A Day In The Life Of A Brooding Romantic Hero

by Mallory Ortberg · October 26, 2015

THE BAD MAN, WITH SECRETS, AND HIS SEX EYES: don’t love me ever

THE NERVOUS WOMAN WHO’S LEARNING A LOT: but I have to

THE BAD MAN, WITH SECRETS, AND HIS SEX EYES: you can’t do it, I’m the bad man
with the sex reasons, from before
i set Norway on fire once

THE LEARNING WOMAN: which part

THE BAD MAN: ooh all of it
before I met you I put women in cellars, boxes, night caves, kick them, hide them anyplace
now I don’t do that anymore

THE LEARNING WOMAN: because you were so bad to other women you will be especially good to this woman, me

THE BAD MAN: i don’t understand

THE LEARNING WOMAN: how much you couldn’t love before means how much you can love me now

THE BAD MAN: I’ll set you on fire like Norway
I’ve got a neck full of lying and secrets and disappointment and my eyes are full of tears and dead women, I’ve got cravats of wrongdoing and I wear them

THE LEARNING WOMAN: I will untie your cravats and your secrets

THE BAD MAN: don’t try to understand me

THE LEARNING WOMAN: I think I can understand you

THE BAD MAN: just whatever you do don’t come inside my house

THE LEARNING WOMAN: I feel strangely drawn to your house, can I come inside it and put my fingerprints all over your heart

THE BAD MAN: don’t try to learn my secrets

THE LEARNING WOMAN: what are your secrets, tell me all of them

THE BAD MAN: I’m full of bad things, but somehow I’ll be good for you

THE LEARNING WOMAN: you murdered other people but not me, that’s what love is

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.


135 Comments

  1. MameDC +93

    That might actually be what love is. If murder is a metaphor for, like, I don’t know. Something else. That is not murder.

  2. middlemarch +118

    OH MAAAAAAAN I SAW CRIMSON PEAK AND I LOVED IT AND NOW ALL I’M DOING IS WRITING GOTHIC HORROR/ROMANCE STORIES SET ON WOMEN’S COLLEGE CAMPUSES WITH LEARNING WOMEN AND MEN WHO SET NORWAY AFLAME

    1. MunchletteBelle +74

      I like the implication that it was only the freshness of youth that made him less murdery…

  8. robonyong +153

    “I’ve got cravats of wrongdoing and I wear them” is something I should say more often, to myself in the mirror, while I adjust my cravats with nefarious intent

        1. pseudonymia +23

          Has anyone kept a list of the Mallory-isms that would make delightful needlework projects?

          We have:
          cravats of wrongdoing
          bitches pick flowers furiously
          and a million others but my memory is terrible.

      1. robonyong +30

        now that you mention it, I’m surprised one doesn’t already exist.

        can I even call myself “an irresistible, compelling, inescapable and sagacious individual of mysterious and indistinct gender” if I am not possessing of cravats of wrongdoing? and yet, what am I if not?

        this afternoon of hunting horrifying glyphs has taken a turn.

  9. terriblytwee +36

    I just watched “Jane Eyre” b/c of Crimson Peak and now this. AND NOW THIS.

    MALLORYYYYYY.

      1. terriblytwee +15

        I’ve definitely read Rebecca but the movie is next on my “to watch” list!! I’m excited haha.

      1. terriblytwee +9

        I watched the 2011 version with Mia Wasikowska and Michael Fassbender. I actually quite liked it! Super suspenseful and anxious in parts… so the ending (which I knew) still felt out of place as heck!

        1. ToastiewithCheese +6

          That’s a good one! My personal favorite is probably the Joan Fontaine/Orson Welles one, even if it excises a lot (no St. John, for one). And the BBC miniseries with Ruth Wilson is exceedingly (and not very appropriately) steamy.

          1. terriblytwee +3

            I’m definitely open to adaptations! I’d be interested in seeing Orson Welles in that role, to be honest. The Wide Sargasso Sea has been recommended to me quite a bit now, so I’m going to check that out. 🙂 I’ve also been watching a LOT of BBC miniseries.. haha! I’m on a real tear right now

        2. MissBadcrumble +24

          Michael Fassbender: – Do you think me handsome?
          Jayne Eyre: – No, sir.
          LOLOLOLOLOLOOOLLL

          1. terriblytwee +13

            HAHA RIGHT? “No sir, I really hate jaws that look as if they were carved from granite”

          2. MissBadcrumble +10

            “… or eyes the color of a summer sky, or eyelashes like… like… I don’t know to what I shall compare thine DIVINE eyelashes” etc etc etc

  10. zoma +107

    The problem in a nutshell is the woman identifies with the bad man. The happy ending is if they both burn Norway down together.

