Texts From Hieronymus Bosch

by Mallory Ortberg · May 21, 2015

i painted you something
you did?
oh good
I’m glad to hear that you have been keeping busy
do you want to see it
oh
I
what’s the painting of?
just a regular bird
oh okay
I’d like to see that

bosch9

what do you think
pretty regular huh
oh it’s
see the owl is me
and the egg-beast sprouting nude arms and legs and cherries and genitals, that’s you
so it’s a painting of a bird but it’s also a painting of our friendship
mmm
where do you want me to hang it
mmm
good idea
i’ll surprise you

 

i made another painting
what’s this one called
“Cutting the Stone”
oh
okay that sounds –
here it is

bosch5

the stone is inside of his skull and driving him mad
so they have to cut it out of his brain
i see
why is the woman wearing a book on her head, though
well it was either put the book there or give it scissor-feet and show it eating pig-babies in the background
oh
do you think i should have given it scissor-feet?
i’ll repaint it
no
no i think the book looks great where it is
really?
very normal place for a book

 

what do you think heaven looks like
oh
i don’t know
peaceful, and green, and –
do you think dozens of terrified nudes have to flee inside of an egg to escape the fanged mermaids
i
i’d have to check with a theologian
but i don’t think so

bosch6

i bet in heaven sometimes people are crushed by a great strawberry
do you think that’s something that happens a lot?
in heaven?
im pretty sure

 

remember the temptation of st. anthony
sure
what do you think he was tempted by
i feel like you’re not really asking because you want to know what i think
what
i feel like maybe you already have a really specific idea in your head
and you’re just going to wait for me to suggest something and then you’ll yell out the very specific thing you think it was instead
no no i would never do that
i really want your opinion for this painting
okay
well
i think maybe worldly riches
ok
what else
maybe women
and????
i think that’s it
i think those are the only two t–
WHAT ABOUT FISH SOLDIERS

bosch3

I THINK MAYBE FISH DRESSED UP LIKE SOLDIERS WERE A BIG PROBLEM FOR ST. ANTHONY

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148 Comments

    1. maccrocodile +52

      “Hey, do you guys think fish soldiers would have–”
      “Definitely.”
      “Go for it.”

    1. Jessargh +81

      These texts would make no sense coming from the many lesser Hieronymus Bosches out there

    2. Perdita McLeod +29

      Mallory is not talking about just any old Bosch, here – only the Hieronymus one. (That dude’s first name sure does sound like an adjective.)

    5. malloryelis +123

      Honestly? Honestly, until RIGHT now I thought his name was like, The Venerable Bede, which is to say that Hieronymus modified Bosch. Is that not his name???

      1. laurenipsum +33

        Heironymus is his first name! BUT it is clear that we need to figure out what it means as a modifier so we can start using it.

          1. irishbreakfasttime +53

            can you attain Hieronymusity? Like a degree, or knighthood? Maybe we can start the Hieronym Accreditation Board and take applications, hand out credentials to qualified individuals

        2. arc315 +76

          Now I’m imagining a spinoff of Anonymous. Less political and way crazier. “We are Heironymus.” And they def wouldn’t wear Guy Fawkes masks.

          1. Alluvial_Fan +40

            Please let’s do this. Random acts of crazy art everywhere. When you least suspect it!

            Maybe Dali mustaches could be the dress code.

          2. horrorvacui +10

            Dress codes would be contrary to the Hieronymous philosophy! There is no dress code other than “wear something bizarre”.

            Obviously Banksy is the current leader of the movement.

          3. Abanthis +13

            Well obviously, they’d wear book hats and fish heads instead. Extra mannequin limbs are easy enough to come by, right?

      2. toastbartender +23

        IT SHOULD BE (in case you’re being serious, his name is actually Jerome.)

          1. Max +20

            Hiero => “Holy/Blessed”, Nym => “Name”; Clearly “The Holy Named Bosch”.

        2. sarahetl +16

          Here in Den Bosch (where he’s from!) people just call him Jeroen Bosch, which is a farrrrr to normal name I think.

