Families Who Hate Each Other In Western Art History -The Toast

This post has been brought to you by A Beautiful Treasure.

Mummy can’t listen to you just now, my darlings
Mummy is being consumed by regrets

shouldn’t we all be smiling, Mother?
for the portrait?
thats a good idea
why dont you tell me what i have to fucking smile about
and i’ll try to work up the muscles to do it

just a little further back, sweethearts
i think we can still see your heads peeking over the chaise longue

i just don’t see why everyone has to help push you
surely it would be easier if just one of us pushed you at a time
no
i need everyone in this family
to pull their goddamn weight, old man
so you need to tell your wife to get up
and you two need to join the rest of the team
i want to do that thing where you swing up almost over the top but then you come back down at the last second

oh for christ’s sake, Daniel
put the bird down
we’ve managed to sit through fourteen family portraits without any bird corpses in them and I don’t think there’s any reason to start now

don’t say it
all I said w–
I SAID
DON’T SAY IT

your arm
what?
it’s squeezing me too tight
sorry?
you’re hurting me
oh am i?
awfully sorry
you’re still doing it
quiet, darling
don’t talk or you’ll ruin the painting

no by all means
keep eye-fucking the help
while Anna and I play whist by ourselves
what?
Jesus
keep it in your pantalets, Sylvia
I wasn’t–
just play your hand
portraitists aren’t the help
what?
i mean i wasn’t eye-fucking him to begin with
but even if i was
he isn’t the help
portraitists aren’t the help
well they’re not the Earl of Derbyshire either
think peerage, not steerage before you whip it out

oh jim
im so glad youre coming home at last
in this condition
itll be so nice to have someone else i have to take care of

you know
it’s so nice to have everyone together for this
all my disappointments gathered into one room

this is ridiculous
he’s nine years old
blister or no blister he can walk just as well as we can
you’re so hard on him
you’re always so hard on him
you carry him then
coddle him yourself for a change

what in christ’s heaven is that
is what?
that…whatever manner of cord you have wrapped around Jimeson’s neck
well, you can’t expect me to touch it with my bare hands, Markothy
I eat with those hands