Dirtbag Beowulf -The Toast

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HROTHGAR: ah, Beowulf
welcome to Heorot and the land of my people
we have heard of your deeds from across the sea

BEOWULF: yeah it’s no big deal I pretty much swam here

UNFERTH: Is’t so?
I heard you were bested by Breca in a swimming contest not three w–

BEOWULF: yeah actually I once held my breath for like a million hours
it was crazy
my friends weren’t even worried because I fight guys underwater like all the time
until it had been like two days
and then they were kind of nervous because I’d never held my breath that long before
but it was no big deal, I was just holding my breath


BEOWULF: yeah so I only lost to Breca because I was too busy beating up sea monsters
instead of swimming

I suppose I–

BEOWULF: so how many Grendels have you killed so far, Unferth
anyone here who’s killed a Grendel raise your hand
that’s what I thought

GRENDEL: more like Gayowulf

BEOWULF: hey Grendel
say hi to your mom for me

BEOWULF: anyone here who’s killed a Grendel raise your hand
[he raises Grendel’s torn-off arm]
raise the hand of however many Grendels you’ve killed
hey Unferth
stop hitting yourself
stop hitting yourself with Grendel’s hand

UNFERTH: my lord, I should never have doubted you
and I’m sorry I – please stop doing that

BEOWULF: im not doing anything
im not even touching you
Grendel’s touching you

BEOWULF [skateboarding out of the mead-hall]: Hwætever


DRAGON [dying]: more like
[coughs weakly]

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