- Last night I saw someone eating an apple that was just too big. It was the size of a softball. She could barely take bites out of it. Apples have no business being that big. Was this apple an enchanted grapefruit? I hated it so much.
- I’m hungry, but I’m also sitting down?
- My counter has crumbs on it and the sunlight coming through the window is highlighting the crumbs
- I have a cup of tea, and there is a finite number of sips I will take before I finish the cup, and then I will have to wash it, and then I will fill it up again with tea later, and I will do this a finite number of times, and then someday I will die and I will never do anything again
- Other people exist
- Sometimes people can text me
- I have permanent retainers and they’ll always be there on the inside of my teeth
- There is a grain of sand or dirt or something on the inside of my house slipper but whenever I take it off to feel around for it I can’t find it; it is detectable only by the human foot and not the human hand
- Netflix
- The underside of my fingernails feel dirty but because I have nail polish on I cannot confirm this
- I don’t have everything
- The wind can move anything without permission and that seems selfish
- My first knuckle folds almost backwards whenever I click on my mousepad and that’s terrible to look at
- Someday I’ll have to get on a plane again
- I feel like there aren’t any new sounds I’m ever going to get to hear
- Things are bad in a way I can’t articulate
- I have different things than I used to have but I’m still the same person
- I can feel what that stupid giant apple must be like in my mouth right now
Tags: aging, i hate you too, there is no category for this
Other people exist
Nnnngghhhhhhh I knowwwwwwwww
As I just said on twitter, frustrated beyond belief about work, “how can there be this volume of collected stupid?”
Know that feeling. Wore a t-shirt today with a silly acronym version of STUPID on it, hoping it would insulate me from the stupid – but it is failing to repel and instead attracting it. The polarity is all wrong. It is terrible. I may burn this shirt when I get home.
I wonder if there *is* something one could wear as a protective talisman.
I used to fly (home from college on break, frequently) wearing an evening gown and a headband with propellers, and carrying a rubber chicken. No one ever spoke to me, not ever. It was glorious.
<3 <3 <3 <3 this is amazing
Whhhhaaaaaaatttt that is the best.
The more people I meet, the more I realize I hate people.
“I feel like there aren’t any new sounds I’m ever going to get to hear”
I can only accept this statement as a writing prompt for an alien-invasion story.
Or that there are infinite potential sounds but my ears are limited to boring office sounds and things within a certain frequency range. I want more of the sounds that might be out there, dammit.
Also, COLORS. You know how apparently there are colors within the spectrum of light that we can’t see? HOW? I want to see them and it makes me so angry that I CAN’T.
Sounds like you need some cuttlefish eyes:
it looks so adorably smug
Apparently cuttlefish eyes can double as a jaunty mustache!
You need the eyes of a mantis shrimp. http://theoatmeal.com/comics/mantis_shrimp
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_unexplained_…
Wind is selfish and so is fire. How selfish is fire? The most. Just eats and eats and takes and burns, using my oxygen to exist. Maybe I’m just jealous.
Though one can argue that without fire, boreal forests wouldn’t be able to regenerate 😉
Sure. Nature is nature. But I’m a human, and I won’t be around for when those new forests grow up.
“Why doesn’t nature think about meee?”
This is something I love about nature. Nature doesn’t give a shit about me, and never will. But still.
My first knuckle folds almost backwards whenever I click on my mousepad and that’s terrible to look at
ALL of my fingers do this. Also, my second knuckles can all fold the opposite way that they should, and that caused issues when I tried to learn piano in college and my piano teacher gave me special exercises because my pinky couldn’t exert pressure on the keys without folding weird and she had a really horrified look on her face when I showed her.
But you totally won all the arm-wrestling competitions from bullies when you were a kid, right???
My fingers also bend backwards extremely easily and I have excellent wrist rotation. When the bully-by-arm-wrestling fad went through my elementary school, I was so cocky “ha ha bullies, I’m immune to you this time!!!”
Also I got scolded by my drawing teacher in university because I held my fingers bent back when doing the draw-your-own-hand exercise, because I liked the perspective challenge and also the exaggerated tendons? and she was like “you were supposed to draw from LIFE, Keri”. So then I creeped her out by demonstrating the pose. (lol?)
Didn’t know this was a not-normal thing until now. Now I’m totally creeped out by my fingers.
That is how my fingers look resting on my keyboard at work, especially my index and little fingers. Also when I type, I guess.
I have to actually build this argument for this paper and this part is boring but I have to get through it and it’s going to end up being awful
The second one and the third-to-last one and also: I have to do a thing. Then I have to do another thing. By bedtime I still won’t have done all the things and I frankly don’t feel like doing ANY of the things.
Every. Damn. Day.
why is everything terrible
ssssshhhhhhh that’s what the enchanted grapefruits want you to think. Don’t give them the upper hand!
Nothing about my inflamed gallbladder? Selfish.
Boy howdy, am I feeling this today.
Sneaky Hate Spiral, a la Hyperbole and a Half?
“STOP PUSHING ON ME!”
I used to have a permanent retainer on my bottom teeth but I hated it, so now I have removable ones that I only wear at night. Also annoying, but less so.
Other people exist
Sometimes people can text me
OMG NOW I’M FURIOUS.
Have hope. My permanent retainer finally broke after 32 years and the dentist took it off and polished away the detritus. Now I can’t stop touching the smooth backs of my teeth with my tongue.
True fact: My permanent retainer was taken out 18 years ago, and I still rub the back of my teeth with my tongue.
mine came loose about 6 years after having been glued in, and I pulled it out completely with pliers; I ate extra baby carrots on purpose to smooth out the jagged glue bits, which works. It’s been 5 years since that happened and my bottom teeth have shifted and it makes me really mad that they are not perfectly straight anymore because what was even the point, then?
I did the same thing with my lower permanent retainer! It broke and came off of three of the six teeth it covered, so I snipped it off with wire cutters and have been so happy to be able to feel some of my teeth again. I can’t decide whether I would care if my teeth got a little crooked again. It’s just not worth it to spend the rest of my life with a wounded tongue from this damn wire, you know?
Embrace the crooked teeth! After braces twice and a retainer once, I am just done. I have decided that crooked is in.
When i had mine put on the orthodontist was like “Oh you’ll only have to wear this for like 10 years or so.” I brought that up with my dentist and she laughed. Laughed. I hate that thing so so much.
This reminds me of when I asked my orthodontist when I could stop wearing my retainers at night, and she said “When you get married.” So like… some arbitrary time between 18 and death then. Good.
