Twix – Irish Cream, as they are largely the same thing to begin with.
Pumpkin/Ghost Peeps – Vodka and cranberry so as to not immediately die of sugar shock.
Smarties – Mateus Rosé. Both are slightly fizzy on the tongue and a Rosé won’t overpower the Red Dye No.3.
York Peppermint Patty/Junior Mints – A Castilla y León that you can buy at a gas station.
Dum Dums – An Old Fashioned. Skip the garnish and use the lollipop as a stirrer. You’re the fun parent!
Red Hots – German Riesling. The brightness cuts through the treacly sweetness and cinnamon burn.
Tootsie Rolls – IPA or pale ale.
SweeTarts – Literally any Italian red. Does it have olive trees on the bottle? A stone church tower? You’re good.
Kit Kat/Three Musketeers/Butterfinger – South American Malbec.
Snickers – Beaujolais. Did you know Snickers were sometimes included in Sundries Packs given to Vietnam War platoons? Explain this to your disinterested children as they battle for the full-sized bar.
Atomic Fireballs – Tequila.
Almond Joy – That Chardonnay that comes in a tetra pack at about $8.99 a liter. Assertive and blunt enough to dull the cardboard coconut edge of an Almond Joy that’s been sitting in the back of a storage closet for six months.
Swedish Fish – Gin and tonic. Contemplate how adult you are for preferring a duet of sour and tart to the baser pleasures.
Whoppers/Milk Duds – Dry stout beer. Guinness will do.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Pumpkins – A medium to dry sherry, like an Amontillado. You probably have a bottle in the pantry. Serve on the rocks.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Minis – Tawny port. We don’t know why it’s different than what you drink with Reese’s pumpkins, it just is.
Twizzlers – Cava or any non-champagne sparkling white. Champagne only if it comes in a can.
Candy Corn – Give your candy corn to someone who actually likes candy corn. Drink their shameful enjoyment like an ancient herbal liquor.
John Leavitt is a cartoonist, writer, director, and illustrator, His cartoons and illustrations have appeared in: The New Yorker, The Chronicle Review, The New York Press, The Common Review, The Journal Of Science Fiction and Fantasy, Narrative Magazine and elsewhere. He has worked with Molly Crabapple to produce posters for The Electronic Frontier Foundation and others.