    1. arlette +41

      The woman and Norway ought to murder the bad man and hide his body somewhere nobody thinks of, then rob banks together. THAT movie I would watch.

      1. MissBadcrumble +16

        Somebody please make that movie!

        They could hide the body in one of Norway’s fjords, there are so many.

      1. Irene +5

        Well, we know he at least has a cravat. Precisely where he’s wearing it is left as an exercise for the interested reader.

  13. Sulagna Misra +52

    I love this. I wish it was a whole book. Oh wait Rebecca

    Also, your posts about Crimson Peak-esque Byronic heroes is making me realize one of the reasons I feel nothing in the face of Tom Hiddleston is because I have dated a version of him. Less handsome (bc I mean, TH’s a movie star), but no less whinging and directionless and cowardly. Now it makes me recoil….

    Also: http://www.theawl.com/2013/10/ask-polly-these-tor…

    1. EnchiladaTaco +22

      My preferred Hiddles is Jolly Prince Hal Hiddles. That’s when I get his whole ****thing*****

  14. theyoungcynic +24

    Is it just me or does this also sound like an Old Skool 1970s romance novel? The kind with the fuchsia cover and the Fabio hair?

    1. lesliejroot +12

      I was gonna say “Highland” or medieval historical romance novels, but yeah, basically.

      1. Unreadaethel +12

        Ah, the broodsome Highland Laird, with his cringe-worthy accent, violent outbursts, and rapiness.

    1. swords-and-spindles +12

      Idk, when he mentioned “I set Norway on fire once” I got a black-metal-ish vibe and had to picture The Bad Man as Varg Vikernes.

    2. femaelstrom +33

      Hannibal: “Will, definitely DON’T come visit me in prison 😉 it’ll definitely be SUPER bad for you and I care SO MUCH about your well-being 😉 definitely don’t come visit my neck full of lying and secrets and disappointment. xoxo, your murder husband.”

      (whyyoualwayslyin.gif)

  18. quietest +48

    The trick to a good brooding romantic hero is no corpses.

    No corpses or previous abuse of women – just brooding. In a tower or something. Maybe not a rotting haunted house. That isn’t actually particularly sexy.

  20. splitbrainwitch +127

    This sounds perfect, you are a man with a buttload of wealth and privilege who lacks nothing but love and I am a woman with no sociopolitical power or resources and TONS of surplus love because my parents died when I was a tiny child, where do I sign

  21. EnchiladaTaco +59

    *Quietly puts aside Amanda Quick e-novel*

    I have no idea what you are talking about. I have never read any such thing.

    1. cleoreads +8

      Amanda Quick’s heroes don’t really brood though. Well, maybe they brood but they’re not murder-y or rapey or violent broody heroes, just smart and strong and misunderstood. (Amanda Quick kept me sane during grad school so I have great affection for her broody but non assholeish heroes and smart, quirky heroines).

  22. phoebejaneway +30

    As in times of yore we read “Dirtbag Karl Marx” in Moss’s voice, even thus today shall we read “Brooding Romantic Hero” in Roy’s “God I’m a bastard” voice.

    1. champagneghost +55

      don’t worry, they happened to be fulfilling their lifelong dreams of visiting Hobbiton that day. they are safe and still happily framing tiny stamps

    2. jimmyjimjimjim +51

      They hid in the snow. Snow is extremely hard to light on fire. From what I understand the inability to light snow on fire was the primary reason the Nazis lost WW2.

      2. Unreadaethel +23

        Also, a profound lack of understanding about passive-aggressive stubbornness. “Oh look, that thing you made us build fell down. Such a shame we are but poor simple Norwegian Bachelor Farmers, with no construction skills at all.”

  25. MunchletteBelle +49

    Uggghhhhh but this is technically the highest form of romantic love that I believe in. (For fictional people, I mean.)

    It is right up there with, “I am going to lock you in a tower/basement until you learn to love my hideous face/tortured past, etc.”

    2. summerestherson +23

      Have you read Uprooted by Naomi Novik? It’s a great YA novel that starts out with “girl must live in tower alone with mysterious and gruff man because reasons” and then goes to all kinds of fun places from there!

