Women Listening To Men Play Music At Them In Western Art History -The Toast

John, you’ll conduct
Percy, you’ll be on violin
what’s my instrument, Papa?
your instrument is listening, Mary
the greatest instrument of all

you don’t have to point that so close to me
well you keep backing away, silly
how are you supposed to really hear it if you keep backing away into corners
oh
i manage

keep playing, i’m still looking
dont you mean listening
sure

i don’t think you really need me for this
of course we need you
you’re the page turner
but there’s only one page of music
yes but soon we’ll be able to play more than one sheet
we’ll need you to be ready then
also you’re not looking at the page
i really need you to be looking at the page right now

his harp’s not so great

maybe if enough of us crowd onto the piano
it will collapse
and i’ll get to go home

oh
oh that’s
this is good, that’s good
i was just thinking that this rare moment of quiet solitude with a book could really use a fuck ton of lutes to improve it

and Lord
if you can see your way towards denting or in some way rendering this clarinet unplayable
at least until we reach Seville
I promise I will make a pilgrimage on my knees to Rome Herself

Mummy
Mummy there’s men at the door that want to play music at us
you might as well let them in, darling
it’s time you learned that when men want to play music at you
there’s simply no stopping them
and the sooner you get it over with the sooner they leave

bring that bow an inch closer to that vile scratchbox and I’ll see to it that hat of yours goes so far inside you they’ll be picking feathers out of your grave

Maria
Maria we can’t read the music when you hold it up like that
oh
what a shame
this is actually the only way I can hold music, so

oh wow
a shepherd with a lute
a shepherd who wants to play us his music on a lute what a fucking surprise to me
please let me guess
is it a song about your reluctant mistress?
because i swear to fucking God in Shit Heaven I haven’t heard a shepherd sing about his reluctant mistress in at least six Christing hours

i could bash him in the back of the head before he even noticed i was moving
i could say a peddler did it
we could bury him with his harp
“He loved that harp,” i’d say at the service
“it’s only right that we bury him with it”
“damn that peddler”

this book doesn’t even have any words in it
i just want him to think i’m busy

let me play you another one in the Apollonian style and you tell me if you can hear the difference
oh
i’d love to
but just
i need you to keep holding me
that’s so sweet
yes i just can’t get enough of this holding
i’d love to listen to another version of your mountain hymnal but i’m just too in love with you to let go of this arm
well i can play it one-handed
that’s the Corinthian fashion
no i’m going to need you to hold me with all of your hands

maybe
if i am very very lucky
the chandelier will break and kill everyone
and then i can go home

you just keep that little guitar strapped to the back of you
and keep your hands where i can see them, friend
no one’s playing their guitar at me tonight
just keep walking, pal