Things I’ve Learned About Heterosexual Female Desire From Decades Of Reading -The Toast

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  • Women only love men with CROOKED SMILES, a man who smiles with his mouth all in a straight line might as well be DEAD; a male smile should resemble nothing on earth so much as the Leaning Tower of Pisa, Lombard Street, a lightning bolt, a scarecrow with a broken neck, or two palm trees leaning against each other to form a big “X”
  • Most women cannot distinguish between the feeling of “love” and what happens when a young male has floppy hair that falls over his eyes; truly lovable men have eyes hidden so deeply behind a cascade of floppy chestnut hair they are effectively blind
  • Men are most attractive when they have at least one but no more than three minor cosmetic flaws (scar on chin, slightly chipped tooth, poor), like Chip the cup from the cartoon version of Beauty and the Beast 
  • A woman can forgive a man for anything, except for having freckles or a weak chin
  • 100% of women want to have sex with a man who embodies the fox version of Robin Hood from the cartoon Robin Hood, but most do not actually want to have sex with a fox or a man dressed as one
  • It’s not enough to have a lot of hair falling in your eyes; men must be constantly tugging at their own hair in exasperation or at the very least running their hands through it as they think carefully about art or something
  • Men should have a TON of money but not care about it for even a SECOND, he should literally forget he even has money, he should whisk you away on a helicopter and then when you try to tip the pilot in cash he’s like “what are those weird little flat green dudes in your wallet?” because he doesn’t care about money at all even though he has so much of it
  • Women love it when a man seems gay and mean but is actually straight and nice, or at least he wants to be nice, or at least he wants to be nice to one person and that person is you, and instead of straight he’s gay 98% of the time but he’s super-mega-straight for you, and nobody knows what bisexuality is
  • Someone understood him once but then she died
  • It’s really good when a man could hurt you and maybe spends a lot of time hurting other people but makes an exception in his hurting-people schedule for at least one woman he doesn’t hurt, but he could if he wanted to, only he doesn’t, so it would be great if he murdered everybody except for you and didn’t murder you even a little bit
  • Just this pretty much
  • If he’s normally so powerful that he could destroy you but he’s in the hospital or prison or something or just tied to a bunch of cabins in the woods maybe and you have to bring him mush and he’s totally dependent on you and he hates it and reminds you of how much he hates it but there’s not even anything he can do about it and he has to rely on you and maybe trust again for the first time in his whole entire life, that’s good
  • Whenever possible, a man should have a cruel mouth, particularly if he has blue eyes – the bluer the eyes, the crueler the mouth; a man with cornflower-blue eyes should have a mouth like a genocide
  • If he can’t have a cruel mouth, he should have strong and callused hands, sort of rough but surprisingly gentle, like if it turned out his hands were actually made of doves, and he should be sort of dim but incredibly dedicated to you, he should be so dumb he can’t remember fractions but every day he builds you a four-poster sleigh bed out of oak and devotion and needs to have wordless but noisy sex on the hour and also needs help signing his own name
  • It’s good if a man is skittish and terrified of affection, like a beautiful horse that appears on the edge of a frozen lake one day and you have to tame it by bringing it a handful of food every day until it slowly comes to learn your scent (but with sex)
  • like a mean professor who always wears powder-blue button-ups and has a little bit of chest hair that’s not too dark and he withholds praise from you constantly?
  • His mother is just the worst and you’re nothing like her
  • If a man is calm 100% of the time, like so calm that he’s mostly dead, and he only gets boners for his job, because he loves his job so much and he’s always sitting at a desk or standing with a phone doing his job, but then all of a sudden he can’t stop getting boners for one specific woman and he’s mad at her from how much she’s distracting him from his job, which has never happened before, because he’s literally never been attracted to even a single woman in the history of being alive in his own body until right now and he’s going to straight up murder you with sex because it turns out all that sedate studiousness he thought was his personality was actually the calm before the dick storm
  • Sometimes women instead love it when men are little and sweaty and sleazy, like a sexual rat, idk
  • That’s it I guess, that’s all I know
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