Well, the holidays are at last upon us, as “upon us” is a holiday’s favorite place to sprawl, and that means one thing: making sure that you get enough to eat at holiday parties. There’s nothing worse than waking up in January and realizing you’ve practiced careful moderation in the face of temptation, also watching that waistline, and cravings, and jeans that fit: food is everywhere. Here are a few tips to make sure you get your fair share of empty calories between Thanksgivukkah and New Kwanzaa Boxing Day.
Don’t fill up on water. Water is full of empty fluids. If you’re trying to keep yourself from over-imbibing on cocktails, try matching every alcoholic beverage you drink with a glass of nog. Any variety of nog will do, as long as it leaves a film on your glass. Remember: if the glass ain’t fogged, your drink’s not nog, as the elves sing right before they get you.
Avoid the crudités. They’re a pointless vehicle for dip. Think of all the other foods you could be smearing that dip on: french onion smeared over a pimiento olive; pâté on sausage rolls. Celery is for suckers.
Stay away from protein and fiber. You’ve got bigger fish to fry (is there fried fish at this party?). Look at that cheese log. What do you do with logs? Build things with them.
Remember the hidden calories in drinks. Look very carefully for them; they’re hidden. Who knows how many drinks it will take for you to find them.
Before you take a bite of anything, ask yourself: could I sprinkle peanut M&Ms on this?
Skip meals so you’ll be extra hungry. Don’t go crazy. Skip half a meal, maybe. Just make sure you show up irrational and dizzy, so those first two glasses of wine really pack a wallop. If you’re drinking, be sure to wait a few hours before you start eating, otherwise the food in your stomach might soak up some of the alcohol.
Balance your indulgences. If you’ve got a slice of carrot cake in your left hand, put some mini hot dogs wrapped in those little crescent rolls in your right, so you don’t fall over from the weight of it, I guess.
Bring an apple with you wherever you go. This will protect you from witches.
Don’t go back for seconds. Eat off other people’s plates when they get up to go to the bathroom.
Bring your own vegetables. That way you can throw them away wherever you are, and they won’t stink up your trash can.
Cut servings in half before you eat. Fill the empty swath between your portion halves with gravy, then eat both halves. You could put some dip on that gravy, you know. Just because your food’s got gravy on it doesn’t mean you couldn’t use some dip.
Cranberry sauce is a waste of time. It’s just fancy jam. That’s all it is. You could eat that at home.
Portion control. Don’t let your portions boss you around, I guess. Eat them. You’re the boss; they’re just amounts of food.
Remember: pecan pie has the most calories of almost any holiday dessert, so start with that and work your way down.
Tags: eating tips, how to get enough food, the holidays, ultimately aren’t all calories sort of empty
Scrape off all the French fried onion topping from the green bean casserole, eat that, then dump the green beans in the trash.
Use a napkin to soak up the grease from your holiday pizza, then eat the napkin.
Amateur. Use a sausage roll to soak up the great, then dip the sausage roll in cheese and/or chocolate and eat THAT.
Don’t limit your Thanksgiving leftover sandwich to savories. Pie? Cake? See if you can fit them in too. Why not.
Forget bread — instead use two slices of pie to hold sandwich together!
This is a good plan. I’m hoping to do this with pecan pie.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day – don’t make the mistake of skipping it. Cut a thick slice of cake and eat it while binge-watching Law & Order as the rest of your family sleeps in.
This is religion in my family. Birthday cake, pie, any leftover dessert. If you want to get your fair share, better eat a slice before going to bed and another slice at breakfast. By afternoon snack it’s probably gone.
Are you me the morning after family weddings?
Pie and cake count as breakfast food for the entire holiday season. It is known.
