Previously in this series: An Album from The Hold Steady Where No One Gets Wasted or Shows Questionable Judgement.
“I Slept Fine Last Night Because I Know My Wife is Faithful”
“Riding Trains is Preferable to Robbing Them”
“A Ballad I Wrote Myself and Which Was Definitely Not Given to Me by an Inmate”
“My Moral Compass is Stronger than My Fear of Losing You”
“Our Relationship is Based on More than Fleeting Passion”
“Tommy Can’t Wait (to Rehabilitate)”
“No One Will Be Executed Today”
“The Level-Headed Preacher”
“Racing for the Border to Rose’s Timeshare in Cabo”
“Your Wife and Son Will Meet You at the Hospital Where You’ll Get Adequate Medical Care”
“Folsom Prison Law Library (Pt. 4)”
“Give My Love to the New Warden, She Seems Nice”
“The Evidence was Fairly Considered by a Jury of My Peers”
“Everyone Employed by this Railroad Company is Emotionally Well-Adjusted”
“Happy Birthday to You, Even though You’re Not Dying Today”
“I Spent the Night in the Arms of My Best Friend’s Wife but It’s OK Because We’re in a Poly Triad”
“We Chose Not to Marry Because We Recognized Our Incompatibilities”
“The Unemployed Executioner (Our State Banned Capital Punishment)”
“The Well-Fed Dog Who Sleeps in Bed with Me”
“No Women Were Harassed at This Bar Tonight”
“Unloaded and Locked: The Safe Way to Own Guns”
“Train’s A’Comin’ Down the Tracks As Part of a High-Speed Rail Program Funded by Our Forward-Thinking Leaders”
“Good News from the Governor”
“No More Whiskey for Me, Thank You”
Tags: johnny cash, michael whitney, music
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“A Boy Named Sue: Not a Big Deal in Our Modern Society that Rejects the Gender Binary”
My world changed when I found out that Shel Silverstein wrote that song.
WHAT
Dude was a total creep. Don’t look anything more up if you want to enjoy him, like, ever.
Can you tell us more? Google is being unhelpful
You’ve probably heard of “The Giving Tree.” That’s kind of a creepy ideal of love. Silverstein also wrote “Sylvia’s Mother,” which is catchy but stalkery.
And then he wrote a creepy sequel. Don’t look it up; it will ruin Shel Silverstain for you.
“A boy Named something he is not tormented about.”
“Going To Be With Jesus…After a Long Prosperous Life of Rewarding Work and Good Health”
“This Old Farm Has Excellent Irrigation”
“Long Distance Call From the State Penitentiary…Where I Volunteer With a Prisoner Education Program”
“One of the Three Happy Songs Written by the Carter Family”
“I Receive Appropriate Care for my PTSD, and My Wife and Family Understand and Support Me”
“Goin’ To Portland”
Does ‘Single Girl, Married Girl’ count as one of the three happy songs?
-ish?
I would totally buy an MP3 of “This Old Farm Has Excellent Irrigation.”
“She Hosted A Great Halloween Party In A Long Black Veil”
“I’ve Been Nowhere Because I’ve Been Here In This One Place For My Entire Life Being Faithful”
“No Women Were Harassed at This Bar Tonight”
Also commonplace in 2050.
“I Did Not Hurt Myself Today, Or Any Day”
“I’m a Wanted Man (as an Organizer for our PTA Brunch)”
“No Women Were Harassed at This Bar Tonight”=My favorite song that doesn’t exist.
I hugged a man in Reno just to watch him cry tears of joy. Poor guy’s had a rough week, he really needed that hug.
“I Walk The Line Because It was Helpfully Placed to Make Sure I Knew Where to Go”
Cocaine Blues: The Unusual Name of the Paint We Chose for the Foyer
A Boy Named Sue Who is Destined for Law School
Then I rode back to find Isis just to tell her I love her, because it’s important to let your loved ones know you love them.
