In the course of my daily work, I sometimes find occasion to visit coffee shops, where I am often witness to introductory job interviews. I could not put my finger on what exactly about these interviews bothered me — other than the inherent degradation — until this morning, when I heard yet another interviewee respond to the question “Can I get you anything?” with “I’m fine, thanks.” This is then followed by no more than twenty minutes of perfunctory question-asking, at which point the battle is already lost.
Over the course of your young life, you will find yourself in many situations where someone older than yourself, almost certainly wearing a blue-and-white-checked buttoned shirt with excessively stiff cuffs, will offer you something to eat or drink. This may happen in the course of an informational interview, in a meeting with a prospective mentor or volunteer coordinator, or a late-stage job interview, but no matter what the circumstances are, it is imperative that you resist the urge to say “No thanks, I’m fine.”
It is an admirable impulse on your part, I am sure; an attempt to demonstrate your innate stoicism and willingness to Go Without for the Sake of the Company, but you are cutting yourself off at the knees. Nothing in life is certain, and you have almost no chance of getting this job. They are meeting you in a Starbucks. They are not serious about you. The job listing was posted merely as a horrible joke; they have known the exact name of the man (it is a man) they planned to hire for months, and he has known too. Order a goddamn bagel and a large coffee. Soak them for all they’re fucking worth. You know how many opportunities there are for free food in a young professional’s life? Not nearly fucking enough, that’s how many, and the opportunities get fewer and fewer the closer you get to 40 and are expected to be consistently feeding yourself.
Free food is a good thing, perhaps the best thing, and when you get the chance, you have to grab it with both hands and put some of it in your purse for later. I can’t tell if you’re going to get that mentor, or a decent lead, or whatever it is you’re looking for when you put on your nicest black slacks and talk to someone who clearly hasn’t read your resume for half an hour, but I can tell you this: if they offer to buy you a drink and you say yes, you have gotten a free drink. That is something that has happened to you in the course of your day. The day has not been in vain: you have supped and drank on this shitty company’s miserable dime, and no one can fault you for it. You are being offered free food and drink. This is not a trick, nor a trap designed to expose you as a freeloader. It is a gift. Take it. Take the bagel and run.
Tags: advice, getting what you can, professionalism, the workplace
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PREACH. Take alllll the free food.
(I once ordered a steak and half a pound of crab legs at a staff holiday dinner – we were eating in trade for unpaid debt the restaurant had with us, and I knew how much it was, so I knew it wasn’t a big deal. But still. I do NOT play when it comes to free food)
I’m also that bitch that eats the first doughnut so everyone else can start eating them.
Bitch. Hero. Same thing.
<3 u
Ah but are you the person who will eat the LAST doughnut? I am the person who will look longingly at it for a day and throw it out because it has gone utterly stale and congealed.
Yes. yes I am.
Everyone else at my office has Horrid Eating Issues (“Oh, I shouldn’t really! I’m so bad!”) so I’m absolutely the one who eats the last doughnut. LONG HAIR DON’T CARE
Yeah, I’ll just eat the last one. No messing.
I always take the last candy, because otherwise it will sit there for literal months.
(I actually had a boss leave a single wrapped hard candy in a dish on his desk for six months. After the third time he called me into his office and the candy was still there, I asked about it and he said it was a social experiment to see how long it would take before someone felt okay with taking the last candy. Whereupon I promptly unwrapped and ate it.)
It wasn’t even good.
I just don’t like it when old cishet white guys say something is a social experiment, I think.
It’s usually code for “I’m an asshole and like to mess with people.”
All hard candy is the work of the Devil Himself.
You just made me realize that everyone waiting so as not to be the first one is my pet peeve. We, as humans who have persisted, ARE FUCKING PIONEERING ADVENTURERS. Be the first one at the office party to open that beer/wine bottle and drink it, you rule.
You’d think for all the colonizing the UK has done, they’d be into this ethos, but no. I happily wear the mantle of greedy first-and-last-to-eat American here and they are fucking grateful for my getting the glutton ball rolling in the break room.
I’m nearly positive this is why my wedding caterers were so insistent that as the bride and groom, we go to the buffet immediately.
No one else would start the buffet if we didn’t.
Oh god, at my parent’s wedding no one started the buffet for like 45 minutes after the ceremony. My mom and step dad were too busy taking pictures and talking I guess, I don’t really remember. I do remember how the food sat there, slowly cooling and the poor meat slicing guy just stood there, holding his knife, trying to catch someone’s eye while everyone milled around, deliberately not looking at the food. No one wanted to start, but we were all hungry.
God bless the brave souls who will just fucking start to eat.
have worked weddings, can confirm.