Remember, cheese goes on everything. Cheese on mini souffles. Cheese dipped in bowls of cheese dip. Cheese sandwiched between other pieces of cheese. Cheese wrapped and baked in cheesy puff pastry. Use a slice of cheese as a napkin, then eat it. Fill a punch bowl with cheese, serve it out with a ladle. Cups of melted cheese in place of hot cocoa. Cheese, bubbling in great steaming cauldrons, poured on your enemies. Cheese in the walls. Cheese sacrifices to the solstice dawn. Cheese everywhere you can touch, cheese wrapping around you like a blanket, cheese in your eyes and ears and mouth
I’m IN.
I see you have met my four-year-old.
Do you have a seat at your Thanksgiving table for me?
I feel like you know my soul.
If you are building a cheese plate, it helps to cultivate a good relationship with your local cheesemonger. That way, you can sample every type of cheese they carry before selecting 3-5 that will “do nicely.”
Life hack: you can put honey and jam directly on cheese, forgoing the need for bread!
This is useful if you’re trying to limit your consumption of carbohydrates this holiday season. I mean, I don’t know why you’d be doing that (except to leave room for more cheese and fried things), but if you are, that’s the way to go.
My family on holidays is all about filling every moment not eating the official holiday meal with eating cheese. You just got up? Have some cheese. Lunch isn’t ready? Have some cheese. Turkey’s still cooking? I see your left hand is holding a glass of wine – I respect that – but did you know your right hand could be holding cheese?
Shut up and take my money.
I have dreams about cheese. I recently dreamed I was in Europe and on my flight home I was cradling a giant wedge of Dutch Gouda in my arms like a baby. Then I woke up with no Gouda and was legitimately sad about it.
Now I need cheese for lunch.
Cranberry sauce is awesome! Make it with port wine, because it only requires half a cup of port, and then you can drink the rest of the bottle while you wait for it to finish cooking.
I prefer mine the way my mom makes it:
Make base sauce about one month ahead, with brandy. Put in one of those stoneware crock things with the rubber ring and locking lid. Top off with brandy, stir, leave on counter until Thanksgiving. Every week, check to make sure there are still brandy fumes coming off the sauce. If the fumes are weak, top off with additional brandy and stir. Remember, if the kids can’t get a little drunk of the cranberry sauce, it’s been made wrong.
The Toast does not endorse getting your kids a little drunk around the holidays OR cranberry sauce.
To be fair, when she’s done with it it’s practically a drink in it’s own right rather than a jam.
OFFICIAL TOAST STANCE
Enjoy your dry-ass turkey then.
THAT’S WHAT GRAVY IS FOR
just be southern so your turkeys are always fried
no really though, fried turkey is moist and delicious and because of the spice rub a little spicy
That’s what brining is for.
And/or wrapping in bacon.
Also, sliding slices of butter under the skin before roasting.
I remember our mum always made brandy butter strong enough that we would get giggly and sleepy at pudding-time
My grandmother’s cranberry sauce has mini marshmallows and far more white sugar by volume than cranberries, so I’m thinking I’m safe to keep consuming it.
The “inna can” stuff, however, is demon spawn. Cranberry SAUCE. Sauce is not meant to be sliced.
(I have friends who swear that “it’s not really Thanksgiving without a slice from the canned stuff”, and then I just stare at them in appalled silence.)
But, but, but…what about making the joke about “hand carving” it into the can shape? It’s a tradition to make the bad joke!
I love canned cranberry sauce, with pride.
No, this is very wrong. Cranberry sauce in the form of a spread is just cranberries, and cranberries don’t taste good. Cranberry sauce from the can is basically jello without the nauseating texture, and it is delicious.
Seconded! You all can have the lumpy, messy, sweet then suddenly alarmingly tart variation of cranberries in sauce. I will take all the advanced science/mid-century’s idea of the future/Jetson-y delicious and joyous, hilarious, beauty that is super sweet jello in a can.
Cranberry sauce is nonsense.
You can send all that nonsense down the table to me!
“Just make sure you show up irrational and dizzy, so those first two glasses of wine really pack a wallop.”
I see you’re familiar with how I operate at parties…
Wear a tent on New Year’s Eve in the style of Andre Leon Talley. Fabulous!