My new dentist said they’d take mine off but they want $150 to do it, so forever it is!
I also had a “permanent” retainer on my bottom teeth, and after a few years, I went to a new dentist who thought I had a cavity under it and took it out. Turned out the supposed cavity was actually just a hole in or under the cement. So, anyways, the retainer was removed and the dregs of cement were polished away, and no cavity had to be filled, and my teeth didn’t revert to crookedness, so that was a story with several happy endings.
I didn’t even know permanent retainers were a thing until I saw this. My retainer went walkabout, like, 10 years ago and I’m ever so slightly snaggletoothed now…but not enough to care about it.
Maybe that woman was just as upset by the oversized apple as you were. Maybe she was solving the problem of the inexcusably large apple the only way she knew how: by cutting at it with her teeth.
while( thing.isTooBig() ) cutWithTeeth(thing);
…is going to be my new solution for many things…
Similar to something I read in a student newspaper years ago, and have carried with me since then: “If you have a problem with something, and it’s flammable, then you don’t really have a problem, do you?”
This kind of reminds me how the other day I realized that I have literally cried over spilt milk at least twice in my life.
Which makes perfect sense actually because it’s always when you’re in a terrible mood and you just need one little thing to go right that you spill the milk.
Worst case of crying over spilled milk ever was when I was 1st married to my ex. He got up in the middle of the night to get a drink from the fridge and dropped the full container of milk on the floor, which promptly burst open and flooded the kitchen. Pretty sure he cried there & then.
It is the saddest thing. And one of the worst things to spill because even when you wipe it up there’s tiny little flecks of white you can’t get up ever and you know there’s just gonna be a little bit of rotted milk there forever.
I mean that saying is ridiculous. It’s like saying “Don’t cry when you have the absolute worst day ahead of you and the only small moment of solace you have is your shower, but then it starts randomly going back and forth between scalding hot and freezing cold on you”
I have a cup of tea, and there is a finite number of sips I will take before I finish the cup, and then I will have to wash it, and then I will fill it up again with tea later, and I will do this a finite number of times, and then someday I will die and I will never do anything again
I feel this way about showering, every time. Yes, showers are reasonably pleasant and it’s nice to be clean but I’m going to have to do it again and again and again until I’m dead.
I have eczema, and this is how I feel about putting lotion on every day. It adds five minutes, tops, to my morning routine, but sometimes that extra five minutes is more than enough to break my spirit.
Yes. My lotion goes on at night (I shower at night, too), and my eczema is terrible on my back so my spouse helps me, so every night it is either “dammit, I want to go to SLEEP, I don’t want to wait five minutes to put lotion on,” or “dammit, I don’t want to go to bed, why do I have to take five minutes out of what I do want to be doing so that Spouse can put the cream on my back and then go to sleep?”
I mean, if I didn’t, then I would itch so much I would find myself scratching my back with a steak knife again, and I would hate that too. So maybe I am just filled with hate.
And the fact that it never goes away, that you have to keep putting the cream on every day just so that it doesn’t take over your whole body, but you’ll always have an irritatingly itchy and ugly patch somewhere, forever until you die and your skin gets burnt up or rots away anyway. Sigh.
Soooo not on the level of eczema, but this is precisely how I feel about the stiff, spiky hairs growing out of my chin and jaw and neck and pulling them out with tweezers or hot wax.I never get them all and then they just grow BACK two days later. I can’t even resort to shaving because I’m too inclined to ingrowns and rashes when I do.
uuuuuuugh yes yes yes yes yes
I did try threading this week and that was as effective and cheaper than waxing, plus faster than sitting there and tweezing them all out?
I can’t stand threading because every single time someone has offered to do it for me, they’re leaning over my face BREATHING INTO MY FACE and it’s disgusting. :/ Also, there’s a prick-prick-prick feeling that puts shivers down my spine (eta: and nauseating. i forgot that VERY IMPORTANT part of why I can’t handle professional depillatory stuff). I hate tweezing for the same spine-shiver ick, but at least I can control it and stop if it gets too bad.
I wish it were easier!
I am asking for laser chin hair removal for my birthday this year. Someone will no doubt lean over my face and probably breathe while they’re there, but then it will be over! And I will have a low-maintenance chin.
I keep thinking about that, too!
My mom got one of those at-home zappers, but I’m still waiting to hear from her if it actually works. Cheaper and no one’s smelly breath in my face!
I have one – they’re not brilliant on facial hair as it’s at lest partly hormonal so it’s much more resilient, but it has been amazing everywhere else.
I feel like the lady who’s doing my laser treatments would be very open to putting a mask over her mouth if asked. She already wears entertaining magnifying goggles to make she gets all the hairs I never even noticed, so what’s a mask compared to that?
Of course, the novelty of getting ZAPPED BY LASERS sort of overrides my discomfort at having someone so close to my face, staring at me and breathing on me, so I couldn’t say for sure. She might actually even wear a mask and I just haven’t noticed yet because ZAPPED BY LASERS.
Ooh I am getting my mustache lasered off and I am definitely going to ask the tech to wear a mask! I am also getting my happy trail and entire vulva lasered, but I don’t think there’s anything that could ever happen that would mitigate that particular brand of humiliation.
oooh, the lady who did mine wore a face mask thing? So she wasn’t breathing on me and that was great
I just started getting nauseated when I get my eyebrows threaded. It’s happened the past two times and it’s terrible but I will still do it because it’s the only time that my eyebrows are shaped correctly/not bushy.
I feel your pain so hard. And they just keep multiplying! I got my hormones tested because I wanted there to be something medically wrong with me that would explain the increasing numbers of chin hairs, something that could be treated, but NOPE.
“something medically wrong with me that would explain the increasing numbers of chin hairs”
I’m afraid it’s called “age.” This is why crones traditionally have hairy chins.
Or PCOS.
I am here for you. I have been tested for several things by several doctors, and finally my dermatologist was like, “Everything hormonal is normal except that your body acts like normal amounts of hormones are mega-amounts.” THERE IS NO SOLUTION AND ONE DAY I WILL DIE WITH HAIRS ON MY CHIN
I was told that if your facial hair follicles get testosteronized they never go away again. Mine went from dark brown to white when I was treated for PCOS, but I still use electric-y shaving things. Which don’t hurt the way almost all other kinds of hair removal does. I have migraines and fibromyalgia and other people exist, and I have to brush my teeth all the time and I just don’t need waxing or plucking pain!
