Mark and Derek’s Time Traveling Rules -The Toast

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1. Don’t kill Hitler

2. Don’t kill Mark

3. Kill Mark

4. Fuck you Derek

5. Derek doesn’t exist

6. Don’t go back in time and stop Derek’s parents from meeting each other

7. Don’t go back in time and have sex with Derek’s mom so it turns out you’re his actual dad

8. Nobody tell Derek who his real father is

9. Don’t go back in time just to draw a dick on Mark’s face as a baby; that’s messed up and you really freaked out his parents

10. Who’s Hitler?

11. Everybody stop killing Mark

12. We can’t all go back in time and invent the skateboard, you have to invent something else

13. Yes we can, Mark


15. Don’t do what, Trevor


17. Everybody meet up at Trevor’s thirteenth birthday party

18. No going back in time and warning Trevor not to have a thirteenth birthday party

19. Stop going back in time and changing the alphabet so that “D-I-C-K” spells “Mark”

20. Stop going back in time and renaming Winston Churchill “MARK SUCKS”

21. Hey Derek I just went to the future and killed you

22. Fuck you no you didn’t

23. Don’t talk that way to your father, Derek

24. Shut up you’re not my dad

25. For someone who’s not your dad I sure did have sex with your mom then

26. Fuck off

27. Did I do it tomorrow or did I do it in twenty years?

28. Fuck off Mark I’m serious don’t fuck around I’ll just reboot into the past so I never live when you kill me

29. If you’d done that I wouldn’t have been able to kill you

30. Fine I’ll go back in time and find the secret to respawning so you only think you killed me and then I’ll go even further in time and I’ll kill you

31. lol respawning this isn’t a video game Derek

32. There is no Derek there is only Qalth

33. The fuck is Qalth, Qalth’s not in this club

34. There is no club there is only Qalth

35. Stop dicking around Derek, be serious

36. Derek I didn’t really kill you in the future

37. Okay I did but I’ll go undo it right now

38. There is no future there is only Qalth

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