A List of Modern Relationships -The Toast

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Your roommate’s boyfriend

Stranger who commutes on the same bus as you

College classmate you pass on the street and blatantly ignore

Person who talks to you while you’re waiting in line

Strangers who you up-nod

Coworker who is mainly your coworker but is also maybe becoming your friend

Person whose name you know before you formally meet them

Friend of a friend you drunkenly added on Facebook

Person who is shopping in the same section of the store as you but who is not moving at the same speed as you

High school classmate you occasionally see on Facebook who was weird in high school but maybe you were just more judgmental then and maybe college did a lot of good for them and if you met now maybe things would be different and you’d be close

Older couple sitting next to you and your friends while you’re talking about sex

Person you refer to as “my friend” when telling stories but is actually just an online acquaintance

Person you refer to as “my friend” when telling stories but is actually someone you follow on Twitter who doesn’t know you exist but it feels like you guys would be friends, you know?

Intimidating acquaintance who sometimes acts like you’re friends and sometimes acts like they think you’re annoying and who you still kind of want to win over

New acquaintance who is quick to share the intimate details of their life even though you definitely did not need to know all of that

Overly friendly stranger who is actually pretty interesting but maybe also hitting on you

Acquaintance who only remembers one thing about you and asks you the same two questions every time you run into each other

Your friend’s older sibling who you’ve known since you were eight and who is now your peer until they get frustrated; then they are a Cool Teenager again and you are an Annoying Child

That Condescending Asshole. Doesn’t matter which one.

Regular customer who sees you outside of your customer service job and is noticeably confused

Drunk bathroom strangers who just get you and are totally on your side no matter what happens

High school classmate you see while waiting at a crosswalk and it makes you so flustered that you involuntarily turn around and walk in the wrong direction

Stranger who witnesses someone slight you and then makes knowing, what the fuck?! eye contact with you afterwards

Person you made out with who sort of hugs you when you see them but maybe you both should have just waved

People you will allow to take food off of your plate

People you will unapologetically fart in front of

Former coworker who clearly does not remember your name

Stranger whose dog you really want to pet

Ella Kampelman is a visual artist living in Minneapolis, MN. She promises none of these are about you.

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