A true gentleman sets himself on fire immediately upon a lady entering the room.
A true gentleman never impregnates a kitchenmaid while there are fertile chambermaids in the house.
A true gentleman never speaks to wolves, only foxes and bears.
A real gentleman will always allow himself to be immured in his mother’s tomb as soon as she dies.
A real gentleman will lift a bus when anyone more feminine than himself wishes to cross the street.
A true gentleman will have active sexual intercourse with any member in good standing of a national fraternity who can sing every verse of their school’s fight song.
A real gentleman is never three small Dutch boys standing on each other’s shoulders wearing a trenchcoat.
A true gentleman is incapable of speaking of money; his flesh burns if anyone attempts to press change into his palm.
A real gentleman goes nowhere without the final gin-soaked breath of Robert Frost carefully hand-stitched onto his pocket square.
A true gentleman always carries a spare dog with him.
A true gentlemen remembers that discretion is the better part of genitals.
A true gentleman can neither breakfast nor make love without first crisply re-folding a newspaper.
A true gentleman never opens his mouth at the dentist’s, preferring instead to let the technician infer what may be wrong through the expressiveness of his eyes.
A true gentleman never participates in battle reenactments or purchases Winston Churchill biographies with fewer than three volumes.
A true gentleman knows how to behave when a woman is crying — drape her in cats and quietly exit backwards from the room.
A true gentleman never discusses his emotions while riding a pennyfarthing bicycle; he waits until his feet are on the ground.
A true gentleman never permits his beard to grow at inappropriate times, and makes violent love to his barber as a sign of respect at least once a financial quarter.
A true gentleman never uses the “invisible in multiplayer” cheat code in GoldenEye 007.
A true gentleman carries with him always the complete essays of John Locke and will spread them across a puddle rather than allow a lady to muddy her shoe, even if she insists that she can just “walk around it, it’s fine.”
A true gentleman will gestate the fetus for you, as pregnancy is undignified and no good woman should be subjected to its vulgarities.
A true gentlemen remembers that discretion is the better part of genitals.
I mean, that one is just true though. Also I want the cats one illustrated.
Done.
hahaha. those cats don’t look very soothing.
Well, I’m not good at drawing, is the issue. Alas, no true gentleman am I.
A true gentleman always complies with a lady’s requests for illustrations, regardless of his own abilities, and shoulders her ill-mannered criticism with becoming fortitude.
🙂
I pictured Homer Simpson backing away slowly. A model gentleman.
oh man look at all their tails
They’re all slightly hungry Maine coons.
With the exception of a period in high school, I have never experienced any sense of my gender as other than female. Until now.
(No, seriously. If I were significantly less lazy, I would attempt to work this into a drag act of some sort.)
Spare dog! Yes.
… but a true gentleman will also overlook that some of the verses appear to have been improvised.
Ah, the ‘cat’ stratagem. I shall retain it in my memory.
porn for women
by which I mean the one about setting himself on fire
I loved this entire list. I’m dying to add “a true gentleman…” of my own, but how can you match perfection? I mean, c’mon, Robert Frost is THE poet for true gentleman (although e.e.cummings could belong to the true gentleman’s cheeky and slightly dissipated younger brother).
a true gentlemen always asks MAY i feel, not can i
“A real gentleman is never three small Dutch boys standing on each other’s shoulders wearing a trenchcoat.”
Oh, c’mon. What if they’re boys of uncommonly good breeding and character, upright in speech and bearing, and full of manly firmness?
something something manly firmness IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN
Bergy! That is entirely ungentlemanly of you
however, it’s very ladylike
a gentleman is one person
If he’s one man comprised of three this has to be cross-linked as a Gabbin’ About God piece.
Sent this to a friend who had a boyfriend in college who had to memorize his frat’s “True Gentleman” code, which was substantially less misandry driven, and obviously produced much lower quality gentlemen.
Everyone wants a gentleman on the street but (age appropriate) three-small-Dutch-boys-standing-on-each-other’s shoulders-wearing-a-trenchcoat in the sheets.
Dutch boys are well known for their abilities to put their fingers in things.
Stop it I am giggling so hard my stomach hurts.
I was coming in here to ask how a man could even impregnate a Kitchenaid but then I re-read. The “m” makes all the difference there.
I read it that way too but I just accepted it and moved on, as creative use of the whisking attachment was normal
“A real gentleman is never three small Dutch boys standing on each other’s shoulders wearing a trenchcoat.”
I was once two medium-sized Swedish boys, and a small dog. Am I still okay?
Well, you’ve got the “spare dog” thing covered, anyway…
You jest, but there are actually guys like this:
“I was brought up to be very respectful towards women. Holding doors, standing when a lady enters the room, abstinence until after marriage to name a few. I had a girlfriend for about a year and I hadn’t kissed her and she broke up with me because she didn’t feel “close”. Am I wrong about my respect? Should I be breaking my oaths and giving in to temptation just to keep my relationships going? In any case it feels like chivalry is dead and I’m the only one left to bury it.” Sorryabouttheredditlinkbut http://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/comments/1tld40/…
And this:
“I know from reading your column that a gentleman wouldn’t try to pick up a stranger in public, nor would a lady respond to such an overture.
However, in such a situation, isn’t it permissible for a lady to “accidentally” drop her handkerchief in the gentleman’s direction, he picks it up and offers it back, thus giving these two strangers a legitimate reason to engage in conversation?” http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/mis…
AAAAH, no, leave me my illusions. (Although if they set themselves on fire whenever a woman enters the room I guess the rest is cool.)
I now have a fetish for men crisply folding newspapers. Thanks a lot, Mallory.
If he's one man comprised of three this has to be cross-linked as a Gabbin' About God piece.
A gentleman is so 1999, so hard for a girl to find.
“A true gentleman can neither breakfast nor make love without first crisply re-folding a newspaper.”
Alas, the advent of online papers drastically reduced both the brunching and the making of love in my house, until my gentlemanly husband garnered a couple of those prop newspapers they use on stage sets.
(I am allergic to newsprint. This, too, drastically reduced the making of love in my house. It is tragic, the number of whimsical things that drastically reduce the making of love in my house, but with adversity comes the opportunity to rise above with perseverance and creative determination, so, it’s a wash.)
I want to carefully hand-stitch the last gin-soaked breath of Robert Frost into the inside of my laciest bra, that it may be ever close to my heart, along with a lock of Edgar Allen Poe’s greasy Snape-hair. Yesssssss.