Dude, PCOS. I started having PCOS symptoms when I was 18 and the hair removal is terrrrrible. Then I ended up with Crohn’s and arthritis, and the thought of dealing with all of that forever makes me too tired to do any of it.
I had a peach fuzz mustache when I was 8 years old. (That’s italics for the intensity with which I tell people.) Really, a scraggly goatee was inevitable. Plus it runs in the family. They suggested it was hormonal when I was 13, thus BC, but apparently grew out of it.
But no, it really was a dark fuzz on my lip that my mom made me start waxing when I was 11, and because of it, I resisted shaving my legs until I was 12, when the teasing finally got to me. (That was also the summer I stopped swimming, and this is Florida, because I didn’t want to start shaving my pubic hair yet, and it was already thick enough and far enough down my legs that even modest 1996-era swimsuits didn’t cover it, and I was told I was too gross to get in the water at the Y.) (This still infuriates me and makes me ashamed to wear anything that reveals my legs. It’s amazing how that kind of thing sticks with you!)
ETA Wow I got distracted and incoherent. This is what comes from commenting at work.
Because I knew of the weekly/monthly waxing ordeal and how it NEVER ENDS, I delayed shaving my legs. Because it NEVER ENDS. But eventually the teasing and “ew, gross” got to me.
FUCK SOCIETY, Jesus CHRIST. It’s goddamn hair. Let children swim, assholes.
I hate hate hate the person at the Y who told you that. I hate them.
My doctor sent me to get mine tested once because my had too much testosterone because of hairs (not on my chin but, uh, other places) and also I had a vey high libido (this was before children) and maybe that was why I couldn’t lose weight with diet & exercise. But nope, the endo said I was within normal, an then I found HAES & fat activism so I don’t care about the weight so much even though my exercise has fallen to once a week (that children thing again.)
I realized recently that life is really just a series of dirtying dishes, cleaning dishes, then dirtying dishes again and it’s all so futile and this is why I refuse to wash dishes and make Mr. Barmaid do it always
I 100% feel your pain on this one, just like, the feeling of finally having the dishes DONE and that side of the sink COMPLETELY EMPTY [except for the one or two bottles or plastic containers you just CANNOT BE FUCKED doing] but then a day later it’s full of filthy dishes again and you just want to throw them all on the floor, or yourself on the floor, and also live in a bubble where there is no such thing as mould.
Also, your man-name is the best and I am jealous that your username gives you such a great romantic-ally name to use.
Thinking about doing my laundry is what brings out this sort of existential dread for me.
I will be washing, folding, and putting away clothes forever and ever, or until I work up the courage to stop wearing clothes.
Yes, laundry does this to me too! Even worse, I think ” I will never be able to wash ALL the clothes because some are still on me. Even if I take them off, there will always be another towel, blanket, SOMETHING that is still dirty.”
For some reason dishes don’t bring this out, I don’t know why.
I have had this exact thought. My only reliable satisfaction in doing anything is doing it done. Someday, when my brain breaks up for real, I’ll be sitting by the dryer, naked, whispering to myself “TASK COMPLETE” over and over.
Thank you for this comment; it has eased the fury brought on by this article.
I finally gave in and signed up for a laundry service because I was so close to being at this point. I have less money but also very slightly less fear of death.
Yes, yes, yes on the inability to ever finish laundry. I hate it so much. SO MUCH.
One of the completely magical things about pairing off with a long-term life partner is that we have complementary dreads. He doesn’t mind doing laundry. He does my laundry for me. I have not touched a washing machine in months. I love that man. Then again, he loathes things like scrubbing the kitchen or cleaning the toilet or washing the rat cage, so basically anything connected with nameless weird crud or actual excrement is my job and I’m totally okay with that.
Laundry is the worst. I have stopped folding or putting it away for months now. It’s clean, and it’s all in baskets sorted by who it belongs to. (Mr. LF sometimes puts his away. The baby sometimes throws hers on the floor.) I am looking forward to wearing fewer clothes as summer approaches.
I stopped folding the kids clothes, and just wadded up the clean things and wedged them in the drawer. Now I do that with a large proportion of my own clothes as well. Liberating, also much much speedier, so yay?
As Laurie Colwin said, laundry is a mobius strip.
Alun Cochrane did a bit about baths in one of his radio series (Alun Cochrane’s Fun House) where he says that adults like baths more than kids, not because baths have gotten better, but because everything else has gotten worse and by comparison baths are better than the rest of life. I think of it every time I get in the shower thinking “I don’t want to wash my hair, it takes forever to dry, etc” then think “but it’s better than folding laundry/doing my taxes/paying bills/repairing the garbage disposal again, etc”
That’s how I feel about it too, these days. Being in the shower is one of very few iron-clad justifications for why I’m not doing the long List of other stupid, boring things that constitute adulthood.
Then, of course, I have to get out of the shower. I can tell it’s going to be a bad day when standing in the shower until the water runs cold is literally preferable to grappling with the List.
I always think of the bit in Fierce Invalids Home From Hot Climates about maintenance.
“Ritual he liked, but compulsory routine he hated. Thus, he resented every minute that he now had to surrender to showering, shampooing, shaving, and flossing and brushing his teeth. If mere men could devise self-defrosting refrigerators and self-cleaning ovens, why couldn’t nature, in all its complex, inventive magnificence, have managed to come up with self-cleaning teeth? ‘There’s birth,’ he grumbled, ‘there’s death, and in between there’s maintenance.'”
It is Two Thousand Goddamn Fifteen and we still don’t have a machine that hauls you out of bed and plops you in the shower and then dries your hair and does your makeup and dresses you and puts food in your face, like on the The Jetsons. This is BULLSHIT.
Or Wallace & Gromit:
EDIT: HTML IS A REASON I AM FURIOUS TODAY OMG. sorry.
Wow I mean, sure, make the rage the link to the gif, html, why not.
Sometimes I feel like that about food. And I like food! It just seems pointless.
I feel that way about food I have to cook myself.
I always feel this way about food. I mean, I like eating well enough, but so much of my life is devoted to planning food and preparing food and consuming food and cleaning up after food, and then I have to do the whole goddamned thing again.
I am waiting for the food pills that sci-fi promised me.
I feel this way about exercise and haircuts.
And having to make appointments for haircuts, which is just infuriating. What if something awesome comes up that day that I really want to do? “No, sorry, I’m having a haircut that day.” Ugh.
this! Exactly this! Which is why I am growing a long pigtail down my back (no cutting required) and it gets braided and left alone (no brushing or other maintenance applied) It is kind of glorious.