I’m hesitant about this now after, while working in state government, I almost body-checked the governor of Alaska in my eagerness to get ice cream on Employee Appreciation Day.
(Context: We were told the higher ups in the Dept. of Administration would be handing out ice cream. The governor’s presence was a surprise, I came up very suddenly behind him to check out the cooler, and didn’t recognize who he actually was until I was sitting down and eating, which is when I had a bit of an “ooooh shiiiiit” moment. I would have been embarrased if I had accidentally thrown an elbow at him or something, but he’s pissing away all the state’s revenue to give breaks to his oil company bros, so I wouldn’t have felt BAD.)
You have my sword. Let us go on a quest for ALL the free ice cream!
We have receptions semi-regularly at the university and believe me I am eating all the snacks/sandwiches (depending on time of day) and drinking all the beer/wine. You have it out there on a table, I’m not going to be fake-modest about it.
Right? Fuck that shit I’ve got things to do, I don’t need to stand around looking awkwardly at everyone else. Let’s eat.
Yo what about when (older, male) coworkers (that you kinda get vibes from) offer to buy you something from the bodega across the street? I feel weird about it and say no every time even though I am generally also on the free-food-is-rad bus.
I think if you feel weird about it honestly continue to not do it, if it feels like you are opening the door to creepiness. In a job interview situation you never have to see them again.
If you want to shut it down, ask for tampons or something similarly embarrassing [to many non-women].
*whispers with slightly teary eyes as though staring into the sun* it’s brilliant
Okay but when coworkers ask you if you need/want something from wherever they’re going, how do you know if they’re offering to pay for it or if they want money? I always say no because I can never figure it out (& I don’t just want to go around assuming people are buying me things)
I just begin to try to give them slightly more money than I think it is. If they were treating, they’ll say so at that point.
I always say no, as I never ever have cash on me and wouldn’t expect someone else to bankroll my Dr. Pepper.
Okay, but what if your coworker (older, higher ranking) brings you food unasked? Like amazing mac-and-cheese-grilled-sandwich food? And what if you have an eensy crush on this coworker? Can I reasonably bang my coworker, is what I’m asking.
Yes. As long as y’all are both single. A man who brings you (free amazing) food is surely deserving of the wondrous gift of your heart/vagina, should you already wish to bestow it.
*anoints you with sword*
Bergie, honey, I love how you’ve basically become the Advisor/Patron Saint of Free Food on this link. Rock on.
ACCURATE. SO ACCURATE.
I just left a horrific job with a boss who forgot to send you half the details of a project and then blamed you when she explained to the client why all the shit was missing. The day I was offered another job was also the day she bitched us all out (audibly, outside the door, on the phone) and then offered to buy us something at the coffee shop because she knew we must’ve overheard. My coworkers said no – I asked for an Americano and a $8 sandwich.
great touch with the Americano. “I’ll have this drink that is functionally equivalent to drip coffee BUT TWICE AS EXPENSIVE”
I was like, “what overpriced drink can I get that’s not so obviously a “fancy coffee” a la a cappuccino or latte but still screams YOU OWE ME THIS MUCH?”
I hope the sandwich had sprouts or radicchio or a similarly expensive yuppie filler ingredient.
Arugula!
Mallory Ortberg is a writer in San Francisco
You know she knows just exactly where the facts go
She ain’t gonna let no recruiter make you feel low
Her advice is always accept free baked dough
Go on, take the bagel and run
Go on, take the bagel and run
::keyboard clap x5::
I had to go back and re-read once I realized what tune I should be singing in my head 🙂
YES! At the only job interview I’ve had in my life that actually mattered, one dude (now one of my 6 bosses) asked if he could get me either coffee or water and I said “coffee sounds good…black” and I doubt I’d be sitting here in this office chair typing this if I had responded with “No thanks, I’m fine”. Companies want people who want to treat themselves with dignity, employers want you to pamper yourself. Everyday is your birthday, you deserve everything and anything. I think I could write a page in a motivational book right now.
I love what you’re saying here, but I’m fixated on the fact that you’ve got 6 BOSSES. How does that work? How are you not jumping off bridges or drunk every night? My enquiring mind wants to know!
I AM drunk every night. Okay maybe not drunk drunk, but cutting back is a work in progress. The boss who hired me sold our small acoustical engineering company to 4 senior consultants/scientists, old boss is still around (semi-retired), and I work under another senior consultant who didn’t want to be an owner. What’s worse, there’s a total of 13 employees, INCLUDING all the bosses. Does this excuse my alcoholism? (Not complaining too much, my job’s kinda cool sometimes.)
