1. Pack light
“Who brings two ceramic mugs backpacking?”
2. Always let someone know where you’re going (Part 1).
“We should probably text someone where we are before we leave the car.”
“I don’t have cell service.”
“We could leave a note?
“For who?”
“Those people.” [Gestures toward the other empty vehicle parked at the end of the logging road]
“What should it say?”
“Our names and what day it is, and to please call my parents if the car is still here tomorrow?”
“What if someone actually calls your parents before we get back?”
“It’s fine. Don’t talk about it.”
3. Know the flora of the area. Avoid dangerous plants, such as stinging nettles.
“If you hit me in the face, I will make it my life’s mission to eradicate you from the planet.”
“Fuck.”
4. Practice “No-Trace” camping. (If you pack it in, pack it out.)
“I should really take my tampons back out with us. But I don’t want to.
“Can’t you just bury them or something?”
“I’m going to put them in this bag of garbage and then I’ll be the only one to open it again and we’ll never speak of it.”
“Deal.”
5. Always let someone know where you’re going (Part 2).
“We definitely should have texted someone already.”
“Maybe there’s cell service in the town?”
“Check now.”
“I have one bar. No wait, no service. No wait–”
“Do you want me to turn around?”
“Maybe. Yes.”
“How far was it?”
“Don’t know. One bar—no wait, now searching. There must be a spot somewhere.”
“Maybe there’s a library on the way.”
6. Always take a map
“We could just buy the whole book.”
“It’s like, 40 bucks. No way.”
“I think the girl behind the cash knows what we’re doing.”
“It’s fine, let’s just write down directions for a couple places.”
“Don’t forget the one with the goats.”
7. Don’t eat anything you can’t identify
“But they look like blueberries.”
“I don’t know. They’re really small.”
“Wild berries are always small.”
“Still.”
“They must be blueberries.”
“Are they supposed to have all those little seeds?”
“They totally taste like blueberries. It’s fine.”
“Great.”
8. Keep all food out of reach of animals, particularly bears.
“I forgot to get the pop-top tuna cans. Also the can opener.”
“Use the knife to cut it open. Try not to get tuna juice all over you.”
“It’s fine. I’m pouring it out.”
“On the trail?”
“Yes.”
“Where we’re going to sit and eat?”
“Yes?”
“And where the animals live?”
“Where is that bear bell?”
9. Always remember to bring emergency food.
“Wait. How much couscous did you bring?”
“One night’s worth. My list said one night of couscous. How much did you bring?”
“…”
“Didn’t your list also say one night of couscous?”
“I brought Mr. Noodles?”
“Mr. Noodles and ready-to-serve Indian food for dinner?”
“Maybe?”
“Cool.”
10. Don’t take unnecessary risks
“Look at that log. It looks like it used to be the bridge.”
“It’s not that far.”
“The water is moving pretty fast.”
“Maybe I could—”
“No.”
“Not the whole way, just—”
“Nope.”
“But if I aim for that rock—”
“Absolutely not.”
“What if we take the river signpost and lay it across and then…?”
“Ok, cool.”
Tags: call your girlfriend and say let’s not do this again, erin flegg, the great outdoors
Ha! LOVE. Maybe we should leave a note… 😀
Has anyone read Wild? I do not participate in any outdoorsy activities ever, but all I could thinkk during that book was how insufficiently prepared she seemed, even though I don’t know how one does prepare for such a thing. I couldn’t get past that to like the book.
The people in this story seem better prepared than she did, is what I’m saying.
Here are some outdoors-mostly-women talking about Wild: http://geargals.com/anti-wild/
Oooh, thanks for this link. They seem to be hitting the golden spot of loving the outdoors and being competent at going outside without being smug about it.
Wait really? I also do not participate in any outdoorsy activities ever, but I thought she seemed really prepared. (As someone who very much aspires to be the an outdoorsy type person but also lives in a concrete crave)
Although I guess if she had bothered to test out her backpacking equipment slash broken in her hiking boots, half of her problems would not have occurred.
Basically all I get from these writings is the understanding that “nature will kill you because you’re dumb no matter how prepared you are, aren’t you glad industrial capitalism happened?”
I am. I am glad industrial capitalism happened.
Ahhh that part of the book killed me. I do part in outdoorsy activities, and I just wanted to sit her down before she went anywhere and make her try on her backpack and shoes. My boyfriend recently bought his first pair of hiking boots, and you’d better believe we tried those out on a small hike before going anywhere big!
I cut her some slack for grief/life torpedoing and realizing (hilariously, at times) along the way how insufficiently prepared she was. Aron Ralston is my go-to person for irritation at lack of preparation.
I HATED Wild. So much. I keep expecting to find out that it was totally, James Frey style, fake.
Oh god, Jos is a nightmare for lack of preperation.
“Lets go up that mountain that the hiking book we bought today says is really difficult.”
“It’s raining, I’m wearing jogging bottoms and you’re wearing trainers. We have a single bottle of water between us and no food and blankets. No-one knows where we are,”
“You worry too much.”
As we discuss my ‘worrying too much’ a reezing fog descends on the peak of the mountain he wants to climb.
When I went to Hadrians Wall I could indulge my worrywart status and overprepared to the point I had to throw some food out on the second day cause I didn’t need it and it was too heavy to carry.
“JOGGING BOTTOMS”
/shuts down all of England
YOU JOG IN THEM AND YOU WEAR THEM ON YOUR BOTTOM HALF, MALLORY
IT’S BETTER THAN JOGGING PANTS
PANTS IS UNDERWEAR
and ‘Jogging Trousers’ would be inaccurate and wrong
RUNNING SHORTS WILL DO JUST FINE
BUT THEY AREN’T SHORTS
THEY COVER YOU FROM HIPS TO ANKLES
IF THEY WERE SHORTS I WOULD SAY SHORTS
PANTS IS PANTS
UNDERWEAR IS UNDERWEAR
BOTTOMS IS ANYTHING YOU WEAR ON YOUR BOTTOM HALF and is also your butt sometimes.