This is how I feel about doing the dishes. ALLLLLWAYS. T.S. Eliot can keep his coffee spoons – dish suds are the essence of mortality.
oh god I wasn’t going to post about my T.S. related anger but now I have to
every year I argue with a dead poet in my head for two months. every February I think “you were wrong, T.S, this is the absolutely worst, maybe it’s just because you didn’t live in Canada but seriously, screw you, this is the cruellest.” and then in April, like RIGHT NOW I think “ok, I see what you were saying, this does suck. that whole faking-you-out thing is pretty cruel.”
every single year for the last 20 years. I wish I could stop these thoughts. I’m bored of them.
I am often heard to say “November is the cruellest month! Eliot had it wrong!” I am also Canadian, but I live on the west coast, so April is actually great here and I have no reason to think it cruel.
Where I am (also Canada, the East coast), this year’s April is what February is normally like. I STILL CAN’T SEE THE GRASS. So I am right there with Eliot on hating April this year.
My one consolation is that we can at least see/walk on the entire sidewalk now.
I am also on the east coast of Canada, and also annoyed that this weather seems so much more tolerable because it least the sidewalks aren’t 100% ice now. It is a low bar to have for satisfaction.
a friend said that Stockholm Syndrome should be what we call it when the intensity of the winter lowers our internal metric for what is “nice” weather and we wind up waltzing around in t-shirts anytime the temp goes over freezing….
Dishes are THE WORST. Especially stemware. I have tiny hands so it’s not so bad, but I still hate washing out dried red wine from the horrible little pit in the bottom. But I also love wine and drinking it in fancy glasses. It is a never ending cycle and I will be drinking and washing wine glasses until I die.
I hate doing dishes the most. I have often said that my number one requirement in a potential husband is that he be willing to do the dishes for the rest of our married life. Always. Even if he is away for a couple of weeks, I’ll use paper plates or something, but I won’t do the dishes.
I once dated a guy for far longer than I should have, just because he loved doing the dishes and insisted that I leave them all for him. Turns out that’s not quite enough to build a lasting relationship on, as much as I tried…
The fucking crumbs thing. Every weekend morning I fly into this anxious fury storm and it always perplexes my poor dude but NOW IT ALL MAKES SENSE. It’s because all the surfaces in my apartment are SO DIRTY and I never see it because it’s always dark, so dark, so very very dark.
The wind does legit make me angry sometimes. Especially stupid Metro wind that blows everything about and gets dust in your eyes and is just inexcusably powerful.
I am also having this day. Most because other people exist, but also these reasons:
– dinner plans
– carelessly running out of shampoo, especially when you’re too pressed to buy more so you have to fill the bottle with water and shake it to create shampoo-water but you spend the rest of the day paranoid about your semi-greasy hair anyway
– the awareness you have while eating a brownie, that when the brownie ends nothing enjoyable will happen to you for the rest of the day, probably
– automatic updates to security software
– taxes
MOTHER OF HELL I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT TAXES AND HAVE NO FREE TIME BETWEEN NOW AND APRIL 15
NOW I AM HAVING THIS DAY TOO
YOU MONSTER
I’M SORRY (Can you find an accountant? That’s what I did when I thought, lo, it is April and taxes are due)
Haha it’s OK. My taxes tend to be relatively simple so I’ll just have to find a couple hours to spend with Turbotax.
Hurray for Turbotax. Godspeed, friend, and may your refund be generous.
Also one of the worst things in the world is when you’re hanging out with your friends and suddenly you realize you’ve been talking about taxes for 15 minutes, and you remember how when you were a kid you couldn’t imagine why adults were so BORING and talked about shit like TAXES all the time and you want to die.
Nooooo, the shampoo-water! The only thing worse is when you have to shave your legs with conditioner and afterwards every goddamn thing in the shower (you included) somehow has a thin coating of conditioner all over it and it takes forever to rinse off.
Toiletries in general are just too much work.
I had no idea other people did the shampoo thing!
I ran out of conditioner and shampoo a few weeks ago but as I wash my hair once a week I kind of forget I’ve run out until the next time hair wash day comes around. So it’s shampoo and conditioner water for me! Although now even the bits up the side of the bottle are running out, eventually it will just be water.
Other people (like me) totally do this!
I feel this so hard this week. April is the garbage-est month.
The cruelest month, you mean? Aaaannnd the comments section has come full circle and come back around to T.S. Eliot again.
(Seriously though, April can bite me.)
APRIL is the garbagest month, breeding
Dog poo and cigarette butts out of the dead land, mixing
Snow and thunderstorms, stirring
Piles of litter with spring rain.
Winter kept us in Canada Goose, covered
In overpriced parkas, feeding
Our little lives with listless imported vegetables.
Summer surprised us, coming over the Rockies
With a promise of smog days; we stopped in the liquor store,
And went on in sunlight, into the Starbucks,
And drank coffee spiked with Bailey’s, and talked for an hour.
The Leafs will never win a game, fucking Toronto.
And when we were children, staying at Revelstoke,
My cousin, he took me out on a skidoo,
And I was frightened. He said, Marie,
Marie, hold on tight. And watch out for bears.
In the mountains, there you are hammered half the time.
I can’t wait until I retire and I go south in the winter.
Thank you for this gift.
amazing!! Thank you
This is amazing. Thank you.
Excel formulas
Database duplicates, Finding and removing
Forgetting about your thing of pineapple until mid-afternoon when it’s too late to eat it
it’s never too late for pineapple
I am also bewildered by the notion that pineapple has a required hour?
Exactly. It is just now finally losing its terrible chill from the refrigerator. Unlike this morning’s grapes, which were SO COLD.
I hate, hate, hate Excel.
But….it could be worse. http://www.c4vct.com/kym/sg/scripts/pineappl.htm
Then there’s the chance someone will need to have a meeting with you.
When you go into your boss’s office and she says “can you close the door?”
I don’t think Mallory has to worry about that one for now, anyway 😉
“There’s nothing you can say to me that you can’t say to the gaping aperture.”
Meetings yes. Even worse? Grant site visits and group observations.
Yes, I was told that my funders will be doing a site visit soon and will have to observe one of my groups because I am the only with groups right now. Nooooo.
Does that fear EVER go away?
This guy asked to have a meeting with me. I’m his superior! He’s just gonna want some advice for his performance review with the big boss! I was still scared.