        1. irishbreakfasttime +138

          it actually kinda sounds like a cryptid occasionally spotted in the remote woodlands

          SCULLY: The corpse appears to have been slashed with a crude knife, causing death due to blood loss. I’m not sure how to explain the fish parts stitched to the flesh; possibly this is the work of a local cult engaging in a grim ritual.
          MULDER: Come on, Scully. You’ve heard of the Hieronymus Bosch, haven’t you?
          SCULLY: Not since I was five and my cousin was telling scary stories, Mulder. Surely you aren’t suggesting–
          MULDER [turns on slide projector]: Look, 1982, Vermont, same thing! The victim was impaled with a bird beak and posed over a chess board!

        2. damanoid +69

          “Tonight on The H.B.: CSI: Earthly Delights— the team is confronted by the suspicious death of a man who drowned while having sex with a giant eyeball. Also, Horatio becomes romantically involved with a bird.”

    6. CordeliaFitz +13

      It’s like THE Ohio State University. The definite article is not needed, as there’s really no risk of confusion, but it sounds a hell of a lot more prestigious with it.

    7. eldritchhair +1

      It seems the printer Hieronymous -Cock- would attribute works to Bosch. So, this could be legitimately confusing for some, I imagine.

  5. grumblyqueer +114

    I feel like our buddy William Blake should get into an art exchange with this dude.

    1. v_d_budenmayer +11

      All I could think was, he’s got a lot more in common with William Blake than I would have thought.

  6. threatqualitypress +207

    Hieronymous Bosch is such my favorite.

    “Wait hold on, I am really good at painting — why should I keep painting regular things that people can see just by looking at them? Why don’t I use this power to paint ANY CRAZY THING THAT I WANT?”

        1. elsamac +67

          Truth is a peachlike fruit with a thistle for a stem that blooms into a transparent sphere in which a couple lounges, admiring an, um, I guess an orange, or something

          and also when two giant ears attack you with a knife in a dark hellscape

          that is truth

          1. threatqualitypress +54

            also truth is when a giant sparrow or something just swallows you whole, that is another very good example of truth I think

          2. elsamac +32

            truth is when a massive toad flaps open a tent to display your lascivious flesh that a saint might be wrecked on the rocks of temptation

            and also truth is some jacked-up flying fish

            but no i mean flying fish

      2. Unreadaethel +4

        OMG, looking at that again, I realize that there is a possibly-malevolent owl in the foreground of part of it.

        MALLORY IS RIGHT AGAIN.

  7. alula_auburn +106

    I do have to appreciate how well he captured Book-Head-Lady’s absolute indifference to the proceedings.

  8. v_d_budenmayer +110

    This is so timely because in one of the classrooms I teach in, there is a poster of The Garden of Earthly Delights and occasionally one of my 9th grade students will… notice it, and become scandalized by it and start whispering about it to other 9th graders. This just happened a few minutes ago and then I walked into my office, opened up The Toast, and here this was!

    1. elsamac +24

      I wrote a semester-long paper on TGoED, and did most of my reading in my local coffeehouse with a book open to the print on the table in front of me. Other patrons would pass my table, glance at the print, and then just hover there for long minutes before they’d snap back into awareness and keep going.

    2. Sara +3

      My high-school geometry teacher had a poster of this painting on the wall in his office, and I went in for extra help a lot that year, both because I was terrible at geometry and because I had the world’s biggest crush on him. Anyway, I remember being in for extra help during lunchtime one time, and my eyes wandering and settling on this poster, and being all “Uh-huh, obtuse angles and WHAT THE HELL WHY ARE LEGS AND CHERRIES COMING OUT OF THAT EGG”

  9. winterbymorning +88

    When I went to the Prado I spent more time staring at the Garden of Earthly Delights than with all the rest of the artwork there combined. Everywhere you look, there is more indescribable lunacy. Bosch is the best.

    1. Perdita McLeod +81

      Some friends of mine had a huge Garden of Earthly Delights jigsaw puzzle and I think that was the most fun puzzle I’ve ever worked on.

