ah, Beowulf welcome to Heorot and the land of my people we have heard of your deeds from across the sea BEOWULF: yeah it's no big deal I pretty much swam here UNFERTH: Is't so? I heard you were bested by Breca in a swimming contest not three w– BEOWULF: yeah actually I once held my breath for like a million hours it was crazy my friends weren't even worried because I fight guys…
hey babe im gonna be out late tonight dont wait up you'll have to take care of the kids but it should be pretty easy theyre dead so you dont really have to do anything lol MEDEA: Jason babe i love you SO much JASON: ahh i love you too MEDEA: and i'll do everything i can to make sure you complete the tasks my father set before you JASON: ahh…
MAZARIN: sire, Paris is revolting LOUIS XIV: lol youre damn right it is MAZARIN: sire please
you make that joke every time there is a revolution
and it is a very good one
but there is an actual mob at the gates LOUIS XIV: so stay away from the gates then
this place has like sixty rooms
go find another one
ANGEL: i just wanted you to know
i've
i've had sex before TESS [striking a match on his bare chest and lighting her cigarette]: yeah me too, guy
I've even been to Suffolk ANGEL: what does Suffolk have to do with anything TESS: oh i thought we were just listing obvious shit to each other
Previously in the Worst Boyfriends in Literary History Series: Lord Alfred Douglas. hey are you home rn yes can i come over who is this rimbaud who the poet? i sent you like a bunch of my poems and you said i should come to Paris anyhow im in Paris and i dont really know anyone here so idk where to sleep or live or eat or anything look don't worry about it just…
REVEREND MOTHER: come here, Paul
there remains one final test for you
the test of the gom jabbar, the test of pain
this will truly reveal whether you are the Kwisatz Haderach
place your hand in my box PAUL: hahaha
hell yeah
u got it babe REVEREND MOTHER: oh
oh i see what you --
oh HONESTLY
grow up
babe babe how much do you love me oh god are you in prison again? no what? no lol that was like one time in france it doesn't count as prison if you're in france anyhow what are you doing like right now I'm trying to finish The Importance of Being Earnest okay well stop doing that and sue my dad what? you should sue my dad why would I do that? he's been telling…
