Your 2015 Advent Calendar

by Mallory Ortberg · December 2, 2015

Day I

You open the first window. Now something is open that wasn’t before. What else is opening that you don’t know about?

Day II

You open another. So many eyes, ready to wake up. What will happen when they’re all open and looking at you?

Day III

You can’t stop something that wants to be born. What’s in that wants to be out. Open the next window.

Day IV

Your hand is something a window uses to open itself.

Day V

Close a door, open a window. Close a window, open a door. What’s out can still get in. What’s in can still get out.

Day VI

Today’s window was already open before you got up. Wasn’t that thoughtful?

Day VII

Light a candle today. You do not know what day the Lord will come. You must look everywhere.

Is it now? Is it here? Light a candle.

Day VIII

“Be sure of this: If the master of the house had known the hour of night when the thief was coming, he would have stayed awake and not let his house be broken into. So, too, you also must be prepared, for at an hour you do not expect, the Son of Man will come.” What else don’t you expect?

Day IX

Time passes with or without your consent. Open a window.

Day X

You can fast in expectation. Would you like to fast? You’ll fast. You didn’t want to eat anyways. You avoid the fridge. It’s humming so loudly. You need to keep your focus.

Day XI

Penance and expectation. What will you ask forgiveness for first?

Day XII

Sic transit gloria mundi. Sic transit you.

Day XIII

“You know the time,” Paul writes. “It is the hour, now, for you to awake from sleep.” What else is waking up?

Day XIV

Redeem the time, for the hour is evil.

Day XV

So many things have to die before the year dies. So many things have to die for other things to be born. Newer things are coming.

Day XVI

Eating less means wanting less. Eating nothing means wanting nothing. Want nothing, want nothing, want nothing, but expect everything.

Day XVII

What are you letting come in?

Day XVIII

Open a window.

Day XIX

Open a window.

Day XX

Open a window.

Day XXI

Where will you go, when everything is open? Will anything be open for you? Something’s coming in, which means something else will have to go out. Make way. (Everyone has to make way for the risen Lord. There is room, but not for you.)

Day XXII

“I have the right to do anything,” you say – but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything” – but not everything is constructive.” But the right is still there.

Day XXIII

Something is coming out! Something is waking up! Something is coming in! Will you welcome it?

Day XXIV

Will you welcome it?

Day XXV

Hello.

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

110 Comments

  4. TimTamGirl +105

    Am I the only one who’s a little glad/relieved to see that religion is still a source of jokes here? I feel like there’s been heaps of Serious God Talk lately, and while I get that that’s valuable to some readers… I’ll just say that I’m happy to see the balance being redressed a bit.

        1. thesaureye +16

          I’m not trying to be mean, but it’s really hard to have fun with this stuff when there’s people keeping a tally of every single joke and demanding that a quota of anti-religious content be met.

          1. TimTamGirl +22

            Is that what I did? I had had no idea there was a conversation about this in the Open Thread – only just found it thanks to the link below – so I can see how it might look like I was piling on if you thought I was a part of that too. But I also thought that my comment was very mild (I was careful to ensure that) and not at all anti-religion, and it still got deleted, so apparently it’s a way more sensitive topic here than I thought.

            ETA: Without my original comment, this thread makes absolutely no sense. It’d be quite funny, really, if it weren’t for the fact that I’m cranky the first one got deleted for no reason I could see. Ah well, the moderators move in mysterious ways their wonders to etc.

          2. NicoleCliffe +20

            I do not think it got deleted, it got reported by someone which often deletes things temporarily, and I just came home to re-approve it, but it is not in the trash.

          4. NicoleCliffe +28

            (My PERSONAL suspicion is that it got thrown back into moderation automatically because someone reported it, at which point one of the admins said nah, bc it would have looked like it was not by a regular commenter, and basically no drive-bys get approved. I would have been fine with that comment by a real commenter, like yourself, but would not have bothered to approve it if it came over the transom from a burner account.)

            The More You Know rainbow

          6. NicoleCliffe +13

            My pleasure! We obviously have a very GUILLOTINE moderation policy, but this is definitely not the sort of thing I would take umbrage at from an established Toastie, and I wouldn’t want you to think otherwise.

          7. celery +29

            I think it’s harsh to say that people are “keeping a tally” and “demanding a quota.” I’m happy that we have a comment section where people can express their discomfort with the content, even in such a sensitive area as religion–as a Catholic, I know I can easily be blind to when there’s an excessive amount of Serious Religious Stuff happening. (I also love the religious humor, so there’s that)

      2. lrljhnsn +8

        wait this posted strangely. anyway.

        ETA: i was not an official commenter as my real self at that point in time, but i say “we” because i have lots of feelings and at least one IRL friend who was very involved. okay, seeing myself out.

  6. threatqualitypress +35

    From its long slumber woke
    all doors are open to it
    all souls unshuttered
    the days are short
    the nights are long
    it is arrived

  7. Julia Lambert +23

    You are the fucking worst, Mallory.

    (This is brilliant, and I say this with admiration, but you are also just the worst.)

    3. shellygrrl +31

      Either her or Lionel Ritchie. Or BOTH.

      “Hello!” / “Hello.”

      “Is it me you’re looking for?” / “It’s me.”

  10. zachariahary +207

    I’m beginning to wonder if Mallory is able to meaningfully distinguish between humor and horror, between joyful laughter and the shrill cachinnations of a person scrabbling to light a candle before the darkness descends permanently.
    Either way, she sees that our bodies are shaking and tears are flowing easily down our faces.
    Either way, she has power over us.
    Mirth and terror are just two sides of the same coin.