    2. MissCrystal +15

      The Garden of Earthly Delights is the only reason I want to go there. My art history professor in community college saw it back in the day (and I mean that that she was like 2 years from retirement when I had her 10 years ago) she actually got one of the people there to close it for her so she could see the front.

    3. Adam +1

      I went to the Prado and someone asked if I knew what the most famous painting was. Obviously Earthy Delights? No! Apparently it’s Las Meninas. I had never heard of it.

      1. Teka Lynn +3

        That’s the painting that’s about the Infanta and two ladies in waiting, but it’s really about the king and queen in a reflection in a mirror on the wall, except it’s really a self-portrait of Velasquez painting himself in a reflection in a mirror on the wall. Or something.

  10. Mrs_Peel +59

    What do you think, Toasties– was he one of those artists who went crazy bananapants from syphilis or was he just… you know, like that?

    2. malloryelis +114

      People are ALWAYS trying to come up with explanations (“oh he definitely experienced ergot poisoning from diseased rye bread”) for why he was bonkers and I firmly believe that he was JUST BONKERS.

      1. toastbartender +17

        Bonkers? What do you mean? Seems perfectly sensible to me. Now Bruegel is BONKERS. do Triumph of Death next. (again, humorless insert: not bonkers at all, Ren art history is the best!)

    3. coolstorymere +120

      I want to think he was Just Like That. I mean, he’s really no different from a Dr. Seuss or a D&D monster creator. Some people just got a lot of ideas about egg beasts that they need to share with the world.

    5. A. Galley +45

      Apparently he was of a habit of eating a pound of raw meat before bed, to give himself nightmares (and thus, inspiration).

      Whether this is a cause or effect of lunacy I leave as an exercise for the audience.

      2. damanoid +74

        “What… kind of raw meat, Herr Bosch?”

        “Oh, just… meat, you know? Just random, everyday raw meat. Found meats.”

    6. damanoid +127

      The man’s name was Hieronymus Bosch.

      You can’t escape a destiny like that. How are you going to paint normal pictures when your name is PURE STEAMPUNK NEUTRONIUM? YOU CAN’T, because everything you see is an intricate visual allegory so concentrated that it collapses in upon itself and becomes its own gnostic religion. “Say, how’s that commission of mine coming along?” asks a faceless material phenomenon that you interpret as a pulsating alchemical World-Egg. “Fine, fine,” you reply absently, adding a few more armored pig-nuns to the canvas(portal)[transcendent reality], the better to guard the Bagpipe Demiurge from prematurely sublimating the vapors of the Immanent Microcosm.

        2. damanoid +34

          You’re probably thinking of his lesser-known brother, Jerry Bosch (1456-1522), a moderately successful landscape painter who specialized in bucolic farm scenes, often with a cat in the foreground. He also did caricatures at parties.

      2. shinyemptyhead +44

        Hieronymus Bosch was just a pseudonym though (what’s the painting equivalent of a pen-name? A brush-name?). His real name was Jheronimus Anton Jan van Aken. As Elsa Is Emily points out below, Hieronymus Bosch is just a deliberate overlatinization of “Jerry from Bosch”. Bosch in this case is supposedly short for Hergotenbosch, though Bosch on its own means “the woods”. The deep, dark, unseen woods.

        The fun thing about Bosch is that we know virtually nothing about him. We don’t even know when he was born, people just guessed his age based on a self-portrait he did that looks sixty-ish. We know he came from a family of painters, but none of their paintings survive. And we know he was tied in with the Illustrious Brotherhood of Our Blessed Lady, a Catholic fraternity notable for worshipping a wooden statue of Mary and for their annual banquet of swans-meat. Another member was fellow artist Frans Crabbe van Espleghem, who signed his works with a drawing of a crayfish and created the most emo image of Jesus post-crucifixion I’ve ever seen (http://www.metmuseum.org/collection/the-collection-online/search/334663)

        1. Unreadaethel +46

          I really love that, given all of Bosch’s work, people looked at a self-portrait and assumed it was what he actually looked like.

