He’s so funny! Who is he swinging his arms wildly at? Is he screaming silently, or trying desperately to breathe because something is choking him? No one knows, because by the time he joins the office meeting at noon, he’s in no shape to talk about it. (He’s usually very badly beaten!)
The Woman Who Lives Under The Glass In The Copy Machine
Every office has one of these — a woman whose head is only visible when you lift the cover off the copy machine in the morning and see her staring up at you from underneath the glass. How does she fit in there? What is she mouthing silently at you? Nobody knows, but it’s better not to be alone with her for too long.
The Assistant Who Is Slowly And Painfully Turning Into A Giant Bird
You still have one human hand! You can still answer my emails!
That Guy In Marketing Who Disappeared One Day And Came Back…Changed
I don’t want to talk about him. I don’t…I just don’t want to talk about him. Okay?
A Fox That Knows Your Name
Never mind what a fox is doing in the hallways of a mid-level consulting firm — why is the only word in the entire English language it can speak your name? Also, where does it go at night?
Your Boss, Whose Mouth Is Constantly Filling Up With Blood No Matter What She Does
I don’t like working here.
I wish I could leave.
I wish any of us could leave.
I wish that tomorrow would be different.
Your Own Twin, Who Never Speaks, And Who Only Appears In That One Hallway, And Who Has Death In Its Eyes
The real problem is what are you going to do the day your twin doesn’t appear? You’re safe, as long as you see him, but once he disappears, that’s when the trouble starts.
The Flayed Operations Manager
Where is his skin??? What is his jangling ring of keys attached to if he doesn’t have a belt?
Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.