Fairies? So last century. Pirates and Princesses? Arrrh-iginal. If you’re looking for something truly unique for your child’s next birthday party, consider our one-of-a-kind shindigs that do typical birthday parties one better, by proving just how not typical your child really is. Here at You Bet We Do! Parties, we specialize in a breed of bash that pushes the envelope all the way to the doorstep of success. So before you drop $3,000 on medieval scroll invitations or a handpicked swarm of live ladybugs, take a look at our best sellers:

$4,000
The Plastic Fork

Calling all future foodies! Sure, every child is a picky eater, but whose spawn among us can really distinguish his yams from his sweet potatoes? For one suspenseful hour, our James Beard-award-winning chefs will supervise and judge a culinary contest for preschoolers where they artfully arrange locally sourced fare to create the small-plates concoctions of their wildest dreams. Ingredients include wild boar, walnuts. Top prize includes gift certificate to Animal, and an afternoon consulting gig for the kid’s menu at Spago.

$6,000
Speed Dating for Toddlers

Don’t think of it as arranged marriage — think of it as arranging your future. Mini tables for two featuring glasses of sparkling grape juice and a non-toxic soy candle will set the mood to cozy your toddler up to a short list of potential socioeconomically appropriate future mates, culled from our handpicked selection of exceptional local candidates. Dates are limited to two minutes to cater to your little one’s short attention span, so when the rooster crows, it’s time to go! Complimentary gift bags feature toddler-specific dating pointers, and a binder of collated anonymous review cards from the day’s “dates.” Please specify preference for candidates drawn from vaccinated or non-vaccinated populations on the order form.

$8,000
Pre-K Anxiety Bash

Shake your sillies out by confronting them head-on. We recreate the timidity and terror of the kindergarten admissions process with proprietary games such as “Application Ad Libs” and “Name that Impressionist Painter” to help identify your child’s strengths and weaknesses in a vibrant, educational setting. During mingling, complimentary interview “experts” pop surprise questions to your little overachiever pulled straight from interviews at prestigious schools, like “Defend Monsanto in fewer than 10 words.” End-of-party review and sample applications from prior-year entrance exams from top schools are yours to take.

$12,000
Odyssey of the Oddball

There’s a fine line between likable eccentric and pretentious fop. We help you pinpoint it with this two-hour course that nurtures the eccentric in your toddler. After a brief interview and mini Rorshach test, we expose your child to a series of customized interests ranging from rice writing to geocaching that will both foster an early appreciation for minutiae and boost mystique. Each child guaranteed to leave with her own unique catchphrase or obscure quote.

$15,000
Let’s Compare Milestones

A little healthy competition never hurt anyone we actually know. Our most popular party theme for the ambitious set, toddlers rotate through a series of richly varied testing stations to demonstrate basic milestones for their age, and not just the obvious ones. At station one, your toddler shows off her ability to complete a circle; at another, she wows the crowd with the correct pronunciation of Haydn. The suspense will not kill as everyone anxiously awaits our final tally to see whose child is crowned The Most Advanced. For an additional $5K, we provide a child actor to impersonate your toddler, guaranteeing a public win.

$20,000
Jailhouse Rock

Who said they’re too young to slum it? For the more irreverent parents out there, we create a just-for-fun thrill ride of a party environment, featuring balls and chains, mini-jailhouse costumes, and our piece de resistance, a photo booth that resembles a police station’s grittiest mug shot backdrop. We snap a photo, encouraging your photogenic toddler to “look hard” for the camera, then develop the shots on site. For our finale, we bring in a top criminal expert to analyze which child slumps, smirks, or slouches the most like a future criminal. Striped gift bag offers “Get out of jail free” card, play handcuffs.

$25,000
Paging Picasso!

Frustrated arteest or hopeless poser? Find out now before years of art school tuition take retirement off the table. We provide your little Picasso and his preschool chums a variety of materials ranging from the conventional paints and watercolors to offbeat, “found” objects such as discarded copper, old tube wiring or toddler-safe “rusty nails.” Then we let them loose to create fresh, original art on site. Later, our team of judges, handpicked from the world’s most obscure art galleries, will gauge a range of attributes such as “detectable smugness,” “ease of commercialization” and “overall fey-ness.” Art supply gift bag is an empty sack that encourages imagination.

$35,000
The Little Method Actor’s Studio

Hey, it was good enough for Brando. Develop your child’s future star potential with this party crash course in method acting, taught by the well-regarded mentees of Strasberg and Stanislavski, who will help your child go from affable extrovert to powerhouse performer in just one 15-minute session, thanks to their relatively short well of fresh memory. We dig deep to recover their smallest slights and most discouraging moments and encourage them to channel it all into meaningful performance art. Gift bag includes black turtleneck and starter pack of candy cigarettes.

$45,000
The Marshmallow Test Party

One room. One marshmallow. One future®. For our gold-standard toddler party, we bring famed psychologist Walter Mischel himself to conduct his infamous series of deferred gratification tests with marshmallows on your eager-to-please youngsters to find out which of your children is destined for overall greatness, or at least significantly higher SAT scores. Mischel is getting on in years, and should he suddenly become unavailable for your party date, we’ll shave off $15k to send a qualified post-doc, mentored by Mischel, in his stead. Marshmallow may be substituted for vegan chicken nugget or single raw dessert bonbon.