          2. Unreadaethel +7

            “Ah yes, this is a self-portrait of an artist known for his stark realism and complete lack of terrifying whimsy. Clearly, we can rely on good ol’ Bosch to portray himself faithfully.”

  11. grantimusmax +147

    I feel like Bosch would be that guy at the party that seems really well put-together and calm and then he invites you over to see his collection of rare historical surgical instruments.

    1. Mrs_Peel +30

      Or that one Father Ted episode, where the seemingly normal priest invites Ted into his back room to see his collection of Nazi memorabilia.

      “Well, that’s my curiosity… satisfied”.

      1. onehundredthjen +5

        I always always skip this episode. Which is a shame, because there are many funny moments (Dougal’s hamster on a bicycle!), but it is just too much for me.

    2. MissCrystal +25

      That’s my kind of man. I’d fuck him after we spent an hour looking at it and discussing all sorts of other weird shit. But that’s just me.

      1. MissCrystal +7

        What are you saying SIR Anthony Hopkins isn’t put together? For shame. Regardless, Hannibal my kind of man as long as I’m not on the plate.

    6. hysterietta +29

      I feel like this is the place to mention that my brother just scored an old trepanning set at a garage sale.

        1. hysterietta +7

          He is indeed! He’s not very Hannibal-esque, but he’s definitely down for talking about weird shit.

    7. leahrobinn +35

      In the first episode of Michael Palin’s Sahara, he was talking to this English expat in Morocco, I think, and this eccentric but relatively normal looking old guy says, after church, “Oh, you have to come back to my place, you haven’t met Birdie.”

      And I mean, the delivery, I was definitely thinking Birdie was his shy but resilient wife or perhaps his secretary, but NO, Birdie was his pet rooster that lived in his richly-appointed flat and never went outside.

      And he just sat there, chatting to Michael Palin, interrupting to announce when Birdie was going to crow in an exasperated, world-weary way.

      I think that is what HB would have been like.

    8. Silvia +3

      Hey there is nothing wrong with a collection of rare historical surgical instruments!

  12. irishbreakfasttime +104

    hey girl do you want to come over and model for me sometime
    for my paintings
    i’ll pay you
    hmmmmm i might have plans
    when?
    hang on i gotta check with the oversized fish-bird that’s gonna be devouring you
    wait what?
    nah you just gotta lie in his mouth face first for like three hours
    you there
    i SAID i’d pay you

    1. Mrs_Peel +10

      That was probably me (though I was more into Edward Gorey style weirdness, and less into fish soldiers).

  14. Frumiosa +40

    Heironymous Bosch is glorious proof that hallucinogens were present and plentiful in the 16th-century Netherlands. Unless he was just hoarding all of them himself, which, yeah.

    1. Mrs_Peel +20

      Well, if you mixed your own paints back then (or stuck your brush in your mouth), you could get a pretty plentiful amount of lead, cadmium, mercury, etc…

  15. connorjoel +210

    THANK GOD for surrealist paintings minus the TEDIUM of 20th century surrealist drug narratives. THANK GOD FOR HIERONYMOUS BOSCH.

      1. Unreadaethel +17

        That’s one of my favorite things about medieval literature. All of the batshit crazy visions are completely unfiltered through a lens of ironic detachment and cynical self-awareness.

    1. blunderbusst +39

      1. Drink coffee (check)
      2. Listen to 600-year-old butt-music from hell (check)

      Now what am I going to do with my day?

    3. GoatseFanfic +14

      vaguely disappointed this didn’t turn out to be an impossibly terrible teenage punk band

    4. damanoid +54

      Just take that butt music off the shelf
      I’ll sit and listen to it by myself
      Today’s music ain’t got the same smell
      I like my butt music straight from hell

  17. hussified +29

    Every time I use my Bosch dishwasher, I think of what old Hieronymus would think of a kitchen appliance.

    1. Fancy_Pants +22

      I think he’d see it like this:

      The inside of a dishwasher is Hell.
      Humans are food stuck to the dishes.
      Soap suds are weird little bird-demons.