      1. quietest +11

        I just finished this, and it was SO GOOD – but I totally didn’t realize it was YA. It gets uh pretty graphic in one or two spots, but I’m not up on my YA so maybe that’s the norm.

        1. kilks401 +8

          YA novels can get graphic, but Uprooted isn’t generally considered YA, at least not that I’ve seen.

          and yes, it is very good.

          1. summerestherson +17

            I didn’t think it was YA either! But I have a friend who runs a YA book blog and writes for HuffPo YA and she told me it was! I don’t know! The law is inside out; the world is upside down!

            Either way, I just finished it too! And am slightly obsessed??? I realize and appreciate that the book was about more than the romantic relationship, but apparently I am trash and was just going “This is great but give me MORE SEXUALLY CHARGED HANDHOLDING AND SPELLCASTING IMMEDIATELY! FURTIVE GLANCES -BRING THEM UNTO ME.”

          2. celery +8

            It’s not shelved in YA in Barnes and Noble, but I can see it crossing the divide pretty easily.

            I am so glad I’m not alone with this. I loved that book and everything it did, but also, that is the hardest I’ve ‘shipped something in a long, long time. “Yes, it’s great what you’re doing with the manipulation of centuries of fairy-tale tropes, and I love your thematic exploration of heroism, but what I really want is for them to kiss right now. WHAT DO YOU MEAN they’re still denying the palpable sexual tension?!”

          3. summerestherson +6

            MY PEOPLE! LET US ALL BE TRASH TOGETHER.

            Seriously, I don’t know why, but this relationship made me all hand-flappy with a big, goofy grin on my face. I was trying to figure out why exactly, and I think it’s partially b/c Naomi Novik is involved in fanfic? So she knows how to effectively press all of the right buttons to produce maximum squee.

          4. lisakennelly +13

            Uprooted was SO good. I am trash right with you. I got to the end and was like, that’s ALL the steamy scenes we get???

          5. quietest +10

            I actually got (internally) mad at someone on Twitter because they read it and and were like ‘why the need to force a romance into the book’

            WHAT.
            NO.
            IT IS EVERYTHING.

    3. quietest +20

      I’ll just leave these here then. Just in case.

      fantasy/paranormal
      Master of Crows – Grace Draven
      Firelight – Kristen Callihan
      Uprooted – Naomi Novik
      Soulless – T. Baggins (M/M)
      Prince of Hearts – Margaret Foxe
      Kiss of Steel – Bec McMaster

      & a regency bonus: A Rogue By Any Other Name – Sarah McLean

      (I like my brooding heroes to still be redeemable, so these may not be the best if you want your brooding heroes to be really, really, really broodingy)

      2. deenuhh +4

        Master of Crows is so so so good ❤️ definitely checking out the other titles I’m not familiar with that you’ve listed! Thank you!

        1. quietest +2

          Another Martise and Silhara fan? <3 It’s my favorite romance, and archtypal broody relationship.

          Have you read the followup stories? They’re tiny, but she’s done a couple now.

    4. Unreadaethel +13

      I read far too many gothic novels at an impressionable age, and it’s caused some problems.

      2. gothicfemale +2

        Same. I had to make my current partner watch the Jane Eyre miniseries so he would have a little sliver of understanding of how messed up my romantic life/expectations have been.

    1. Jordan +14

      Oh my gosh, have you read Uprooted? Because there are actually more horrifying ways for women trees to grow…

  27. Prawns +4

    This is a redesign note on this article only: Having the names appear as all-caps and bold makes it more difficult to pick out the actual dialogue. This is on top of the lightness of the new font.

    I don’t know if anyone else is having this problem.

    1. malloryelis +8

      Oh, that’s just something I’ve always done when I write dialogue, that’s not part of the redesign.

      1. lindanlee +1

        It would read better if you kept the all-caps but lose the bold. And, my little trick is to condense the font so my lengthy descriptive role title isn’t longer than the actual dialog.

  28. melissavw +32

    this is absolutely the abstract of every single script kristen stewart’s agent has ever sent her way.

    1. summerestherson +38

      But let’s think about how great it would be if K.Stew were playing The Bad (Wo)Man with Secrets and Sex Eyes instead of the Learning Woman. It would be most great.

  29. ofTrebond +67

    How will I feel special when he doesn’t murder me if not-murdering is something he does for everyone?