(actually maybe it’s because I *do* get in trouble)
“The underside of my fingernails feel dirty but because I have nail polish on I cannot confirm this”
Why I cannot bear to wear nail polish. Ever.
All that hidden dirt. YOU KNOW IT’S THERE. Don’t touch me.
It’s exactly why I *do* wear nail polish almost all the time. If I can’t see dirt I don’t care about it. I am sure mine are filthy right now because I am just home from doing the horses, btu they are black with silver and red glitter on so I don’t care.
I have gel tips on and the dirt contrasts against my natural nail so I can see and remove it, but the glue line is what bothers me the most. WHY IS IT LUMPY WHY CAN’T I SMOOTH IT OUT
I may have glued one of them back on last night with superglue, and that temporarily made me feel like a badass.
http://grooveshark.com/s/All+McGyver+On+It/2Wjfe5…
*Short* nails. File ’em down to nothing. Then apply polish. Very pretty. Very clean.
That crumb sunlight also totally highlights the coffee/tea stains on the counter. Everything just looks so… and oh, if you didn’t wash that pan last night……..
“Fuck, I’m in ‘Sid and Nancy’!”
Also, I tried to get another job recently, and so far I apparently didn’t get it, but I did get rotated to a different library and it’s a shorter drive that involves NONE of the previous drive that I did for eight years. MAN I needed a change, even if it was just never driving through that neighborhood again. I hated that neighborhood so bad. FUCK YOU, ONE STOPLIGHT! I HATE YOU MORE THAN THAT OTHER ONE! AND I HATE YOU THE MOST, THIRD STOPLIGHT!
knowing which stoplights you hate is a horrible part of being an adult
also dust. my apartment can go from “my, what a tidy, well-managed space” to “Miss Havisham’s” in the shift of a single cloud.
That fucking Mystrade fanfic that Nicole posted yesterday that you’ve been reading ever since and can’t quit
I specifically moved it onto my Kindle so it wouldn’t be sitting in my browser and tempting me with distraction from work. SO GOOD THOUGH.
That was so so smart omg
No joke, I pretty much put all my fanfic on my Kindle these days. Unless it’s a chapter update or super short for some reason, it’s easier on my eyes, and it helps keep my from getting distracted while working or reading. GOD BLESS THE DOWNLOAD FEATURE ON AO3.
My kindle is like 75% fic, 25% “real” books and that’s how I like it.
YES oh my god this. I am only like 3 chapters in right now and just gagging for more… I am furious at all my clocks that tell me I have to “go to bed” at a “reasonable hour” and go to “work” “on time” in the mornings. (More furious currently than usual, anyway)
FINALLY FINISHED IT
…by furtively reading it on my phone all through a lunch talk on drought and urbanization in central Africa, aka making really mature, adult choices.
idk that seems pretty responsible to me?
The Lestrade/Molly fic somebody posted in the comments is the reason I accidentally stayed up until 2 a.m.
What where I need this
An Avalanche of Detour Signs
Thank you! Thank god it’s not as long as the other.
Still, however, long enough for me to stay up until 2 in the morning reading it.
Fun fact: your permanent retainers aren’t actually meant to be permanent and one day when you are eating a hard food like popcorn or corn chips the bottom one will start to come off and you’ll drive an hour to the orthodontist of your youth and he will charge you $80 just to pull it off and polish your teeth, and he will tell you that there is no need to replace it because you aren’t a teenager anymore and you don’t need super straight teeth, and you will consider how your parents scrimped and sacrificed to give you braces so you could have permanent teeth forever or, apparently, for seven years.
Then a few years later, your top permanent retainer will start to peel off when you are eating a soft food, like a burger at your best friend’s destination 30th birthday party party which is peopled by strangers you would like to impress, and you will go into the bathroom and pull the wire out yourself and it will feel weird on your teeth and you will throw the wire away in the tiki bar bathroom and think about how that wire cost thousands of dollars and your teeth will never be as straight as they were when you were a teenager and your teeth were young and your braces were just removed.
I only ever had a permanent retainer on my bottom teeth, and I think it got loose and my college dentist was the one who finally took it off, and then he was like “you grind your teeth, here is a $500 custom-fit nightguard you must wear every night or terrible things will happen to you” so that’s what I have now, and THAT makes me furious.
WHAT NO! I’m angry at your dentist on your behalf! I also grind my teeth, but my dentist told me to just try a drugstore nightguard first because the custom made ones are so expensive. Apparently the drugstore varieties are softer so some people grind through them (eek) but mine has been great.
I have ground through multiple drugstore nightguards but am still at a cumulative total of maybe $120 spent on them, with at least one unused spare hanging around in a drawer. Perhaps (likely) I will eventually spend more on them than I would have on a permanent custom-fit one, but on the other hand my temporary retainers stopped fitting years ago (after forgetting to wear them and/or a nightguard for weeks at a time, repeatedly) so maybe a custom-fit one would also have stopped fitting by now? And then I would be truly furious.
This makes me glad that I’m a total mouth-breather. If I ground my teeth at night I’d suffocate before I did any lasting damage.
*whispers* I think I am also a mouth-breather, actually! But my front teeth are also misaligned (despite a history of braces) such that there’s always a gap between them for comfortable breathing no matter how I grind my teeth. I guess three wrongs make a….passably okay?
This gives me hope for the future. Pricey custom nightguard is on its last legs (I’ve squeezed 10 years out of the damn thing! I fired a dentist because she mocked it!) and I’d really rather not pony up for a new one unless and until I have dental insurance. I’d literally never realized I could go to the CVS or something and get one for a fraction of the price.
I did try a storebought one first, but it didn’t fit properly and I could hardly bear to wear it. :/ The custom fit one works a lot better for me. I frequently get lazy and refuse to wear it, though, until the jaw pain drives me back.
It took me about 5 years, but I ground through my custom one.
I’ve some how managed to grind through my pricey orthodontic night guard in one whole year. Yep, after a youth marred by braces, headgear, a franckl(iron maiden retainer), regular teenage retainers, Invisalign(as an adult), I now have the pleasure of spending a few hundred dollars a year on a mouth guard, AND am leisurely getting all of my molars gold capped as my teeth succumb to the crocodile force of my jaws. My slightly crooked teefs are the fanciest thing I own.
