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Home: The Toast

SR21934WIFE OF BATH: listen pal
first of A, I’ve been getting married since I was twelve
so everyone who hasn’t been getting married since I was twelve kindly pipe down and listen
listen in a me of direction
second of ly, I’m a little tipsy so everyone in this story is going to be called Allison because I forget their real names

SUMMONER: okay–

WIFE OF BATH: shuttup Allison
this is my story
heads up so it’s better to be married than on fire right
we can all agree on that fire-wise
anyhow ive been married five times
ill do it again too
anyone here ready to ride the ride
think about this boys:
everybody loves virgins, right
well where do virgins come from
women who have had sex and give birth to virgins
like me truly
look, you’ve got – another one, barkeep, and maybe fill the glass all the way up to the top this time? – every house isn’t made of gold, okay
you’ve got the things that are made of gold, okay, that’s virgins
but you need
you need lead things and wood things and cloth things too
for a house
and God loves allofem
just because I’m not made of gold doesn’t mean I can’t be a plate
or a hold for candles
candles holder
we can’t all be virgins because then who would make virgins
WHO

PARDONER: no, no for sure, you’re right

WIFE OF BATH: DAMN RIGHT I’M RIGHT
im sorry
im sorry
i didn’t mean to yell at you
pardon me
hahahha
youre the pardoner
so you have to pardon me
do you see what

PARDONER: I do

WIFE OF BATH: d’you see what i mean
about the pardoning

PARDONER: yes

WIFE OF BATH: good good great
look, long and short of it is
whoever my husband is, he’s going to be getting it both ways
coming and going
morning and opposite of morning time
honestly here’s the deal: ive had five husbands
three good, two bad
here’s more deal: the good ones? i hated em
you know how when someone loves you, it’s disgusting?
it was like that
and do you know why my red dress never had any moths in it?
BECAUSE I NEVER TOOK IT OFF
anyhow gotta wrap this up
last husband, Jenkins, loved him, hope he goes to hell
he hit me in the ears, I set his library on fire, ultimately it all worked out and was the best marriage i ever had
anyhow he’s dead now
and i’ve got a space between my two front teeth
if you know what i mean
GENTLEMEN

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