PANTS IS UNDERWEAR
TROUSERS IS PANTS
BOTTOMS IS, INDEED, ANYTHING YOU WEAR ON YOUR BOTTOM HALF, LIKE TOPS IS ANYTHING YOU WEAR ON YOUR TOP HALF
I feel like I’ve wandered into the haberdashery chapter* of Orwell’s 1984.
*1984 has a haberdashery chapter**, right? The way Moby Dick has a catalog of whales, and also of lamps and ropes?
**”Haberdashery chapter” quickly replaced “jogging bottoms” as the collection of pleasing sounds I will repeat under my breath all day.
if you liked that you’ll love Pyjama Bottoms
WHAT KIND OF PAJAMA MALARKEY* ARE YOU TRYING TO HAWK HERE?
*Clearly the new winner chez moi.
PAJAMA MALARKEY is definitely the phrase of the day.
I love all of you people
The summer after my senior year my church took a trip to England (from Texas), and one of my friends, trying to make conversation, approached an elderly lady at the local church and asked her, “Do you like my new pants?” He had no idea that what she heard was, “Do you like my new underwear?” and was thus pretty confused by her horror.
No personal anecdote, but I would appreciate an explanation from those readers seven hours ahead of Eastern Standard Time of the English phrase, “I’m pants at that.”
“I’m pants at that” which appears to be used as an admission of incompetence among those of the English persuasion.
I feel very deeply that this explanation could only assist in greatly clarifying the whole jogging bottoms v pants v trouser debate which rocks our great commonwealth of Toast. Nods vigorously.
Wabble on, ladies. Wabble on.
This list gives me anxiety. The only way I can go backpacking is with my husband, because he was in the army and treats it like a mission. It’s actually the only time he’s ever more organized than me…
This post needs trigger warnings for Ontarians. I’m not saying anything other than “Snow in April.”
The tuna juice is waay more triggering for me. I live in Yukon…where last year’s snow is often on the ground in April and we get snow in July (sometimes). We have two kinds of bears. Fish products are officially banned on my hikes, always…
I am right there with you, here in northern BC. The whole thing made me uncomfortable, but that part in particular. I’m a fish biologist, though, so I routinely cover myself in fish slime and wander through grizzly territory so it was the bear bells that made me twitch most. Anyone who still think they’re useful has no place being in the bush.
We just have wee ickle black bears, mainly attracted to the scent of garbage, and unfortunately good at swimming.
And timber wolves. We also still have timber wolves. I have seen their paw prints which are the size of my palm and I have heard them howl, and therefore I no longer go camping anywhere there are living things now that I am out of the mandatory tents phase of my life.
I know a lot of people who spend a lot of time in the bush who would rather deal with a grizzly than a black bear. I’ve had a few members of one of the local indigenous groups tell me that they traditionally don’t make any noise in the woods because they’d rather surprise a grizzly than get the attention of a black bear.
and people think Australia is bad? All we have is drop bears and spiders.
The fuck is a drop bear (UPDATE: googled, oh wow)
http://www.australiangeographic.com.au/journal/dr…
(Urgh I don’t know if the link sent the first time so apologies if this is a double post)
This is so far the best native Australian animal fact sheet I’ve found, mainly because it’s descriptions are unintentionally hilarious: http://www.environment.nsw.gov.au/animals/NativeA…
Also, everyone thinks spiders and snakes are bad but jesus fuck drop bears…
OMG, WTF. I am so horrified that I can only respond in text speak.
Black bears were responsible for half the recorded NA human bear fatalities since 1900…people underestimate them…all…the…damn…time…
My worst large wild animal encounter was with a cow moose. She was big as a Clydesdale. Four adults, one teen and a dog…we were hiking in dense bush and ended up a few metres from where she was bedded down with twin newborn calves. Never knew a herbivore could roar like that! Yukon moose cows lose half their babies to wolves and bears, so I don’t blame her for thinking the worst. When she charged, it was TERRIFYING! I’m still surprised no-one got stomped.
Lots of people here are more afraid of moose than bears…their numbers are higher, they are huge and they will fight hard if they feel threatened…
I still love to hike and camp, though…
I live in West Kootenay region of B.C. and have endless choices for quiet wilderness hikes. When I go for quick solo jaunts with my 80lb German Shepherd, I always stick to marked trails (man-made or animal), am aware of bear sign (stumbled across many but have rarely felt threatened) and always make sure to talk to any hunters that pop up through the trees (BONUS: being silently amused when mansplained wilderness dangers, although the cougar warning was admittedly helpful).
But when one is blessed/cursed with adult ADD, sometimes logic goes out the window. And even though you overdressed, wore the wrong shoes, didn’t bother to tell someone where the hell you were going, forgot to fill your water pack, and just had to follow that deer path regardless of where it goes, thank God the dog can show you the way home.
So long live the occasional packing goof is what I’m saying, I guess!
Will anybody be offended if I use the phrase ‘the West Kootenay Region’ to refer to my genitals?
Outside is scary. Hiking involves too many things. Stay on the couch.
http://www.australiangeographic.com.au/journal/dr…
(Urgh I don't know if the link sent the first time so apologies if this is a double post)
http://www.museumofhoaxes.com/hoax/animals/commen…
OH MAN OH MAN when you say “the one with the goats” YOU MEAN THIS, DON’T YOU
I hope you are still getting notifications about this because this fact sheet page is HILARIOUS. I say this having only read the first three teasers and laugh-breathing hysterically. I love the Toast archives