Women Listening To Men Play Music At Them In Western Art History -The Toast

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John, you’ll conduct
Percy, you’ll be on violin
what’s my instrument, Papa?
your instrument is listening, Mary
the greatest instrument of all


you don’t have to point that so close to me
well you keep backing away, silly 
how are you supposed to really hear it if you keep backing away into corners
i manage


keep playing, i’m still looking
dont you mean listening


i don’t think you really need me for this
of course we need you 
you’re the page turner 
but there’s only one page of music
yes but soon we’ll be able to play more than one sheet 
we’ll need you to be ready then
also you’re not looking at the page
i really need you to be looking at the page right now


his harp’s not so great


maybe if enough of us crowd onto the piano 
it will collapse
and i’ll get to go home


oh that’s 
this is good, that’s good 
i was just thinking that this rare moment of quiet solitude with a book could really use a fuck ton of lutes to improve it


and Lord
if you can see your way towards denting or in some way rendering this clarinet unplayable 
at least until we reach Seville 
I promise I will make a pilgrimage on my knees to Rome Herself


Mummy there’s men at the door that want to play music at us
you might as well let them in, darling
it’s time you learned that when men want to play music at you
there’s simply no stopping them
and the sooner you get it over with the sooner they leave 


bring that bow an inch closer to that vile scratchbox and I’ll see to it that hat of yours goes so far inside you they’ll be picking feathers out of your grave


Maria we can’t read the music when you hold it up like that
what a shame
this is actually the only way I can hold music, so 


oh wow
a shepherd with a lute
a shepherd who wants to play us his music on a lute what a fucking surprise to me
please let me guess
is it a song about your reluctant mistress?
because i swear to fucking God in Shit Heaven I haven’t heard a shepherd sing about his reluctant mistress in at least six Christing hours


i could bash him in the back of the head before he even noticed i was moving
i could say a peddler did it 
we could bury him with his harp 
“He loved that harp,” i’d say at the service 
“it’s only right that we bury him with it”
“damn that peddler”


this book doesn’t even have any words in it
i just want him to think i’m busy


let me play you another one in the Apollonian style and you tell me if you can hear the difference
i’d love to
but just
i need you to keep holding me

that’s so sweet
yes i just can’t get enough of this holding
i’d love to listen to another version of your mountain hymnal but i’m just too in love with you to let go of this arm

well i can play it one-handed
that’s the Corinthian fashion
no i’m going to need you to hold me with all of your hands 


if i am very very lucky
the chandelier will break and kill everyone
and then i can go home


you just keep that little guitar strapped to the back of you 
and keep your hands where i can see them, friend 
no one’s playing their guitar at me tonight 
just keep walking, pal


i could almost reach the gun from here


the deer was lucky
the deer was dead

[Images via Wikimedia Commons]

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