Posts tagged “the bible”

  1. In the third year of the reign of Jehoiakim king of Judah, Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon came to Jerusalem and besieged it. Everywhere around him he saw jealousy and mayhem, because no men had all their peace of mind to carry them. And the Lord delivered Jehoiakim king of Judah into his hand, along with some of the articles from the temple of God. These he carried off to the temple of his god in…

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  2. Previously: The Bad Vibes Bible. Genesis 2:15-17 "The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. And the Lord God commanded the man, “You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for it is unchill to eat the fruit thereof." Genesis 7:1-3 "The…

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  3. Previously in this series: Some Guy Named Tim Edits The Bible To Replace All Instances Of “Time” With His Own Name. Genesis 4:11 "Now you are under bad vibes and driven from the ground, which opened its mouth to receive your brother’s blood from your hand." Genesis 8:21 "The Lord said: “Never again will I send bad vibes because of humans, even though every inclination of the human heart is evil from…

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  4. Previously: Some Guy Named Tim Edits The Book Of Corinthians To Replace All Instances Of “Love” With “Tim”. "To everything there is a season, and a Tim for every purpose under the heavens. A Tim to be born, and a Tim to die; a Tim to plant, and a Tim to pluck up what is planted; a Tim to kill, and a Tim to heal; a Tim to break down, and a Tim to…

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  5. Previously: Bible Verses Where The Word “Philistines” Has Been Replaced With “Haters.” Genesis 2:17 "But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, can u not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die." Genesis 17:15 "And God said unto Abraham, As for Sarai thy wife, can u not call her name Sarai, but Sarah shall her name be." Genesis 22:12 "Can u not lay…

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  6. If they did tattoos in ancient Palestine, Jesus would get one, for sure, along with all the disciples. They could get matching stick-and-pokes.

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  7. Previously: Bible Verses Where The Word “Praying” Has Been Replaced With “Truckin.'” Genesis 26:14 "He had so many flocks and herds and servants that the haters envied him." Genesis 26:15 "So all the wells that his father’s servants had dug in the time of his father Abraham, the haters stopped up, filling them with earth." Judges 3:31 "After Ehud came Shamgar son of Anath, who struck down six hundred haters with an oxgoad. He too saved Israel."…

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  8. Psalms 4:1 Hear me when I call, O God of my righteousness: you have enlarged me when I was in distress; have mercy on me, and hear my truckin'. Proverbs 15:29 The LORD is far from the wicked: but he hears the truckin' of the righteous. Luke 6:12 And it came to pass in those days, that he went out into a mountain, truckin', and continued all night truckin'. Ephesians 6:18 With this in mind,…

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  9. The account of Jacob wrestling with an angel in Genesis 32 is one of the most commonly painted scenes in art history. Oddly enough, it turns out that the majority of the Western Masters were unable to distinguish "anguished struggling in the dark with an unseen foe" from "happily slow-dancing." German miniature, c. 1350 This is just hugging. No wrestling is taking place here at all. 0 points. Unknown Russian painter, Jacob Wrestling With…

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  10. INT. MOVIE STUDIO. DAY. An EAGER YOUNG MAN is pitching his idea to A BUNCH OF SUITS. YOUNG MAN [Nervously]: So I know biblical epics with fantastical elements are back in a big way right now, and I was thinking of a Moses adaptation-- SUIT #1: Like the Ten Commandments. Love it. Young Heston. Bringing the rifles down from the mountain, yelling at the Statue of Liberty. "I am the Lord your God, you shall…

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  11. Ephesians 6:10-17: "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that…

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  12. The words of the Preacher, the son of David, king in Jerusalem. Vanity of vanities, saith the Preacher, vanity of vanities; all is vanity. I think a little vanity can be healthy, especially when you work so hard to take care of your appearance. Just don't overdo it! (But I know you won't.) What profit hath a man of all his labour which he taketh under the sun? You've been working really hard, and you deserve how…

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  13. Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them. These are the generations of the heavens and of the earth when they were created, in the day that the Lord God made the earth and the heavens, And every plant of the field before it was in the earth, and every herb of the field before it grew: for the Lord God had not caused it to rain upon the…

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  14. It wasn't his coming back that surprised everyone, since people had been more or less expecting it for the last two-thousand-some-odd years; it was the fact that he was only interested in coming back as a carpenter. He was just there one day, in a way that he hadn't been before, and everyone knew without being told who he was. He looked just like he was supposed to, from the dark hair to the dark skin…

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  15. "All proper human interactions are win-win; that’s why the parties decide to engage in them. It’s not the Henry Fords and Steve Jobs who exploit people. It’s the Al Capones and Bernie Madoffs. Voluntary trade, without force or fraud, is the exchange of value for value, to mutual benefit. In trade, both parties gain. Each particular individual in the community who contributed to a man’s rise to wealth was paid at the time–either materially…

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