Yes, take the bagel. Once I was the interviewer, and I had not touched my muffin(I had ordered it so the interviewee would feel comfortable ordering something) and at the end when we were through, he asked if he could have it. I said sure, but it didn’t occur to me until afterwards that maybe he would need it for later because that was all there would be to eat.
……………………this is such good advice I need to carve into my heart.
REACH FOR THE FOOD
This is the best moment of “Community.” EVER.
My first professional job interview was in one of the fanciest hotels in Washington DC and I was offered nothing. But the lounge piano player started playing in the middle of the interview and it did not faze me. So maybe that is the cheap government contractor equivalent? Ignore the piano player and get the job?
If you still feel like you’re freeloading, bring bootstraps to pull up on so as to emphasize your self-reliance and your ability to accept free things while hating the idea of others getting free things.
It’s not freeloading if a Job-Creator offers it to you out of the goodness of his/her heart, though! Imagine how many more coffees they would be able to offer you if it weren’t for the oppressive tax burden under which they labor day in and day out.
In the Libertarian utopia, the rivers are flowing with coffee.
Only for hardworking white male Americans, though! No freeloading off the rivers of coffee! You have to earn that coffee, at the discretion of a Job Creator.
Coffee is for CLOSERS, duh.
Earn? Sir/Madam, I BUILT this coffee with my two hands. Have you ever built anything meaningful?
At least get the coffee so you have something to sip when you get asked a stupid question about your greatest weakness and need to cover an awkward silence.
Great idea, but everyone’s greatest weakness is just caring too much about the work, you know?
Just say “procrastination”. Everyone does it, it could be in regards to anything with any amount of time involved. And yeah, coffee as a stall tactic prop is gold. Props are important, without props my fidgeting looks weird.
I know someone who replied to that question with “Sharks.”
He got the job tho so #yolo
I’ve always done something socially awkward by that point in the interview, so it’s a good opportunity to spin that a little.
“Not remembering the names of brilliant and talented people who told me their names only moments earlier. Staring at posters when I should be listening. In my defense, it’s an amazing poster.”
Then it’s obviously off the cuff, underlines that I know being obsessed with their bird feeder is not ideal, and tricks them into empathizing with me and my awkwardness. <insert maniacal laugh>
late reply is late; I once turned up to a job interview five minutes late on a record hot day and then had to climb three flights of stairs to the interview.
I told would not be joining their stair racing team.
Still got the job though!
Dunno if there are any under-18 Toasties hanging around this thread, but the same goes for college interview. College is a gamble and no one can say where you’ll get in or how you got in the places you did. Your interviewer has BEEN to that college and is secure in his or her well-meaning pity of your young, nervous face. Let them buy you a hot chocolate.
My uncle told me to ask for tea or coffee, not a soda or the like. So I ordered tea. Still didn’t get into the school, so I don’t know how valid that advice is…
Also, your interviewer wants to a) not feel awkward hanging out in the Starbucks without buying something, but b) not feel awkward drinking something while you don’t have anything. My interviewees always say they’re fine, I always get them a bottle of water, at least — talking about yourself for an hour is thirsty work!
The greatest interview answer I ever gave was at this intense/weird audition situation for an acting conservatory. We had all had individual closed door auditions, followed by individual interviews. This was then followed by a group interview, which was both a way of them giving everyone the same spiel about the school at once and also seeing how we handled being in a large group.
The guy leading the session went to pains to explain that XYZ was a strict conservatory program and that there were no sports and no extra curriculars, absolutely nothing but this very rigorous program that would eat your life. Then he asked everyone to go around in the circle and say why they wanted to go to XYZ.
Everyone gave these very heartfelt and pander-y answers about loving theater or film and needing to express themselves artistically. After about 30 eventually eye-glazing statements they got to me, the last person to answer. I said, “Oh, I want to go to XYZ for the lacrosse team” and leaned back in my seat.
Every other aspiring actor looked at me like I’d just merrily shot myself in the foot. The interviewer opened his mouth to correct me, then got the joke and started laughing.
I totally got in.
DEFINITELY order the coffee. Skip the bagel unless you are certain that you can talk eloquently about yourself while also chewing your food and not spilling bagel crumbs down your front or smearing cream cheese across your mouth. My company used to always end up taking interviewees to Italian food, and while it was entertaining to try to watch them eat spaghetti while nervously talking about themselves, it never, ever, ended well. (The ones who ordered tortellini usually had life a little easier, but really, food and interviews don’t mix that well.)