Toastie tooth-grinders may wish to try a little product called Grind No More. You get a pack of ten or fourteen, they’re very small and unobtrusive, can be worn on the upper or lower teeth, and while they’re “supposed” to be used for just three days, because I’m a serious clencher and not a grinder, mine last for months with no visible wear and during clenching episodes reduce the pain and swelling I have afterwards so I can at least eat without screaming. I really like them, they’re very fairly priced & I think they’ll send you a sample online for just shipping costs. Sorry to sound like an ad, but it took me a while to find a solution for my tendency to eat myself while asleep.
Have you ever flossed out a filling?
Goddamn is that angering.
Also angering: “Did you have braces? No wonder you’ve got all these cavities! It tears all your enamel off.”
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YES I did that a few months ago and I was so mad. I hate flossing and I feel very proud of myself for grudgingly subjecting myself to it and then this happens?! Bullshit.
I had a non-permanent retainer (but it was Invisalign? For some reason?) that hurt like hell, and being a teenager I didn’t realize it wasn’t supposed to hurt and that I could tell the Orthodonist there was a problem, so I just stopped wearing it. So my teeth are as crooked as they ever were, which means my gums are messed up and I have to get an expensive and painful procedure done on them next week!
I have one of those! It’s weird! I still wear it sometimes. I have never known anyone else to have one, so at least now I know it is legit? I am so, so sorry about your stupid procedure and hope it goes well.
The permanent retainer on my bottom teeth makes me endlessly furious. I can only long for the day when it will come off and I can floss again. And the dentist is always like, “You can buy those little plastic floss threaders…” As if I am actually going to do that. They are lucky I floss when there is actually food stuck between my teeth. I would die of happiness if a dentist would offer to take off my permanent retainer. I wouldn’t even care if my bottom teeth ended up crooked. I stopped wearing my non-permanent upper retainer years ago, and my teeth have returned back to their natural inclination of being totally straight but with a couple of tiny gaps between them, which is fine.
Fuck braces.
Orthodontia is a racket.
AGREED. I mean I’m glad I had it when I was a serious snaggletooth and all my teeth were lining up as if they were in a queue to reach my top lip. But it’s insane to me that people should be expected to wear a retainer from age 11 until DEATH, just so their teeth won’t be a little crooked.
My teeth are a little crooked! It’s okay! They’re also a little yellow! I’m literally never required to be on TV, so it’s no problem, as far as I’m concerned.
I love to see people, I mean actors, who still have their regular teeth. Sure, whitened, but still crooked and not veneered or whatever people cover teeth with. This is my shout out to Scarlet Johansson, as seen in “lucy.”
Yeah, my orthodontist convinced my parents that since my little brother (who had legit fucked-up teeth) was getting braces, I might as well get them, too (I think he gave them a discount?) to fix my slightly crooked bottom front teeth. It was two years of adolescent pain and not being able to play my trumpet very well anymore for, essentially, nothing – it’s been 15 years since I wore a retainer and my bottom front teeth are now crooked again.
this is actually such a lovely post and have you ever considered expanding it into an essay? Because this captures all the weird “growing up is not like they told me it would be” feels I have.
Also I never had a permanent “top” retainer, so because I have “tongue-thrust” (terrible name) my tongue has been steadily shifting my lovely teeth, and I’m sort of panicked I will revert to a middle-school gap-toothed grin. so there’s that.
I replied upthread that I pulled mine out with pliers, and honestly have felt guilty about it until reading how your orthodontist dealt with yours. My teeth shifted pretty much immediately 🙁 and they were not even all that crooked before I got bottom braces, so now I am back to my pre-braces bottom teeth, WTF.
One day when I birth my crooked-fanged spawn, you know damn well that I’ll have many very specific questions for their ortho.
In a whisper, now: I haven’t seen a dentist since high school, over ten years ago.
My father did that, except it was fourteen years with a fairly relaxed view of flossing and then he had to go the periodontist for about a year a half so he could have veneers put in because he ignored his teeth. There was a bad month where he was missing a front tooth and, given that my father is already a bit of a hick, this was a weird time for him.
I’m not saying this will happen to you, but teeth cleaning really does feel good.
Oh no you’re probably 100% right but I had a lot of orthodontistry done as a kid (teeth removed, plates etc) and I’ve never had a filling or any tooth pain and so it just … Hasn’t come up?
But omg speaking of dads without front teeth. My dad has had several removed and replaced with false ones but in weird gaps all over the place. So when he want to creep us out he takes out his dentures (if that’s what you call a retainer with some random teeth attached) and makes whistling grins at us.
If I haven’t learned my lesson by now, etc.
It’s your own fault for moving to a place with windows.
Other people exist and some of them are straight white cis men.
I’m pissed off by the fact that I’m expected to do my job and then STILL do stuff like cleaning and paying bills and putting on clothes and feeding myself and being an actual adult. Total bullshit.
But then a trailer for a new videogame I want (DEUS EX AAAH) came out and I remembered that I can just escape into a fantasy world instead, yaaaaaaay. *Slowly becomes a hollow consumerist shell of a woman.*
I clicked on the trailer only to become mildly disappointed that the game is not named “Deus Ex Aaah.” It would’ve been so great!
Yeah, I had the same thought as well as I typed that. I want to live in the universe where they release Deus Ex: AAAAH, Dragon Age Motherfucker, Pillars of Erhmagerrd, and Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance. (Wait that last one is real.)
I just want to play “Harvest Moon: Farms are Fucking Sweet”
“Animal Crossing: Decorating Another Damn House”
“The Legend of Zelda: Again?”
The Borderlands franchise can probably be persuaded to name their next game along these lines.
If there’s another Saint’s Row game (or DLC for the last one), they could surely be persuaded.
Fallout: Fucking HELL
I’d play Pillars of Erhmagerrd.
I would absolutely play all of these.
No Farida Malik, though. ;_; This gives me a sad.
For realsies. -_-
I just hope Pritchard’s back. Gruff Jensen + Irritable Pritchard = OTP
I am forever here for angst over permanent retainers. Damn these wires and the monster who attached them to my teeth!
I have way too many times when I get angry that people breathe. AUGH. THE NOISE.
Yes. And I get angry that I breathe. These horrible involuntary movements that involve almost my whole body and that I cannot stop doing. WHY?
I hate when I can hear myself breathe! I just want to punch myself in the face!
I was talking at this recently and my dad apparently found it hilarious. But hearing people breathing is infuriating! Especially the ones who just breathe SO LOUDLY FOR NO REASON. Surely it takes more effort! Why are you doing this?
Want to see a picture of me hearing crickets for the first time after I got a cochlear implant? I know it’s not the same as you hearing a new thing, but it was nice.
