Queer Girl Pick-up Strategies That Rarely Work Yet Are Replicated Incessantly, in Haiku -The Toast

Skip to the article, or search this site

Home: The Toast

Perfect the art of
leaning on things. Once mastered,
hook thumbs into jeans.

Drink excessively
the whole night. When she’s nearby,
talk a lot louder.

Say “Hi.” Before she
can respond, run outside and
hail a taxi home.

Name obscure “shipping”
reference. When she does not
get it, run away.

Buy Tipping the Velvet.
Don’t give it to her! Hope
she gets the “message.”

Knit your feelings for
her using symbols culled from
dream dictionaries.

Visit a witch store.
Not for spells, just to support
local queer business!

Tell her how you feel …
in Caesar cipher morse code
sent to PostSecret.

Hack her Netflix so
your fave films show up. Post “fate”
quotes on Pinterest.

Learn how to play pool.
Then how to ignore all who
distract from your game.

Write an acrostic
poem that spells out her first
name in Navajo.

Send her a text with
emojis of a peach and
dancing bunny girls.

Meet crush. Think she’ll make
the first move. She thinks you will.
Both die celibate.

When the bar plays
Tegan and Sara, nod your head
more vigorously.

Go to Trader Joe’s
any day but Saturday.
(That’s just good advice.)

Write a haiku book
(with cats).* Fill with deep longings.

The Lesbian Sex Haiku Book (with Cats!) comes out in April and cats everywhere are already disinterested and sleeping on your laptops like they always do. Sign up for Anna’s newsletter for more info, more haikus, and more transference.

Add a comment

Skip to the top of the page, search this site, or read the article again