I’m an academic, so the second interview for the position I currently hold was an all-day affair. The person who is now my boss emailed me the week before the interview with a short list of restaurants and asked me where I wanted lunch, university’s treat. I replied, “I’m sure you’re going to be eating out a lot for these interviews and probably at these places. Take me to the place that no one else picks. I don’t care – I love to eat.”
100+ candidates in the pool. I swear this was one of the smartest things I did in the entire process. Take the free food! It’s okay to be obviously, mildly excited about the free food!
That is brilliant
Oh man, academic interviews and food. The best are when you sit down at the table, surrounded by current faculty with a plate of food. Then, they all ask questions at once. And your poor food just sits there looking at you.
I did not love that part of academic interviews. Or, really most of the parts.
for anyone who’s ever going to be in a meal-interview situation–which is pretty much a requisite part of the academic hiring process but happens in other contexts also–let me tell you the brilliant advice my boss (a dean) gave me when my husband was going out on his first round of interviews:
*you will not be able to actually eat effectively at all the meals during your campus visit, so:
*have a small bag of nuts/a granola bar/etc. with you that you can quickly scarf down in the bathroom if you start feeling lightheaded, &
*at restaurant meals, get grilled fish, or something else you can easily cut with a fork. obviously the venue (& your food preferences) might require alterations to this plan, but in general, scan the menu not thinking “what sounds tasty” but rather “what requires the least effort to consume but is still something I will willingly eat.”
*finally, also have snacks waiting for you back at your hotel room (see first point above).
“Free food is a good thing, perhaps the best thing, and when you get the chance, you have to grab it with both hands and put some of it in your purse for later.”
I swear to god, this will be my epithet.
(I will stash some food from my funeral into my casket and take it with me to the afterlife.)
The ancient Egyptians are way ahead of you on this one.
“Take the bagel and run” is perfection.
Interviewed with two horrible lawyers from Texas. Could tell interview was hopeless. Answered honestly when they asked me about “my most interesting experience over the summer.” Enjoyed their horror as I discussed crashing a Little People of America Convention Happy Hour & talking with one of the extras from the original Total Recall movie.
WAS THIS IN DALLAS BECAUSE I THINK I WAS THERE
No, it was in Boston, many, many moons ago. I was actually celebrating/recovering from the bar exam at a w/my friends and was delirious from exhaustion. Somehow swept into the group from the convention and had one of those excellent and vintage “bar conversations.”
Because I didn’t order or pay for anything, at first I hesitated when Mallory offered me a bite of that McDonald’s holiday pie thing with the mystery uncooked batter in the middle, then I tried it, then I ate the rest of her ice cream cone. The free dessert flood gates had opened.
I think it’s supposed to be a custard filling.
That is some custard with texture.
And when you attend a breakfast meeting before flying back, grab a bagel/pastry/ cookie for later. Once I was stranded in Newark after changing planes and it was late and nothing was open. That blueberry bagel with cream cheese saved me.
The one time I ever took this offer I ordered the cheapest little sandwich on the menu. He kept urging me to order more. It soon became apparent that somehow he thought I would be willing to work 40+ hours a week for free. This was not the case. The interview went quickly south after that. No wonder he was willing to be so generous on the $8 sandwich.
The best part? This was for a non-profit working to end modern-day slavery. IRONY.*
*Obviously an unpaid white-collar job is not equivalent to being trafficked and enslaved. BUT IT’S A SLIPPERY SLOPE.
I wish I had taken this advice a few months ago. I met with an interviewer for a job I didn’t get so that we could go over my interview (it was a government job and they have a weird, hard-to-navigate interview style). He offerred, I said no because I already had a coffee and I figured he was doing me a favour, but it turns out his wife owns the place so it would have been free for him anyway.
What is the DEAL with government interviews? Where I live (Canada) there is a secret resume/cover letter format; if you don’t use it they will just throw out your application. The interview was the most intense of my life, only made worse by the fact that it was held in an ancient (government) building with no air conditioning on one of the hottest days of summer. At the end of the interview they asked for my references, and said that they would like my CURRENT BOSS as a reference. Oh sure, that is no problem. I’m sure my boss would love to help me find employment elsewhere! Of course I could not use my boss, and I don’t think I did a very good job being diplomatic about explaining why. I was offered the position though.
I’m in Canada, too! Although I was applying for a BC government job, not a federal one. Their interviews are TERRIBLE. And the BC ones have these “behavioural compentency” questions where they ask you some “tell us about a time when you showed leadership”-style questions and then your answer is graded according to a score card. Which, fine, except that the scorecard isn’t available to the general public but IS available to any government employee giving them a massive advantage (in addition to the additional points they get for being a government employee). The most useful thing I got from this guy is that the interviewers have to give you the score card if you ask, but are unable to offer it to you if you don’t ask. This is far easier than begging my government-employed mom for it, since she always tells me she’s not going to help me “cheat” on my interview. Also, all of your behaviour competency questions must have a reference, so I had to include a reference from my current job. I lost to the top person by one point, but they called my reference from my current job anyway. The whole thing made me pretty angry.