If it was not a rhetorical question, I would like to see the picture. My sister had to have the tiny bones in her ears replaced with tiny bits of metal?, and she was so happy to hear crickets and frogs and that odd whirring noise that screech owls make again. And whippoorwills.
I don’t know how to embed things, here’s the picture on imgur: http://imgur.com/gallery/YR1u8l5
I don’t know how long it had been since I had last heard crickets. I have a degenerative sensorineural hearing loss so things have just disappeared throughout my life. The crickets made me so happy, as I am a summer child and not hearing crickets is like not seeing fireflies.
That is lovely!
I LOVE THIS PICTURE THE WORLD IS NOT AS AWFUL AS I THOUGHT.
Oh, that picture is wonderful and made my whole heart smile. Thank you for sharing it!
Wow, thanks!
Thank you for sharing this!
Oh my god I’m going to cry! You look so very happy!! <3
Yes, I do.
I have to actually APPLY for your job? Like it’s so special anyway. Would it kill you all to be a little proactive once in awhile and just email me a few offer letters to peruse on my couch?
You’d think in the seller’s market we have right now…
Everything. AGAIN.
When I sit down at 75 to write my memoirs you bet your ass I’m going with the title “I’m hungry, but I’m also sitting down?”
A kindred permanent retainer spirit-friend! Except mine is permanently broken; half of it snapped off when I bit a too-big apple.
it is past 12 am here, I have just downed half a bottle of water and i am about to go to bed, which means i will have to wake up in the middle of the night to pee, then i will come back and have some more water (because either i feel thirsty after peeing or i don’t like to keep my bladder empty) so i will have to wake up again to pee before the alarm goes off and yet again i will have water before i sleep the second time and then wake up again to pee, thus i will always have fragmented sleep and this vicious ammonia releasing cycle will continue every night, for the REST OF MY LIFE!
The ridiculously poor design of the human body – specifically knees and shoulders – can just go piss up a goddamn rope.
Sometimes it soothes me to remember that there’s no reason to think the human body is any kind of end point – the design is terrible, but it’s probably on the way to evolving into something much more reliable! Or cyborgs. Whichever.
I’d be first in line to transfer my consciousness to a sleek cyborg chassis. Bonus: no more needing to get up in the middle of the night to pee!
It was lunch time and while I was hungry nothing sounded good even though I work from home and have a reasonably well-stocked kitchen.
Also, the wind is the worst. It looks so sunny outside at first glance, but the wind is already causing a ruckus so I cannot leave the house and remain comfortable.
Texting is bad enough but sometimes there is phone, and that is the actual worst.
I don’t want anybody to use my phone number for any mode of communication.
Phones ARE the actual worst, said the gal forced to answer them all goddamn day at work.
One of my favorite things Stephen Fry said (in QI Series B episode 5, according to this website which has transcripts of all the series: https://sites.google.com/site/qitranscripts//tran… ) “a telephone is a fantastically rude thing. I mean, it’s like going, [banging rhythmically on desk] ‘Speak to me now, speak to me now, speak to me now!’ You know. If you went into someone’s office and banged on their desk and said, ‘I’m . . . I will make a noise until you speak to me,’ it would be considered unbelievably rude.”
I’m in quite a good mood today. Should I just fuck off now, before you all come to England and murder me?
Perhaps you can just feel smug about the more relaxed approach to dentistry in the old country
I am sitting here in England feeling confused by the whole concept of “permanent retainers”, it’s true.
That’s my plan for today.
How about if I come to England and my mood will actually improve when I arrive, more to your current level?
We could give it a go! I have a purring cat on my lap which is always conducive to cheer.
Hi English kitten!
FECK OFF
Bishop Brennan, I am shocked at you. :singsmylovelyhorse:
It’s Wednesday, I WANT A NAP but don’t have time for one, and I’m starting to get hangry.
The woman IMing me at work has “ASAP – Always say it with a prayer!” on her IM status and aside from feeling like religion has no place in a corporate environment, THAT IS NOT HOW ACRONYMS WORK.
Noooooooooooooooooooooo
ASIWAP looks a little like something rude, if you squint. Perhaps you should think of that whenever you see it…
I would be furious all day every day if the woman was my co-worker.
The grain of sand or dirt in your shoe that you can’t find usually turns out (for me) to be a tiny blister actually resident on my foot itself. It took me more than 50 years to figure that out.
A man in Starbucks was eating, with his mouth
Ugh, man mouths.
Damn him.
I am sick right now but there is work to do and the world won’t freaking stop even thought it should because to get better I need to relax and rest but how can I do that when the world is leaving me behind and as a function of time I feel more and more guilt for not working and that surely can’t be helping my stress level and I’m sick and miserable and ARGH.
I feel you. I’m also sick and with a big presentation tomorrow and oh god the headache I can’t focus whyyyyy?
– There are things that I want but I can’t have them but other people have them?
– I have a finite amount of time in my life and I just willingly spent nearly two hours of it watching Wild Wild West
– When you knit things you have to weave in the goddamn ends like fuck you
– I am a woman living in a world where my worth is overwhelmingly defined by my fuckability
– I get ill really easily but my husband gets a mild sniffle
– Other people have lives and do things with them and that enrages me
– People in shops breathe near me
“watching Wild Wild West”
The show or the movie?
If the movie: was it to prepare for a “How Did This Get Made?” episode?
The movie
And no, I have no excuse other than ‘I am recovering from flu’
Then I *am* sorry for your loss.
When will I learn to listen to Netflix? It thought I’d only rate it 1.75 stars.
“When you knit things you have weave in the goddamn ends like fuck you”
So much yes. Why can’t I just have a nice thing immediately when I’m finished instead of the fucking weaving and blocking and shit.
Like, I JUST finished my husbands anniversary socks except I didn’t? Because there’s all this fiddly fucking finishing shit to do.
And he has massive feet too so they took me forever.
And they’ve got these weird straps on the ribbing that I had to knit in a different colour.
He had better wear these every day for a week. All he had to do for me was SPEND MONEY.
People who breathe near other people are the worst.
My earbuds never, Never stay in my ears and I hate life.
When one falls out and gets tangled in your hair. FML
My cat can’t do her own damn grocery shopping
My dogs and cats can’t pay for their own groceries (and vet bills).
I used to tell the dog that she should at *least* get a job as a Wal-Mart greeter or something, to cover some of her own costs. Never did.