    2. elsamac +38

      i think if you look closely you’ll see he painted plenty of kitchen appliances

      but the dishwasher is shaped like an egg with some beasts in it

      and the coffeemaker is shaped like a flesh-sack with some beasts in it

      and the cooktop well you see where i am going with this

  18. MissCrystal +27

    Do you know I discovered Hieronymus Bosch? The liner notes of Savage Garden’s self tilted album. They used close ups from The Garden of Earthly Delights as the backdrop the lyrics were printed on. It was in black and white but still. 14 year old me spent hours looking at those liner notes while listening to the album. They even called their 1998 world tour The Future of Earthly Delights Tour and I saw them when they came to my area. I eventually got a poster of The Garden of Earthy Delights, hung it by my bed and then spent hours looking at it.

    3. aqueousmedium +4

      Heh. Dead Can Dance’s Aion for me, and now my internal soundtrack to all Hieronymous Bosch is sung by Brendan Perry.

    4. mistakesmade +1

      You all got terrible educations at your high schools! Why didn’t you learn about Bosch in at class?

  19. littlehuntingcreek +29

    When I look at art at the NGA here in Washington this weekend, I’ll just say to my husband, “Needs more fish soldiers”

  20. rookstone +14

    The pizza place in my home town had a Bosch print on the wall. I think it was The Garden of Earthly Delights, but I’m not sure. I know it was very weird and I’d always want to sit at the table closest to it so I could try to learn all the details. Pretty sure there were some winged fish somewhere in there, too.

    Pepperoni and winged fish have an important connection to one another in my childhood, at least.

  21. beaucoup1314 +9

    Why in ‘Cutting the Stone’ is that man wearing the Tin Man’s hat? The book on the the head I can roll with, but what’s with the ‘Wizard of Oz’ allusions?

    1. damanoid +44

      Word on the street is that the tin funnel, worn as a hat, symbolizes that the wearer is a fraudulent alchemist. The ostentatious misuse of paraphernalia demonstrates incompetence being flaunted as expertise. Similarly, the book on the nun’s head symbolizes false erudition, by suggesting that learning can be absorbed by mere proximity to literature.

      On its most straightforward level, the painting depicts a sort of faith-healing hucksterism which was practiced in the Renaissance just as it is today: the “expert” purports to cure the victim of illness, real or imaginary, by pretending to extract objects from the afflicted area through sleight of hand. However, Bosch includes additional alchemical symbolism that gives the imagery a secondary meaning. The gape-mouthed idiot in the chair is allowing the alchemist to extract his brain (metaphor!) in the hopes of acquiring the Philosopher’s Stone. Bosch was fascinated by alchemy and incorporated a lot of its symbolism into his art, but he also realized that the field was a haven for harmful quackery. The monk and nun attending the operation are probably intended to represent religious hucksterism. In summary, the painting cautions against falling prey to charlatanry of all types.

      However, even if the monk in the painting is a religious hypocrite and a fraud, I think we can all agree that he is rocking an amazingly stylish overcoat.

        1. damanoid +13

          I believe that’s where the idea of “head stone with magic powers” ties in. Medieval folklore held that the stone found in a toad’s head possessed a number of virtues, foremost among which was the ability to heal or warn of poison, not unlike the horn of the unicorn. However, whereas the unicorn’s horn would dramatically heat up and change color in the presence of poison, the less classy toadstone would just start to nervously sweat mucus. Nonetheless, nobles would pay big bucks for jewelry set with toadstones, as the danger of being poisoned was deemed more worrisome than being sweated on by a rock. It seems that many of these stones were actually fossil fish teeth.

          Alchemists also used the toad as a symbol for various types of transformation, although as far as I know, they did not literally use toadstones in their research. But Bosch would have been familiar with both the folklore and the symbolism. Interestingly, another painting attributed to Bosch,
          The Conjuror,          * depicts a mountebank dazzling a crowd with magic tricks while the audience is fleeced by pickpockets. His performance includes the classic cup-and-balls routine; but there is also some sort of toad-vomiting scenario being played out, a routine which modern conjurors have wisely dropped from their repertoire. Another interesting detail of the painting is a tiny dog wearing a costume, which suggests that Renaissance festivals are actually a whole lot more historically accurate than one might think, and also that Hieronymus Bosch anticipated the internet.

