Dirtbag Beowulf

by Mallory Ortberg · September 15, 2015

beowulf

HROTHGAR: ah, Beowulf
welcome to Heorot and the land of my people
we have heard of your deeds from across the sea

BEOWULF: yeah it’s no big deal I pretty much swam here

UNFERTH: Is’t so?
I heard you were bested by Breca in a swimming contest not three w–

BEOWULF: yeah actually I once held my breath for like a million hours
it was crazy
my friends weren’t even worried because I fight guys underwater like all the time
until it had been like two days
and then they were kind of nervous because I’d never held my breath that long before
but it was no big deal, I was just holding my breath

UNFERTH: I –

BEOWULF: yeah so I only lost to Breca because I was too busy beating up sea monsters
underwater
instead of swimming

UNFERTH: well
I suppose I–

BEOWULF: so how many Grendels have you killed so far, Unferth
anyone here who’s killed a Grendel raise your hand
that’s what I thought

GRENDEL: more like Gayowulf

BEOWULF: hey Grendel
say hi to your mom for me

BEOWULF: anyone here who’s killed a Grendel raise your hand
[he raises Grendel’s torn-off arm]
raise the hand of however many Grendels you’ve killed
hey Unferth
stop hitting yourself
stop hitting yourself with Grendel’s hand

UNFERTH: my lord, I should never have doubted you
and I’m sorry I – please stop doing that

BEOWULF: im not doing anything
im not even touching you
Grendel’s touching you

BEOWULF [skateboarding out of the mead-hall]: Hwætever

FIFTY YEARS LATER

DRAGON [dying]: more like
[coughs weakly]
Gayowulf

[Image via]

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58 Comments

    1. builtahouse +66

      I scrolled down to the comments fully expecting to see this as the first one and I was NOT DISAPPOINTED.

      1. threatqualitypress +87

        this is a pretty good coincidence because I have strongly been advocating for the return of “hwaet” as a really emphatic form of “what”

      2. maccrocodile +49

        I want all of this merchandise.

        Tote bags
        Coffee mugs
        Tee shirts
        Throw blankets
        Commemorative plates
        Skateboards

        I will buy them all.

          1. maccrocodile +55

            TOAST KICKSTARTER

            Dirtbag Beowulf: The Movie
            Starring: Some Teenagers and the Hwætever Skateboard.

    1. Rillquiet +83

      We can only hope you filled the Mallory-less time with the Better Myths version.

      and beowulf is like BITCH DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?
      I CAN PUNCH A HORSE SO HARD IT TURNS TO GOLD
      AND WHEN I COUGH
      KILLER BEES SHOOT OUT OF MY MOUTH
      I’M BEOWULF
      DO I NEED TO SPELL IT FOR YOU
      I HOPE NOT
      BECAUSE I NEVER LEARNED TO READ

      and Hrothgar is like
      well shit
      let’s party

      2. tiny_bookbot +19

        I did not! But I might next time. Albeit with a content warning because that is some VERY SAUCY LANGUAGE for some of my more sheltered students.

      3. GruntledDave +14

        Oh my god. I told my daughter the story of Beowulf when she was little, and I wish I had just had this to read, since it is WAY better!

  5. HotDoom +29

    So this is the apotheosis of my love for this website and Old English and I want to barf now, because this is so stinking perfect.

  11. damanoid +111

    UNFERTH: are you not that Beowulf who had a lame CG movie where Grendel’s mom was a hot babe in stiletto heels

    BEOWULF: um
    no
    that was some other guy

    UNFERTH: because I heard you were totally hot for Grendel’s mom

    GRENDEL: GUYS SHUT UP

  12. hussified +19

    This is literally making me want to read Beowulf again, and I’m pretty sure my copy accidentally found itself in the bottom of a trash can at the end of my high school freshman year.

  13. bighairnoheart +36

    Total truth. I only read Beowulf because my mother wouldn’t let me read her copy of Grendel when I was nine. Said I couldn’t until I read Beowulf. Guess what the first book eleven year old me checked out from the middle school library was?

    Apparently it spoke to my dirtbag preteenaged heart.

    1. Sean_Sullivan +70

      GRENDEL: [skateboarding out of lair] Take it sleazy, Ma.

      DRAGON: Ever heard of a rad dude by the name of…Schopenhauer? [puffs on clove cigarette] Don’t feel bad if you haven’t. He’s pretty deep.

      GRENDEL: [gesturing vaguely at meadhall] All this? It’s basically bullshit. Why doesn’t anyone see that?

      BEOWULF, ALUMNI INTERVIEWER: So you actually believe you’re Harvard material? You seem like just another skinny suburban lusus naturæ to me, but I’ll put in a good word for you with the admissions committee if you can summarize Bishop Berkeley’s Treatise while I twist your arm behind your back and mash your face into the wall.

      GRENDEL: Ow! F-fucking jock.

      BEOWULF: Terrible. [laughs] Terrible. [twists harder]

  16. arc315 +7

    I’m uncultured enough that when I read the word “Grendel”, I first think of Matt Wagner’s comic.

    (Hunter Rose was a completely amoral jerk, but not canonically a dirtbag as a teenager, I don’t think.)

  17. Unreadaethel +23

    BEOWULF [skateboarding out of the mead-hall]: Hwætever

    !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  18. BrieCS +16

    This brought me so much joy. I can’t even words how happy it made me. I imagine Beowulf with a backwards cap, the kind with the snappy bit to hold it together, a lock of hair poking through, wearing cargo shorts and a tie-dye shirt. Why tie-dye?

    Why not? It’s like, whatever.

    1. Rillquiet +5

      That’s pratically Old Internet, that file (you imagine that the fonecall Beowulf bemaccen wæs involved a landline). But it’s excellent for introducing some of the peculiarities of OE spelling and symbols

  22. cardigansandmetaphors +29

    My Brit Lit I project a year ago was writing a modern version of Beowulf where he was a frat boy trying to get famous on Vine (I called it Browulf) and I actually used Dirtbag Hamlet as an inspiration in my rationale.

    Everything has come full circle now.

  25. Sean Demory +8

    Beowulf, Grendel and Grendel’s mother were all described as “aglæca,” Anglo-Saxon for monster, abomination or wretch.

    So “dirtbag” is pretty much dead on.

  29. susan

    Oh man, I am SO NOT INTO teaching this lame- second-rate, punched-up-by-the-monks-as-propoganda epic only discovered and added to the Holy Canon in 1815 or so…Happy to have found this!