We tell ours to get a part-time job all the time. We just get this look instead:
Everything keeps rolling off of my desk.
My bra is touching me and will be touching me for at least another hour.
Being touched by bras is the WORST.
If I could get away with not being touched by bras ever again HELL YES I WOULD.
I’m furious because I’m hurting on every conceivable level today:
I’m a Charleston, SC resident, so I’m hurting because I’m a human and something needlessly tragic happened in my literal backyard last Saturday, and the world is finding out about it and some of them are being asshats about it.
I have a currently undiagnosed, but acknowledged by the medical community (read: you have something, but we don’t know exactly what it is and you’re going to have to spend a lot of time, money, and blood for us to try and find out) autoimmune disorder which is causing me excruciating pain.
I’m hurting because other people, time, life, my cell phone, my mom, that pen Iost, and ants.
i am housed in a body and not in a glowing orb of light.
This post and ensuing comment section has made me feel less alone but also reminded me of many additional things that make me furious. So thanks but also goddammit, Mallory?
I can’t find a magical item by which to make myself a smidge younger. Books and movies and culture at large have been lying to me that these things are available.
My husband legit doesn’t get why I get so angry at inanimate objects (and furthermore seem to relish doing so, as I on occasion relish doing things like throwing the fucking box of plastic wrap across the kitchen because I can’t ever get it to fucking not stick to itself when I’m trying to cover something with it and THAT’LL FUCKING TEACH IT), and now I feel the full force of Toast commenters on my side. Thanks guys.
The amount of satisfaction derived from throwing inanimate objects across the room is directly impacted by the level of scorn directed at you by the people in your vicinity. More scorn = less satisfaction.
I wonder what the result would be if the person with you, instead of going ‘Why are you so angry?’ went ‘Holy fucking shit plastic wrap, GTFO’ and started throwing things alongside you…
FUCKING COFFEE GROUNDS WON’T LEAVE ME ALONE!
We’re coffee snobs, and my partner makes excellent coffee, for which I feel endless gratitude, BUT…. somehow between grinding the coffee, emptying the fresh grounds into the press and the spent ones into the compost, and washing the press, coffee grounds get EVERYWHERE. And no matter how many times I sweep the floor, wipe the counter, rinse the sink, wash out the dishrag…. I can never clean them all up. They just keep coming back.
It’s not that I’m a fastidious housekeeper (far from it), but it’s just that even when I do work really hard to try and get the place clean, they’re always there. Also, they look like bug poops. I suspect they do it on purpose to remind me of what I will become after I die.
I have a good system for at least the press emptying part. It is… mildly wasteful, but at least I don’t have coffee grounds everywhere. THEY DO LOOK LIKE BUG POOPS!!!!
I put a paper towel in the bottom of the sink, over the drain, and when I rinse out the french press the paper towel catches all the grounds. Then I gather the paper towel together like cheese cloth, squeeze most of the water out, and drop the whole bundle in the compost.
It occurs to me that if I save the barely used paper towels that I invariably generate, and reuse them for this purpose, it would not be so wasteful.
Kale exists. That really irks me. I don’t even know why.
I want cheese, but I just brushed my teeth, and everything is awful.
oh my god, those freaking apples. SO BIG. like, toddler head sized. and inexplicably shiny too? they creep me out just seeing them, and make me instantly reach for the smallest dustiest apples I can find
“I’ll pop into the store to buy milk in the morning”
Wakes up, goes APESHIT
Although to be fair, when thinking about this I realized that as kids we would make fun of adults for talking about taxes but we spent plenty of time talking about our math homework and our teachers etc– everyone talks about the boring shit they have to deal with with their friends and that stuff exists pretty much after age 7.
APRIL is the garbagest month, breeding
Dog poo and cigarette butts out of the dead land, mixing
Snow and thunderstorms, stirring
Piles of litter with spring rain.
Winter kept us in Canada Goose, covered
In overpriced parkas, feeding
Our little lives with listless imported vegetables.
Summer surprised us, coming over the Rockies
With a promise of smog days; we stopped in the liquor store,
And went on in sunlight, into the Starbucks,
And drank coffee spiked with Bailey’s, and talked for an hour.
The Leafs will never win a game, fucking Toronto.
And when we were children, staying at Revelstoke,
My cousin, he took me out on a skidoo,
And I was frightened. He said, Marie,
Marie, hold on tight. And watch out for bears.
In the mountains, there you are hammered half the time.
I can’t wait until I retire and I go south in the winter.
Does, uh, does everyone wash their mug after every individual cup of tea they have in it? If my friend, for example, used the same mug many times for many cups of tea over the course of several days, would that be gross and slovenly?
I don’t drink tea, but I use the same water glass for several days at a time. I rinse my iced coffee cup every morning, but I only really wash it once a week or so.
-It’s raining which means I get that Stone Temple Pilots song stuck in my head that’s like “…so much depends on the weather, so IS IT RAINING IN YOUR BEDROOM”
Am propped up in bed reading this, aware my pillow has been at the wrong angle in the small of my back since god knows how long. My discomfort is growing but I can’t be fucked fixing the situation and I am offended.
Also I can hear people outside being alive at me
a friend said that Stockholm Syndrome should be what we call it when the intensity of the winter lowers our internal metric for what is "nice" weather and we wind up waltzing around in t-shirts anytime the temp goes over freezing….
amazing!! Thank you
What where I need this
There are all these rats in my yard. I’m allergic to cats and the nigel won’t let me get just any old dog from the SPCA that needs a good home, no, he wants a particular breed of puppy that will grow into a wonderful dog that is also massive and hairy and drooly and I just know that all the grooming and cleaning up after will be my problem.
So I am angry at rats and future potential dog drool and hair and fragile things broken by enthusiastic tail wagging and even more cleaning and getting a puppy from a breeder when there are dogs that need homes.
Thank you! Thank god it's not as long as the other.
My sister has this for the sound of people chewing. Interestingly, the only people whose chewing produces this effect is her nuclear family. So she doesn't eat at the table with us anymore.
I was seduced by a giant, shiny, honeycrisp apple at Whole Foods on my post-therapy grocery shopping spree. I DESERVED that apple. It weighed about three pounds and cost me about three dollars. It was delicious but I couldn’t even finish it. The day after I bought it, I read this post and it’s haunted me ever since. If Mallory lived in Toronto or I knew she was visiting Toronto, I would suspect she was writing about me…except I ate it in private, watched only by toddlers demanding to share my giant apple.
This is amazing. Thank you.