I would actually say no to the coffee because it adds to the anxiety, as well as potentially bad breath. Do tea instead. Sure, the job is probably a long shot but at least you won’t be nervous during the interview.
If you hate tea or if you’re prone to sleepiness, well.. I don’t know what to tell you.
I have never had an interview in a coffeeshop that was not for working in said coffeeshop. 🙁
Same– but I still took them up on an offer to get a coffee before my interview started. And I even got it with soy milk.
every time i’ve had these interviews it has been for unpaid unlabor, warning sign right there and I’ve never taken them up on their offer because goddamn non-profit industrial complex ARGH.
I WAS GONNA SAY.
(But I did get to watch a fair amount of these interviews from the other side of the counter. And a lot of these interviewers seemed shady as hell. ALSO DON’T CAMP OUT IN MY LOBBY FOR FIVE HOURS TAKING UP THE ONLY GODDAMN HANDICAP ACCESSIBLE TABLE AND GETTING FREE REFILLS. And don’t you DARE ask me to turn down the music.)
As a secretary to people who often do meetings/interviews at restaurants and cafes, I can say with some certainty that the interviewer offering the food isn’t the one paying for it, he/she’s just going to expense it back to the company. I can understand feeling weird taking food from that strange, suite-wearing person making you nervous but surely anyone can handle taking a bagel from a faceless company.
I have had one interview in a cafe thus far in my life. I ordered the medium chai tea, and I really enjoyed that job.
It’s true–GRAB THE BAGEL.
WHAT THEY HAVE JOB INTERVIEWS IN STARBUCKS THAT IS SOME SERIOUS BULLSHIT.
Seriously. I’ve been in the workforce for 20+ years and have never EVER been interviewed in a non-office setting. If they are interviewing you in a Starbucks, it is a freakin’ joke and you should order All the Food and Everything Venti.
ETA: If the are interviewing you in Starbucks for a job at that Starbucks, then that is acceptable.
Oh man, academic interviews and food. The best are when you sit down at the table, surrounded by current faculty with a plate of food. Then, they all ask questions at once. And your poor food just sits there looking at you.
I did not love that part of academic interviews. Or, really most of the parts.
Interviews in coffee shops are all the awkward. All. But silly fun to eavesdrop on. 😀
And yes, always take the food. Always. This advice applies to freelancing, also.
Interviews in coffee shops are all the awkward. All. But silly fun to eavesdrop on. 😀
And yes, always take the food. Always. This advice applies to freelancing, also.
Is this really, seriously A Thing now? Folks getting interviewed for office jobs in coffee shops? That just screams Bad Idea to me. Like what, they can’t interview you where you will be working? Are they afraid of reprisal from people who don’t get hired? Is the job location some kind of dark secret? I’ve read a few other snarky bits about people overhearing/witnessing job interviews in Starbucks and am frankly appalled that this is now A Thing. How gross!
Honestly, every interview I’ve every had has been at the office I’d be working for. I’m a bit baffled by this myself.
When I did my coffeeshop interview, it was to work for one side (read: political party) of a state redistricting committee after the last census, and the office they were working out of was covered with draft maps of potential ways to redistrict the state. Point being, sometimes they don’t want to bring you into their office until they are sure about you.
Once a professor said we should have lunch and I paid for myself (this was really my own fault because I got something quick and went to pay at the line while she was still waiting) but then she said that I was squandering my potential as a smart person and a woman if I didn't go into academia in the social sciences.
So. ……..
I was interviewed for my job in retail merchandising at a Panera Bread. All the work is done in the field, with the company’s nearest physical office over 200 miles away, so when the manager wanted to do some hiring in the area she set up shop for a few hours at a Panera. As I understand it, the restaurant management doesn’t mind.
At my local Starbucks I’ve overheard one actual job interview, for what sounded like a bookkeeping job, and a couple of pyramid-scheme pitches.
Peter
Love it. I’ve never been offered more than water or stale butterscotch sucking candies at an interview.
Love it. I've never been offered more than water or stale butterscotch sucking candies at an interview.
At my interviews for my present job (interviews w/ 2 people at satellite office where I’m working, interviews with 4 people at mothership), I accepted the offer of water twice. Not going to say that’s what got me the job, but I got the job. And, at every other interview I’ve ever had, I’d always waved off offers of water/coffee previously.