We Regret To Announce That Your Request Of “Gotta Hear Both Sides” Has Been Denied -The Toast

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justicePreviously: Your request to play devil’s advocate has been denied.

Dear Applicant,

Thank you for your recent inquiry about hearing both sides. According to our records, this marks the fourth submission in as many days as to whether or not we have heard both sides. We regret to inform you that we have not.

On March the 2nd, you interrupted a conversation by asking “In fairness, have you heard both sides?”

On April the 13th, you spoke over a work acquaintance, reminding her that “We can’t actually form an opinion about this until we’ve heard both sides.”

While in an ideal world perhaps we would listen to all sides, the volume of requests we receive on a daily basis makes this impossible. We have decided to move ahead with our lives without hearing from your side. It is with very sincere regret that we must inform you we will not be listening to both sides, and have no plans to listen to both sides in the future. Just the one side will have to do.

You may find it a comfort to know that we are very familiar with the side in question. We remain entirely confident in this side’s ability to make itself heard, and wish nothing but the best for your side’s listeners in the future.

What will happen once we’ve decided not to hear both sides? We do not know. We are sailing into uncharted waters. Perhaps we will never return. There may be many sides — dodecahedrons, even — we will neglect to hear. This is a burden we are prepared to take on.

We wish you and your side all of the best and now consider the matter closed,

The Management

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