          In general, Bosch seems to be saying, “If anyone ever promises to work miracles, and this somehow involves a toad, hang onto your money and head for the hills.” Oddly, I’m given to understand that the migraine medication I’m taking is a synthetic analog of the toad-licking chemical. We’ve progressed so far since the days of alchemy, though. No doubt the claims of modern pharmaceutical companies are entirely legitimate. I’m sure it’s fine.

          *not to be confused with The Conjuring (2013), the absolutely true story of non-fraudulent paranormal investigators and their life-or-death battle of wills with a plush toy.

          1. Unreadaethel +7

            So it’s a toad-related medicine that’s supposed to help the pain in your head.

            Yeah, totally legit. Everything’s fine.

          2. Unreadaethel +3

            Also, I’m enjoying the pickpocket with the pince-nez, whose upward gaze mirrors the bird in the archway behind him. This must be significant somehow.

          3. beaucoup1314 +3

            I returned here thinking that I would merely forward this to a friend. Then I discover you’re giving a fabulous lesson! Thank you.

          4. damanoid +3

            Happy to be of service, though I should caution you to take my remarks above with a fair grain of salt. I ran across the alchemical interpretation of the painting in some textbook or other, which was keen on pointing out the allusions to alchemy throughout Bosch’s work. I myself am nowhere near knowledgeable enough to decipher Renaissance iconography with any confidence.

  22. anninyn +10

    I love Bosch. One of the things that cemented my husband and I was that he had a book about Bosch with colour prints of the art and I talked about it with him and we both loved Bosch.

    I just… I just love how he must have seen the world.

  23. Alexis +7

    THIS IS THE BEST ONE

    but not including the Hell triptych is a missed opportunity, dude

  24. somenerdygirl +7

    Man, that monk in the middle does NOT approve of cutting stones out of people’s heads. Or maybe he just thinks the Tin Man isn’t doing it right.

  25. crawlkill +11

    I deeply miss the “the.” the implication that “Heironymous” is a descriptive epithet was enormous.

  26. suejaymostest +15

    I signed up for intense debate just to tell you, Mallory Ortberg, how much I love you. It’s been raining here for, like, forever, and this Heironymous post made me postpone my decision to go on a muddy rampage against weather and all things water related. Thank you.

  27. eldritchhair +3

    OH MY GOD, I’m so unreasonably happy to see this! I celebrated my birthday yesterday by checking out an exhibit of works by followers of Bosch, all the while thinking that Mallory Ortberg’s jokes would pair splendidly with his sort of Netherlandish art. I was too preoccupied with my earthly revelries to catch this post earlier, but still, THANK YOU!

  28. MissCrystal +7

    Well it’s probably for the best he’s not Hannibal-esque. Hannibal is a great fantasy, nobody wants that in real life. But down for talking about weird shit, that’s awesome in the real world.

  29. Greta Christina +4

    My wife and I sometimes call our cat “bird” or “sugar bird.” I think now we’re going to start calling her “regular bird.”

    1. damanoid +6

      I foresee a YouTube video of a cat riding around on a Roomba decorated with dancing legs and fruit.

  30. William T +5

    Jeff Mangum must have saw this at one point and said “hey now there’s an idea”

  33. tylerhudsonblog +3

    Mallory, awesome post. I must’ve read it three times through, laughing more each time. Refreshingly humorous

  34. Tyler Hudson

    Mallory, awesome post. I must've read it three times through, laughing more each time. Refreshingly humorous

  37. hnayfeld +5

    I like to revisit this post every few months or so, just to remind myself of its utter brilliance. It never gets old.

  38. helenyeanay

    I like to revisit this post every few months or so, just to remind myself of its utter brilliance. It never gets old.