I don’t want to look like a weirdo. I’ll just go with the muumuu.
“Ultimately aren’t all calories sort of empty” is going to haunt me all day.
YES this is the advice I’ve been waiting for. Fuck moderation, we’ve got the rest of the year for that.
The cream-puffs are a perfect appetizer. Made of whipped cream and puff pastry, these squish down with no issues, and hey, whipped cream is just pre-butter.
I think you just blew my mind.
God damn water, so full of fluids. There should be a law.
When eating pie, leave the extra crust. Eat that crust with something else; dip it in pudding or hot chocolate, or top with whipped cream and eat it with your fingers. Then, dip your fingers in sprinkles and lick your fingers.
True story: a legitimate Dutch breakfast is bread with chocolate sprinkles on it.
The country of Germany sees Holland’s bread with breakfast sprinkles and raises them a slice of bread with a straight-up chocolate bar on top.
And butter! Don’t forget the butter. Bread and butter with chocolate sprinkles.
Sprinkles on everything. Sprinkles on the pie. Sprinkles on the pudding. Sprinkles on the whipped cream topped extra crust. What do you eat before this? Turkey? Put some sprinkles on that.
as long as they are rainbow sprinkles. chocolate sprinkles are satan.
-The traditional post-Thanksgiving sandwich is not complete until it has more layers than a Byzantine archeological dig
-If someone brings out a plate of vegetables to dip in cheese fondue alongside the bread, slap them across the face for the insult and then kiss them for their sweet innocence
-Candy canes are best used as the foundation for candy kebabs. When there is no more candy left, a sharpened candy cane is handy tool to poke anyone who might suggest you’ve had enough to eat.
Ooo, candy kabobs!
Wrong – candy canes are best used as stirring sticks for peppermint schnapp-spiked hot cocoa.
Pro-tip: If your candy kebab is all marshmallow and chocolate, it can ALSO be used as a schanpps-stirrer! Delicious melted alcoholic chocolate and marshmallow for everyone!
Rub things on walls. Only eat them if the wall becomes transparent.
Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College, too?
It’s your window to weight gain!
BUTTER UP THAT BACON, BOY!
Be sure to wear your Thanksgiving pants.
http://lolsnaps.com/upload_pic/TheseAreMyThanksgi…
So: Halloween, 1999. I am almost 7 months pregnant. I do let my 4 year old keep some of his trick-or-treat haul, but that’s it. I am DONE with restraint.
Thanksgiving: 1 pecan pie for me, 1 pecan pie for the rest of you suckers. Pass the ice cream.
Hanukkah: Yeah, gelt is disgusting. I don’t care. Spin the dreidel and give me all the coins,
My birthday: CAKE! The only surprise at this surprise party is how much food I can pack away while still chatting with guests.
Christmas: “Did you see that fudge? Over on the snowflake plate? It’s sooo good, you should… oh, wait. Never mind. Mel got there already.”
Y2K: “Check out my cache of food, we are totally set for the breakdown of society and mob rule!” “Yeah, if you wanted that to still be true on New Year’s Day, you shouldn’t have invited Mel to the party.”
That kid was born two weeks early and he was over 9 pounds. Round as the damn full moon, his head was. Best holiday season ever.
i look forward to pregnancy.
Just don’t screw up and be heavily pregnant during the summer. Everyone’s all “oh, you’re probably hot, have a glass of water!”
Then they go off and drink margaritas and laugh at you.
I speak from bitter experience.
(Also, that’s the birth during which people brought BBQ to my labor room for dinner, like, I HAD A PIECE OF TOAST 14 HOURS AND SEVERAL UNPLEASANT BODY FUNCTIONS AGO, I AM NO LONGER NAMING MY CHILD AFTER YOU, DAD, so that pregnancy taught me a lot.)
TAKING NOTES OVER HERE.
Good. If my bitter experience can help but one Toastie enjoy refreshing summer beverages, it’s been worth it.
