The Citizens of Gotham Are Not Terribly Bright -The Toast

Jesse Berney’s previous work for The Toast can be found here.

Gotham Citizen #1: Did you see the news about that guy who dresses like a bat, wears sophisticated body armor, drives a military-grade vehicle, and beats up criminals?

Gotham Citizen #2: I did! Did you see that magazine profile of Bruce Wayne?

Gotham Citizen #1: You mean the young billionaire defense contractor who mysteriously disappeared for several years with no explanation?

Gotham Citizen #2: Yes, the one who returned to Gotham not long before this so-called Batman appeared.

Gotham Citizen #1: I did see that! So who do you think this “Batman” is?

Gotham Citizen #2: I wish I knew.

Gotham Citizen #1: Whoa, did you read the gossip column this morning?

Gotham Citizen #2: No, what happened?

Gotham Citizen #1: Apparently Bruce Wayne’s house was burned down by ninja criminals.

Gotham Citizen #2: How odd! The same ninja criminals who tried to destroy Gotham? The ones Batman thwarted?

Gotham Citizen #1: Yep! Who is Batman, by the way?

Gotham Citizen #2: No idea.

Gotham Citizen #1: My goodness.

Gotham Citizen #2: What is it?

Gotham Citizen #1: Says here that Batman went all the way to Hong Kong to capture this guy who was banking for the mob.

Gotham Citizen #2: Wow. That must have cost taxpayers a pretty penny.

Gotham Citizen #1: I don’t think it works that way. I think he pays for everything himself.

Gotham Citizen #2: Who could afford all that?

Gotham Citizen #1: I know, right? Speaking of rich folks, guess who just went on a yachting trip off the coast of Asia?

Gotham Citizen #2: Billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne? I bet that guy could fly off to Hong Kong whenever he wanted.

Gotham Citizen #1: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Gotham Citizen #2: Chinese for lunch?

Gotham Citizen #1: Totally.

Gotham Citizen #1: Ha!

Gotham Citizen #2: What?

Gotham Citizen #1: Bruce Wayne smashed his Lamborghini.

Gotham Citizen #2: Oh man! Is he OK?

Gotham Citizen #1: Yeah, he’s fine.

Gotham Citizen #2: What happened?

Gotham Citizen #1: He ran a light. His car was totaled by a truck trying to run into the police car carrying that guy who was going to reveal Batman’s name.

Gotham Citizen #2: How lucky for that guy who knew Batman’s name that Bruce Wayne happened to be driving irresponsibly through that intersection.

Gotham Citizen #1: It gets weirder. The guy who knew Batman’s name used to be a lawyer who worked for Bruce Wayne.

Gotham Citizen #2: That’s crazy! How do you think he found out who Batman was?

Gotham Citizen #1: I guess we’ll never know.

Gotham Citizen #1: I was just reading in the paper that billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne has been holed up in his mansion not talking to anyone for eight years.

Gotham Citizen #2: Wow, eight years? That reminds me of a story I saw on the news last week that Batman hasn’t been seen since for eight years.

Gotham Citizen #1: What a strange coincidence.

Gotham Citizen #2: So who do you think Batman is?

Gotham Citizen #2: Heck if I know.

Gotham Citizen #1: Really sick of this curfew.

Gotham Citizen #2: I know. Why doesn’t Batman do something about this Bane guy?

Gotham Citizen #1: Who knows? He hasn’t been around for a while.

Gotham Citizen #2: Just like now-former billionaire Bruce Wayne, who was targeted by these criminals as well.

Gotham Citizen #1: What a shame.

Gotham Citizen #2: Maybe Batman is busy helping Bruce Wayne get his money back?

Gotham Citizen #1: Yes, that would explain everything.

Gotham Citizen #1: It’s so sad that Bruce Wayne died, isn’t it?