A real feminist would be able to pull the sword from yonder stone that has lain there for nigh these thirteen years.
A real feminist would have the strength of ten men in her arms and would lay waste to the fields of the Green Knight.
A real feminist can cross the foot-bridge into the church whispering “Foot-bridge, break not; I am not the true bride,” and the foot-bridge will not break, and a horse’s head will serve her.
A real feminist can awaken the Sleepers in the Hill by singing:
Seven long years I served for thee,
The glassy hill I clamb for thee,
Thy bloody clothes I wrang for thee;
And wilt thou not waken and turn to me?
A real feminist will have a cauldron that can wake the dead, and will carry healing in her hands.
A real feminist will drink three draughts from the drinking-horn of Útgarða-Loki, which has its tail end in the sea, and thus create the tides. She will lift the foot of the cat, which is really Miðgarðsormr, off of the ground, sending the ice giants into a secret panic. She will hold her own as she battles Elli, the specter of old age and death.
A real feminist dares to arrest a Knight of the Temple of Zion on grounds of high treason, within the girth of his own Preceptory, and in the presence of the Grand Master.
A real feminist will catch the cast-off bear-skin her enchanted husband sloughs off every night and cast it in the fire, freeing him from the sorceress’ curse.
A real feminist will not blanch when passed through the fire; she is armed so strong in honesty that the flames pass before her like the idle wind, which she respects not.
A real feminist can track a falcon on a cloudy day and has eyes like the sea before a storm.
A real feminist can never be defeated in honest battle by man of feminist born.
A real feminist will achieve total consciousness right before she dies, so she has that going for her, which is nice.
A real feminist will ask about the bleeding spear as the procession of the Holy Grail appears before her, healing the Fisher King and restoring his blasted lands to their full fecundity.
You will know the real feminist when she comes to you, righteous and having salvation, gentle and riding on a donkey, on a colt, the foal of a donkey.
Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.