THEY BROUGHT BBQ? Oh, that is vile. I hope you got revenge.
Oh, frequently.
The one problem with being heavily pregnant in the winter is trying to find a winter coat. Fortunately my spouse is half Viking, so I could just borrow his. (The sleeves were almost to my knees, but who cares?)
Between my incubator-furnace, and the fact that I live in Houston, I avoided that with my winter pregnancy.
Also due to the fact that I live in Houston, my summer pregnancy involved a disturbing number of muumuus.
You know, there’s an old myth that it’s better to agree to be on the clean-up team so you can arrive at a holiday event and immediately position yourself in an armchair to start noshing on appetizers and knocking back aperitifs. But as any seasoned holiday eater knows, it’s always MUCH better to help out with cooking. That way you have ample excuses to “taste” several spoons of mashed potatoes, eat the extra cookie dough right out of the mixing bowl, make sure that the gravy is good by dunking multiple pieces of bread in it, etc. without anyone watching but the rest of the cooks. Who will also be stuffing their faces with cheese slices that just won’t fit onto the cheese tray, asking the other 5 people in the kitchen if they could please each try some of the hummus and make sure there’s enough tahini in there, and pouring entire bottles of the “cooking” wine down their gullets.
By helping out with cooking, or even just hanging out in the kitchen acting like you may start to help out at any time, you can get in that all-important pre-meal gluttony and also add extra butter to every dish in order to optimize everyone else’s holiday mealtime experience.
“hanging out in the kitchen acting like you may start to help out at any time” best idea!!
This is my ideal version of cooking with friends. I’ll just be over here, loitering around the table, ready to pitch in. There’s just this thing I have to do first…
Bonus: You get to skip out on cleaning up after, so you can achieve full catatonia on the sofa as you enter fat and happy hibernation.
It’s even VIRTUOUS full catatonia, because after all, you just spent the entire afternoon on your feet in the kitchen (drinking wine)
I love the day-after shift: after everyone goes home, after I’ve done a cursory clean-up, after I’ve slept and rested. I’ve learned to hold back a tiny bit of each party dish for myself, for later, for eating in my pajamas after the party’s long over.
A dear friend even gave me a stash of single-sized sparkling wine bottles so I can enjoy the drink-or-two (which is really all I want on my own) along with my day-after party treats of savory pastries or paté or cheeseball with grapes and crackers. Ahhhhhhhh.
Totally my whole family. We LIVE for leftovers.
A. MEN.
Remember, nothing evades your stupid aunt’s questions about how single you are like a big piece of pie stuffed in your mouth so she can’t understand what you’re saying. Bring pie as your date to parties!
Bonus: If your pet names for loved ones include sweetie pie and pumpkin, this will be an easy transition.
If all else fails, look for January birthday parties to attend.
When I worked retail, where from Thanksgiving on it’s a full-tilt scramble to get through December, I persuaded my bosses to throw our big staff party in the doldrums of January.
It.
Was.
TREMENDOUS.
And it became a tradition for a few years: get through December, then close down the shop for an evening in January for a party.
A party in January, when the bustle and tinsel is all past, really brightens up the winter. It changed our party from just one more busy event full of pressure to something relaxed and expansive, a rare chance for all of the staff to unwind and socialize together. It was dreamy.
“Stay away from protein and fiber” – What? Noooooo! You can keep your dry-ass turkey, sure, but this is also the season for prime rib and honey baked ham and oysters and Dungeness crab and I plan to eat my fill (and then some).
OH GAWD I JUST REALIZED: I can make an entire batch of Chex mix, all crunchy and salty and with the little crumbly bits translucently dark and greasy with butter-soaked Worcestershire sauce, and KEEP IT ALL FOR ME. I am a grown-up and no one can prevent me from doing it.
Not if you go and TELL US about it, you can’t. I mean, this is the internet.
WE WILL FIND YOU.
We will stalk you.