    1. femaelstrom +15

      This is, sadly, a more extreme version of my usual relationship pattern/attraction style.

  31. alula_auburn +23

    This reminds me a lot of the Billionaire Dinosaur romance rewrite at SBTB.
    “You don’t understand. The ice age is. . .in me.”
    “Put your arms around me, my love.”
    “I can’t! I mean, my arms are literally too short.”

    I’m not sure if this means I need to be reading more ACTUAL Gothic (or at least Wilkie Collins) or fewer snarky romance reviews.

  33. Linette +37

    I just imagined Mallory saying, “I’ll burn you down like Norway,” in her husky Mallory voice and I have now collapsed on this chaise someone bring me smelling salts.

    1. Nausikaa +16

      A few days ago I smashed one of my beautiful white round maidenly taper fingers in a door and have since done nothing but watch the miniseries of North and South which I had never seen before; I have THOUGHTS but am at least a week late to the party.

      1. Nausikaa +9

        I really liked it but don’t approve of the scene of Thornton beating up the worker for smoking; you can’t take a character who never beats anyone up and have him beat someone to a pulp in the first scene without changing the character a lot. Also Thornton literally doesn’t smile until the last scene of the movie, and in the book, even when he has lost his money and his factory and everything, and thinks Margaret is going to marry Henry, he still laughs at a joke Henry makes, because in the book he has a sense of humor and doesn’t just brood and glower all the time. Other than that I loved it. The last scene was super anachronistic but I can’t find it in my heart to condemn it.

        1. Unreadaethel +7

          The problem is that in the book, he has lots of rage and turmoil and misery in his internal monologue, but you can’t portray an internal monologue visually, so you just have to take some of his inner rage and make it outer rage.

          1. Nausikaa +5

            That’s true, but I think they took it too far. If he never smiles, how do we know he’s capable of it? And how do we differentiate those moments of genuine emotional turmoil – like that moment in the book when he’s said something cruel to Margaret and wants to apologize but can’t because they’re in public, and he’s so upset he wishes he could hit her, because then he could apologize for hitting her – from Thornton’s usual glowering broodiness?

          2. Unreadaethel +12

            This is true. The miniseries made him much more of a Bronte hero than a Gaskell hero, and didn’t really do a wonderful job of establishing why Margaret would ever come to the conclusion that he’s a kind, wonderful man. I’m just going to come right out admit that I had a hard time caring, because Richard Armitage glowers so handsomely. Especially in a cravat.

            I also think there’s some interesting discussion to be had about the way Victorian sentimentality translates to a modern audience, particularly masculine sentimentality. So much of the inner monologues of all of the characters seem ridiculous from a 21st-century perspective, and I’m really not sure how well a fully accurate John Thornton would work on screen, especially against the industrial backdrop of Milton.

  36. SwitchingGenres +6

    This is exactly my relationship with this one ex/friend I’ve known for years… probably time to fix that.

  38. OliviaPJones +26

    This is my EXACT PROBLEM with vampire/human romances (aside from 200 year old men somehow finding 16 year old girls to be the be-all-end-all, because that’s not creepy, right?)! “Darling, before I met you, I murdered tons of women. Tons of them. Just because I could. Now I’m mostly broody.”
    “You could never hurt ME, darling! I understand you like no one else and now you’ve learned to be human via your love for me! Let’s date.”
    “Ok, yeah.”

  39. Rianne +14

    “You murdered other women but not me. That’s what love is.”

    Last week, at a Twilight screening: “Every time a man doesn’t murder you, ‘thank you'”.

    This is a disturbing theme.

  40. Aimee +8

    Oh my god ok so this girl I’ve been seeing just dumped me last night and I swear she thought it would go way more like this. But she wore an obnoxious trilby instead of a cravat of wrongdoing and drank too much rather than burned Norway. But ugh, the stoic “I’m bad, doll, all bad!” attitude was defo there.

  41. asherat +17

    I am depressingly certain that I had this exact conversation many times with my last boyfriend. Also I recently discovered that an on-again off-again thing of mine hid a wife from me for two years. So I am apparently actually living in a 19th century gothic romance.

  43. MissBadcrumble

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    I can scream some spelling rules at you too if you'd like!
    Here's a free sample: THE ONLY SWEDISH UMLAUTS ARE Å, Ä AND Ö!!!! NOW DON'T YOU EVER FORGET IT!!
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