To learn about the wily bisexual, you may read this instead.

Much has been made in recent years of Lesbian Taxonomy—personality quizzes abound, and the lexicon swells with Sapphic terminology. But despite strides in genetic sequencing, no study has yet attempted to sort the Lesbian into her proper genetic tree. This is not surprising as, like the platypus, Lesbians were long thought to be a hoax, a fever dreamt up by ladies who spent too much time in the gymnasium, or playing brass instruments. The time has finally come for us to ask ourselves the hard questions: Yes there are Stone Butches and Bull Dykes, but where do they fit on the tree of life? Who were the first Lesbians, and where did they come from?

There is, of course, the oft-believed misconception that Lesbians are of the planet Earth at all. Such woeful error was exacerbated by the film Hedwig and the Angry Inch, which confused Lesbians everywhere with the line, “And similar in shape and girth/Was the children of the Earth/They looked like two girls rolled up in one.” I hope to address this and many more misconceptions in this study, which embarks upon both morphological and genetic analysis to construct, for the first time, the Lesbian cladogram—a tree-like diagram grouping Lesbian species based on their shared characteristics. 

To perform my analysis, I examined the physical form and mitochondrial DNA of 115 Lesbians. It is true that, because mitochondrial DNA is passed down matrilineally, it is the same as nuclear DNA in Lesbians. But I chose it because of symbolism. 

Here’s how to read this tree: descendent species or groups lie at the tips of the tree, and their most recent common ancestor is represented by a node (the point where the line splits into the descendent groups). Sister groups are descendents that came from the same branching point, and are each other’s closest relatives. Can you rotate two groups without breaking any of the other branches? If so, those rotated groups are sister groups. Traits are marked on the tree; all species above one of these marks possesses this trait. For example, Bull Dykes and mermaids both share Lesbianism, but tides do not; Gold Stars and Lone Stars are the only Lesbians Who Can Withstand the Vacuum of Space.

Let’s walk through the tree, starting at the bottom. The first thing you will notice is that, contrary to Hedwig and the Angry Inch, Lesbians are in fact from the moon. This should come as no surprise – witchery, long a favored Lesbian profession, is well known for coordinating her spells with the moon’s phases. While it was commonly thought that lunar craters are caused by meteoric impacts, it is now known that craters are in fact the launching points for Lunar Spores. In the harsh early stages of Earth’s life, many of these spores landed on the planet’s surface, where some of them became the tides—the others, the first Lesbians. 

And what of those spores that did not reach Earth? Floating around in space, they eventually coalesced into stars. Among these Lesbians Who Withstand the Vacuum of Space are the Lone Stars, Lesbians who initially form binary star systems with other Lesbians, but whose gravitational hold loosens over time, leaving them stranded. Lone Stars do occasionally stay friends with their former companions, but the expansion of the universe makes this feat difficult. 

Back on Earth, Lesbians quickly colonized the terrestrial surface, and soon branched out to every available niche on the planet. An especially interesting Earth-bound Lesbian variety is the mermaid—much as the earliest whales were terrestrial animals that reentered the sea, so too have mermaids given up their terrestrial lifestyle and become fully marine Lesbians. (The difference being that Lesbians were not reentering the sea, but entering it for the first time.) Though it has long been thought that the sailors of yore mistook manatees for mermaids (and drowned trying to pursue them), the truth is that the sailors of yore did not know how to swim, and that the mermaids, being Lesbians, did not want to sleep with them, letting them drown out of amusement. With recent increases in sea levels, which are not a product of anthropogenic pollution but of the evolutionary might of the tides, it is likely that mermaids will outlast us all. 

Unrestricted to the sea and the planet’s surface, Lesbians have also made themselves at home deep in the foundations of the planet—see the Earthen Lesbians. Diesel Dykes burrow for millions of years, emerging, like so many Sapphic cicadas, for rigorous mating, then death. Diesel Dykes have long been unfairly exploited in the automobile industry, and while some species of Lesbian choose to reclaim the use of the motorcycle, others opt for bipedal walking and hybrid vehicles.

Perhaps one of the most intriguing taxon are the Lesbians with Adorned Lips. Of particular interest are the Chapstick Lesbians, who appear to absorb oxygen through their lips. They are often seen rubbing their lips with moisturizing substances in order to maximize their oxygen-capturing ability.

Up until now, all Lesbians reviewed in this study have been six-legged, possessing an “extra” pair or two of legs. Though they are difficult to see to the untrained eye, these tiny legs are used by the Lesbian to steady her partner while mating. But now we venture into the Quadruped Lesbians. Representing Lesbians Who Molt (Ecdysis Dykes) are the Pillow Queens and Powersuits. Named for their pillow-shaped mound nests, Pillow Queens are ground-nesting Lesbians who arrange their molts around them in Lesbian-shaped patterns to give the appearance of being a much larger Lesbian—a very effective predator deterrent. Being ground-nesting species, they are often seen associating with Stone Butches. Powersuit Lesbians take a quite a different tack to predator avoidance—when threatened, they quickly shed their skins, revealing intensely shiny flesh underneath. While her attacker is confused by her shed skin and brilliant flesh, the Powersuit uses her dermis to strangle her predator. She must then wait eight to ten hours to regrow her skin, during which she drinks a lot of coffee.

Last of all, the Hoofed/Ruminant Lesbians, so named because they spend their hours thinking intently, and chewing and regurgitating grasses. Okapi Dykes, in dazzling feats of sexual selection, attract mates by somehow managing to pair patterned clothing that would not work on any other Lesbian. Bull Dykes and Deer Dykes, both sporting bony protrusions from their heads, are often mistaken for each other, though only Deer Dykes drop their antlers in the winter (Bull Dykes have horns, and keep them year-round). It is rumored that with every Pride she attends, a Deer Dyke gains a new prong, but this observation has yet to be tested.

It is my sincere hope that, as molecular techniques improve, science will be able to further to elucidate the Lesbian family tree. There are so many more Lesbian species that are absent from this chart, all of which will surely help understand their unique evolution. Until then, I will have to keep sampling.