We will eat your Chex mix.
It wouldn’t be so sad if the buckets of Chex mix disappeared into the all-ravenous maws of people who appreciate it as much as I would, instead of being greeting with “Oh, Chex mix. That’s nice!”
Maybe I should host a holiday Chex open house, only for the people who are Chex-wild enough to hunt me down in person, in which we will just fill the living room ankle-deep in Chex mix and lie down in it, eating and crawling and eating and crawling.
I would attend this party. Also, did you know you can make chex mix in the microwave? Dirtying only one bowl? Revelatory.
I would also attend this party. (Especially if there were some cheese as a side.)
I got a stomach bug after eating Chex mix once, and now it has joined Cherry Surprise cookies on the list of things I can never eat again.
Oh, that makes me so sad for you. If you would like me to accompany you to all your holiday parties and eat up all the Chex mix to protect you, I would be happy to help. I don’t know what Cherry Surprise cookies are, but I’m pretty sure I can take care of all of those, too.
But really: UGH, how awful! That happened to me hours after my favorite lunch at my favorite restaurant, and, two years later, I still haven’t been able to eat that lunch again.
You just made me remember that I love Chex Mix, and haven’t had it for YEARS. Now I must have it. NOW.
pigs in blankets
pigs in blankets
pigs in blankets
My cousin makes these every Christmas and they account for at least 66% of my 4,000-calorie intake over the course of the day.
Lucky. I have an aunt who makes those gross meatballs that have grape jelly in the sauce and eeeeew, I’d SO rather have pigs in blankets.
An excerpt from an actual conversation I had with [REDACTED] upon her discovery that I make mini apple and blueberry pies, 6 inches across, to go along with the full-sized pumpkin pie for our household of two.
Her: Oh, that’s smart – so you can cut tiny little pieces and not go off your… [looks me up and down] diet.
Me: NOPE, it’s so I can pick it up and eat it out of hand while pretending I’m a giant.
WTF? Who would cut slices out of a 6-inch pie? That shit is perfectly hand-sized. Carry on (also, send pies).
Who would cut slices out of a 6-inch pie?
Someone who murders joy and hates her body and, not incidentally, disapproves of my relative comfort with mine? I’m just spitballing here, but it checks out.
To be honest, in the wake of some (minor) medical/digestive unpleasantness, I probably will be eating my Thanksgiving pies with greater restraint this year (and also probably won’t fill a kiddie pool with Chex mix and loll in it until I can’t hold my head up), but my restraint will be reluctant and necessary, not because I think it’s virtuous.
I don’t even really like pie (I know, I know), but now I really want make mini pies and pretend I am agiant while eating them.
Also highly recommended: tiny loaf pans to make tiny loaves of bread. Then you’ll feel fully justified in stomping around growling “FEE FI FO FUM” while you tear into your bread loaf with your GIANT HANDS AND TEETH.
Oooohhh a bread eating giant! Excellent. I do love bread!
And you can pretend your bread is made from the bones of an Englishman!
Is there a difference between a tiny loaf of bread and a roll?
i mean
a roll is shaped like a roll and a bread loaf is shaped like a loaf of bread
is all
and when you eat one, you’re eating a roll and when you eat the other you ARE A GIANT, STOMP STOMP
which would you choose?
You make a convincing argument.
Also, Cornish hens are great for pretending you’re a giant eating turkey.
!!!
That’s incredible.
YOU are incredible.
<3
These are also great tips for attending the open bar socials at academic/research conferences.
I have been known to slip into conferences that aren’t for my department to help myself to the pastries, because the business school is provided much better treats than any of the humanities.
True story: When I was in grad school, the grad student council had, as one of its officer positions, someone whose job it was to go around to the different receptions and sample the cheese to make sure it was of quality.*
Best foray into student government I ever made.
(*At least, they claimed it was a real position, but no one ever booted me from a reception, so.)
