Families Who Hate Each Other In Western Art History -The Toast

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Mrs Cyprian Williams and her Two Little Girls 1891 by Philip Wilson Steer 1860-1942

Mummy can’t listen to you just now, my darlings
Mummy is being consumed by regrets

Essie, Ruby and Ferdinand, Children of Asher Wertheimer 1902 by John Singer Sargent 1856-1925

shouldn’t we all be smiling, Mother?
for the portrait?
thats a good idea
why dont you tell me what i have to fucking smile about
and i’ll try to work up the muscles to do it

Mrs Carl Meyer and her Children 1896 by John Singer Sargent 1856-1925

just a little further back, sweethearts
i think we can still see your heads peeking over the chaise longue


i just don’t see why everyone has to help push you
surely it would be easier if just one of us pushed you at a time
i need everyone in this family
to pull their goddamn weight, old man
so you need to tell your wife to get up
and you two need to join the rest of the team
i want to do that thing where you swing up almost over the top but then you come back down at the last second


oh for christ’s sake, Daniel
put the bird down
we’ve managed to sit through fourteen family portraits without any bird corpses in them and I don’t think there’s any reason to start now

The Last of England 1864-6 by Ford Madox Brown 1821-1893

don’t say it
all I said w–

Ena and Betty, Daughters of Asher and Mrs Wertheimer 1901 by John Singer Sargent 1856-1925

your arm
it’s squeezing me too tight
you’re hurting me
oh am i?
awfully sorry

you’re still doing it
quiet, darling
don’t talk or you’ll ruin the painting

Hearts are Trumps 1872 by Sir John Everett Millais, Bt 1829-1896

no by all means
keep eye-fucking the help
while Anna and I play whist by ourselves

keep it in your pantalets, Sylvia

I wasn’t–
just play your hand
portraitists aren’t the help
i mean i wasn’t eye-fucking him to begin with
but even if i was
he isn’t the help
portraitists aren’t the help
well they’re not the Earl of Derbyshire either
think peerage, not steerage before you whip it out

The Order of Release 1746 1852-3 by Sir John Everett Millais, Bt 1829-1896

oh jim
im so glad youre coming home at last
in this condition
itll be so nice to have someone else i have to take care of


you know
it’s so nice to have everyone together for this
all my disappointments gathered into one room

The Child Jesus Going Down with His Parents to Nazareth 1856 by William Charles Thomas Dobson 1817-1898

this is ridiculous
he’s nine years old
blister or no blister he can walk just as well as we can

you’re so hard on him
you’re always so hard on him
you carry him then
coddle him yourself for a change


what in christ’s heaven is that
is what?
that…whatever manner of cord you have wrapped around Jimeson’s neck
well, you can’t expect me to touch it with my bare hands, Markothy 
I eat with those hands 


oh i guess
i guess you’re just the one who pours the tea now
i guess we must have all decided on that at some point


oh, id LIKE to give you this apple
but you wouldnt be able to appreciate it on as many levels as i do

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