The Man in Black (Is Not Required to Justify His Sartorial Choices)
Hey Porter, You Provide a Valuable Service and I’ll Not Harass You
Jackson (Where We Took a Lovely Trip to Celebrate the Solidity of Our Marriage)
Request: Songs From a Tom Waits Album Where No One is Grotesquely Deformed and the Only Things They Live In Are Houses.
“Christmas Card from Your Ex In Minneapolis Who You Are Still Friends With and Works at a Non-Profit”
yes PLEASE
“What’s He Building In There? A Nice Shelf For His Wife’s Books”
“Jockey Full Of A Nutritious Breakfast”
“I Hope That I Don’t Fall In Love With You, But Obviously I Won’t Because We Literally Just Exchanged Glances In A Bar”
“Arboretum Polka”
“The Patrons At This Bar Seem Well-Adjusted”
“I Chased My Dreams to Hollywood and It Turns Out I’m Really Thriving Here”
“My Debilitating Illness Is In No Way A Reflection of My Psychological State And Anyway I’ve Learned to Live With It”
“A Handsomely Landscaped And Well-Maintained Graveyard”
“Filipino Box Spring Factory Owner Provides Good Wages & Benefits”
“Warm Beer, But Everything Else At This Picnic is Great”
“Have Some Scotch, It’s A Really Nice 12-Year I Picked Up On Vacation With My Family”
“I’m Sure My Missing Child Is Just Out With Her Friends and Forgot to Text”
“Mild, Treatable Cardiac Arrhythmia and Vine”
“(Nothing Really Bad Happens At) 9th & Hennepin”
“SoulCycle Till They’re Sore”
“(Who Are the People) In The Neighborhood?”
“That House Is Always Well-Maintained and The Dog In The Yard Seems Happy”
These are totally making my day 😀
Also:
“A Carny With No Sinister Motives”
“Things Will Genuinely Be Better In Chicago, Because I Am Moving There For Work And A Bunch of My Friends Already Live There”
“Instagram Pics From My Vacation In Istanbul”
Y’all are the best. For the road:
“Money Was Tight That Year, But We Got By On Our Savings And Certainly Never Considered Gambling Or Prostitution As Sources of Income”
“A Hobo With No Dark Secrets”
“A Licensed, Unionized Sex Worker And Her Respectful Clients”
“Nobody Lives In That Junkyard (And No One Has Died There Either)”
“Last Night I Stayed At Jimmy’s Bar…Because They Were Doing An Event With Food and Bourbon Pairings, And Everybody Had A Really Good Time”
“Lincoln Avenue Is A Perfectly Wholesome Place To Visit”
“The One-Legged Hooker Has A Very Exclusive Client List, But She Does Not Let Her Injury Or Her Profession Define Who She Is”
The Piano is in AA
I flew a kite in the air and it made me think of a happy memory from when you and I were kids.
I Have Made My Peace With the Concept of Religion And Am Willing To Accept That It Has A Legitimate Place in Modern Society
You Seem Like a Well Adjusted Young Man With No Major Hangups and Without a Significant Chip On Your Shoulder
My Farm Provides A Liveable Income With Which I Can Comfortably Support My Family
I Wanted To Kill A Man But Recognized It As A Fleeting Impulse And Ate Oreos Instead
Story of my life
The Piano is in AA
Can you tell us more? Google is being unhelpful
Oh the Men’s Auxiliary….. is a good auxiliary
Another one: Nick Cave Songs That Are Not About Dead Women
I Use This Hammer to Build My New Bride a Gazebo And For No Other Purpose
The River is Green and Contains No Bodies
Has Anyone Seen My Other Red Mitten?
Delia’s Gone (Back To Finish Her Degree and I Wish Her Well)
I Got It One Piece At A Time (And That’s How I Ended Up With Such a Unique Living Room, by Being Patient and Scavenging Craigslist and Ikea)
Delia's Gone (Back To Finish Her Degree and I Wish Her Well)
I Got It One Piece At A Time (And That's How I Ended Up With Such a Unique Living Room, by Being Patient and Scavenging Craigslist and Ikea)