Dorothy Parker Swipes Left: A Poem -The Toast

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Men love to share their bathroom pics
Are these to be admired?
Self-portraits of Toms, Harrys, Dicks
Leave much to be desired

A scowl doesn’t turn me on
That grin seems insincere
They say choose brains instead of brawn
But you’ve got neither, dear.

Who’s that girl?
Which one are you?
Your mother’s cute
Will she come too?

Oh good, a troupe of improv actors
Bully, you’re with the band
Stage lights, and sweat (and other factors)
My ship may go unmanned

A motorcycle? Say, that’s rich.
I find your taste deplorable
Your dog looks like a little bitch
And your children are adorable

Oh, you ski?
And yoga too?
You ran a race?
Well, pour me two

The drink of choice for many lad
Is canned beer at the bar
Weak and pale and cheap and sad
Is not just PBR

Rock-hard hair and fake teeth flashing
A gold chain just for show
You think your suit makes you look dashing
I’m running faster, though

Costumed guy
Burning men
Need not apply

Moustache and trilby are the norm
A beard paired with a glower
Dear God, I swear that I’ll reform
If these hipsters ever shower

On and on through endless gents
Their horrid faces blending
But no one hearing my laments
Takes the fun from condescending

Oh, God, who’s next?
Of course, my ex
It’s just tonight…
Perhaps…swipe right

Heather Alexander is a literary agent in New York City who loves raisins, Mummenschanz, custom sneakers, and forests, and she knows almost nothing about contemporary music. Only some of those things are true. Follow her on Twitter @heatheralexand.

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