I swear to god, if my cousin whispers “a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips” to me at our family holiday gathering like she did last year, I’m going to shove an entire yule log in my mouth while maintaining steady eye contact with her.
I’ll be there in spirit, cheering you on.
I really want to see that. I’m picturing it cartoon-style: you open your mouth wiiiiiiiiide, insert the butt-end of the buche de Noel, put your flat palm against the other butt-end, and push it with steady pressure into your mouth. Tiny flecks of ganache and cake crumbs skitter about your face and the high buzz of a wood-chipper issues forth as your mouth reduces the Yule log to a delicious nothing.
i’ve never met you, Elsa, but based on what i’ve read here, i love you.
If the world was just, a pack of Twinkies would materialize out of thin air every time someone says that JUST so you can pop one into your mouth whole and chew slowly while maintaining unblinking eye contact.
… as “Bootylicious” plays in the background.
Well now I know what to say to reallllly irritate certain people I want to start avoiding me. This is excellent ammo, thanks.
(Also, there was a Simpsons when someone was injecting butter or cream or something equally delicious into the food Homer ate – it was a carnival? it was poison? doesn’t matter – anyway, you need one of those to syringe fat surreptitiously into your cousin’s entire meal.)
justifiable homicide, right there.
I’m going to shove an entire yule log in my her mouth while maintaining steady eye contact with her.
Fixed that for you.
This is the best thing ever.
Real conversation earlier today:
“I don’t have anything for breakfast.”
“There’s cake.”
Go slow and steady. You can fit way more calories in if you just never stop bringing food to your mouth and never give yourself time to digest anything. This ‘constant eating’ technique also prevents others from getting the good stuff.
How long did it take to come up with “if the glass ain’t fogged, your drink’s not nog”? Knowing you I’m guessing about zero seconds.
You are correct.
I came here hoping for a post on workouts, but this’ll do.
Yes.
This will do quite nicely.
Oh, that makes me so sad for you. If you would like me to accompany you to all your holiday parties and eat up all the Chex mix to protect you, I would be happy to help. I don't know what Cherry Surprise cookies are, but I'm pretty sure I can take care of all of those, too.
But really: UGH, how awful! That happened to me hours after my favorite lunch at my favorite restaurant, and, two years later, I still haven't been able to eat that lunch again.
Thank you.
Also highly recommended: tiny loaf pans to make tiny loaves of bread. Then you'll feel fully justified in stomping around growling "FEE FI FO FUM" while you tear into your bread loaf with your GIANT HANDS AND TEETH.
i am so glad to see this again. We are headed to the in-laws tomorrow, and there’s a real possibility dessert will run out! (I did make and eat a pumpkin pie last weekend though just in case.)
We’ve got 10 adults and a handful of kids coming, so I’m planning 2 pumpkin, 1 pecan, one lemon tart, and a chocolate cake. But I might add an apple pie if I’m afraid we’ll run out
Better make the apple, just to be safe. 1/2 a dessert might be enough, but what if those pesky kids want some??
If you aren’t eating pumpkin pie for breakfast for the next week, you’re doing it wrong.
My mom is the only person in the family who likes cranberry sauce and spends a full day making a fancy one just for her. She may be my hero.
I have been to events with many different numbers of pumpkin pies, but I have yet to see it last past the first breakfast. Maybe I need to just keep making more all week?
We’re a family of four and specifically buy two pumpkin pies so we can have breakfast pie for the rest of the weekend
Ah, I see you are restrained pie-eaters.
I am fairly certain at this point that I have eaten pumpkin pie for breakfast far more often that I’ve eaten it for dessert.
Spouse considers breakfast pie an abomination. This, from a man who thinks Chef Boyardee and bananas are good breakfast food.
Mixed? O.O
I shouldn’t yuck someone else’s yum. I can’t do sweet things in the morning and, since it has been recommended to me that my body might appreciate me eating less bread, I have taken to having baked tofu with tomato wedges and cucumber-cabbage kraut for a couple of breakfasts a week, maybe topped with some toasted cashews. (I want to be a person who likes yogurt, but my mouth gets bored without chewing.)
