Previous editions of the Quotable Jane Austen for Evil People can be found here. Most recently: Mansfield Park.
When your friend asks if you like her new haircut:
“We are not all born to be handsome.”
When ickily scamming on some chick named [Something] Elliot at a garden show:
“You need not be afraid, Miss Elliot, of your own sweet flower gardens being neglected.”
When your son tells you he’s gotten a merit-based scholarship to nursing school:
“Nursing does not belong to a man; it is not his province.”
When you know Anne is in the next room, but you just really want to make your dislike for her clear:
“Then I’m sure Anne had better stay, for nobody will want her in Bath.”
When you’re crafting your OkCupid profile:
“Anybody between fifteen and thirty may have me for asking.”
When announcing your intention to violate your father’s trusted collaborator’s intellectual property rights:
“I have been making a duplicate of the cataloge of my father’s books and pictures.”
When devaluing someone’s lived experience of chronic illness:
“I wish you could persuade Mary not to be always fancying herself ill.”
When telling your partner you don’t do oral:
“I have not nerves for the sort of thing.”
When your quivering prey asks you how many blows are yet to come:
“Sixty, or perhaps sixty-two.”
When your husband finds you in bed with someone on shore leave:
“Sailors work hard enough for their comforts, we must all allow.”
When really upping your nasty game on [Something] Elliot:
“I should recommend Miss Elliot to be on her guard with respect to her flower garden.”
Nicole is an Editor of The Toast.