MOAR PIE FOR U
Between the parade, the dog show, and a whole lotta football, there’s a lot of temptation to sit in front of the TV on Thanksgiving. If you give in, remember to bring a bowl or two of appetizers with you to the couch, as watching TV is a great way to get in the zone and polish off 50% of the chestnuts you’re supposed to be peeling
Proving that good advice is, indeed, timeless.
Now I’m hungry again.
I really like this re-running of old material. I had no memory of this until I saw the comments.
I had a massive case of deja vu reading it until I saw the comments’ dates!
I found out it ran when I started to get replies to comments I made 106 weeks ago. I’m so happy to know that my tales of horror are still around to inspire people 2 years later.
I 100% didn’t notice I was replying to 106-week-old comments until I got down this far on the comment thread. HI I’M OBSERVANT.
I just assumed there was a glitch. “Hahaha! 106 weeks ago! No one was alive back then.”
I regularly go find this to show people, so appreciate it being conveniently at the top.
Mallory, no! Make sure your nog is sterilized and the eggs are good. Otherwise you risk food poisoning, and with food poisoning, the calories go right out of you. Besides the more variety of drinks you have, the more empty calories you ingest. Alternate every cocktail with a different fruit juice, soda, coffee milkshake, bullet coffee, brown butter, types of milk, until you’ve sampled all the liquids your host has to offer. Leave no liquid unimbibed. Ensure? Drink it. Melted ice cream? Chug it! Then repeat. If you’re really creative, declare to your host you have come up with new drinks, and then blend the cheese log with some olives when they’re not looking. Garnish with bacon. Chewing is for suckers.
Drippings. Nothing better.
This is still brilliant, of course. But now I’m sad about long-lost commenters we haven’t seen in a while. Come back, yall! *sniff*
Things you can add to your morning coffee during the holidays and no one can stop you: hot cocoa mix, an entire candy cane, chocolate syrup, caramel syrup, whipped cream, Cool Whip, peppermint ice cream, amaretto, bourbon, rum, eggnog, Bailey’s, scotch.
all of the above
All at once. Make yourself a Pan-Galactic Kringle Blaster.
I doff my elf hat to you, O Pun Master.
I put candy canes in my coffee quite often if I’ve run out of flavoured coffee.
be sure to wait a few hours before you start eating, otherwise the food in your stomach might soak up some of the alcohol
This is the sort of attitude that got me where I am today.
This continues to be the best advice anyone will ever give or receive in this or any other lifetime.
I’m trying to embed tweets in a comment, but the code twitter gives me just shows up whole and entire, naked before the world. Any advice? I want to promote my own Hannibal turducken advice.
screenshot and post as a picture? Or just link to the tweet?
I…feel deeply foolish for not having thought of the [img src] tag.
Nope, it’s not meant to be, my genius shall go unheard.
Looking back at my general eating habits, I’m pretty sure I’ve been following this guide my whole life. Can I sprinkle peanut M&Ms on this isn’t just good advice, it is a way of life.
Just found this recipe, and thought it perfectly fit with the spirit of the holidays here.
http://www.food.com/recipe/thanksgiving-piecaken-…
Cut servings in half before you eat. Fill the empty swath between your portion halves with gravy, then eat both halves. You could put some dip on that gravy, you know. Just because your food’s got gravy on it doesn’t mean you couldn’t use some dip.
him: why do we need 2 whole jars of gravy???
me (finger to his lips): shhhhhhh.
You can get gravy in a jar? How did I not know that?!?
LAUGHING ‘TIL I CRY, RIGHT HERE IN THE OFFICE!!! Thank you Mallory, you are my superhero.
This is perfection.
Feeling jealous of all the Americans enjoying their Extra Christmas In November as I sit here in front of my computer eating microwaved fish pie and trying to write a 2500 word paper for tomorrow.