        1. irreverantontheinternet +84

          She sees you when you’re sleeping, she knows when you’re awake, she knows how to tap into your darkest most arcane fears so you’ll never be safe for goodness sake…

  12. grumblyqueer +15

    Every Day
    Mediocre chocolate in varying shapes that tastes the same wherever you get it, be that Trader Joe’s or Target. The taste of waxy cocoa is nostalgic now.

  13. bighairnoheart +12

    Gotta say, I like this a lot more than the chocolate. This how my kinda folks do advent.

  15. bookaholicgirl +48

    “Sic transit gloria mundi. Sic transit you.”

    I so often want to use this phrase in daily conversation, as in “Sic transit gloria cake”, but then I realize that a) most people around me will have no idea what I’m talking about, and b) my explanations would only get me bemused looks from my loved ones. SO PASSES AWAY THE GLORY OF THE CAKE! THE CAKE IS GONE! I ATE THE LAST PIECE AND IT WAS DELICIOUS! “Yes, dear…”

    1. Kwyjor +24

      “Sic transit gloria cake”

      Dag. I’m going to have to use that one. People often seem to have no idea what I’m talking about anyway. Sic transit gloria comment.

    2. Nausikaa +6

      Like the end of “The Life and Death of Colonel Blimp,” where the camera pans over a tapestry reading “Sic transit gloria Candy.”

  16. unleavings +18

    Of course Mallory posts this AFTER I’ve started my advent calendar. Of course. No sleep until Christmas.

    1. Perdita McLeod +13

      Mmmm, sounds like you better get all your sleeping done before you finish that calendar, you may not have the opportunity after you open that last door. ¯_(ツ)_/¯

      1. unleavings +10

        I stand corrected. No sleep until Christmas, eldritch apocalypse after. Christmas itself will be unspeakable.

  17. fcjaugusta +71

    So I am a real live New Testament PhD student, and I can say with expertise that Paulthulhu would be amazing.

    1. beachlass +18

      I was just looking at DMin projects. Do you think the Toast counts as Building Beloved Community?

      1. apple_pi +37

        I got told in my “Gender and World Religion” class (which should have been called “Feminism, Feminism, and Yet More Feminism, Hahaha It’s Futile, Seminary Bros, We’ll Make Feminists of You All Before the End of the Semester”) that I would need to also be loud about my feminism outside “the website you referred to so often in your reading responses, The Toast.” So, yes.

  18. crawlkill +52

    I haven’t looked back through the record to verify this but I strongly suspect the simpler the title of one of Mallory’s articles the more likely it is to keep us awake at night

  19. beachlass +19

    You know, all the DIY advents crafty calendars I found on pinterest were a little twee.. But THIS!

  23. LacaunaKale +24

    And five of them were wise, and five were foolish. They that were foolish took their lamps, and took no oil with them: But the wise took oil in their vessels with their lamps. While the bridegroom tarried, they all slumbered and slept. And at midnight there was a cry made…..

    1. Unreadaethel +20

      And they that were wise cried loudest of all, for they could see what was hidden to they that were foolish, and they wept to see it.

  24. Linette +26

    Did you intentionally match the first 22 up with the major arcana or does your power naturally encompass all religions and every god?

    1. nicole_44 +12

      I do not understand what you mean by this (besides something something tarot), but would gladly read an explanation.

  25. lesliejroot +6

    I’m just grateful this didn’t come out on a Monday morning, like the Children’s Stories Made Horrific all seem to.

  28. extrayarn +21

    Suddenly extremely happy to be raising a Jewish child and therefore have no need for Advent calendars.

    But what will be awoken when we light the Eighth Candle?

  29. daisymerolling +16

    I was lying in bed wondering what would make Advent even more suspenseful, since being Catholic apparently enough.
    now I realize I needed The Yellow Wallpaper-esque language to constantly creep around the room.

  30. Mara +15

    My birthday is on December 23rd, and can I just say that I am extremely pleased/terrified/concerned? that this is my day’s thing: Something is coming out! Something is waking up! Something is coming in! Will you welcome it?

    And this year is one of those Important Birthdays (you know, one of those ending in either 0 or 5, because NUMBERS), and I’m going to be the DM for an RPG with my friends, and there will be a DRAGON, and I feel like this needs to be incorporated somehow. Hmmmm

    2. Amanda +3

      I feel you. This is my birthday, ruined:

      Day XV

      So many things have to die before the year dies. So many things have to die for other things to be born. Newer things are coming

  31. Unreadaethel +49

    I would like to share a poem, written by the former Archbishop of Canterbury, which I think goes quite nicely with this piece:

    Advent Calendar

    He will come like last leaf’s fall.
    One night when the November wind
    has flayed the trees to the bone, and earth
    wakes choking on the mould,
    the soft shroud’s folding.

    He will come like frost.
    One morning when the shrinking earth
    opens on mist, to find itself
    arrested in the net
    of alien, sword-set beauty.

    He will come like dark.
    One evening when the bursting red
    December sun draws up the sheet
    and penny-masks its eye to yield
    the star-snowed fields of sky.

    He will come, will come,
    will come like crying in the night,
    like blood, like breaking,
    as the earth writhes to toss him free.
    He will come like child.

    My church choir sang a remarkably unsettling setting of this. You could really hear the flaying and the crying.

    2. freshwaterpearl +7

      Is there a video of Rowan Williams reading this, because his Eyebrows Of Doom would really complement the text nicely

      (I really like this poem a lot, thank you for posting it!)

      1. Unreadaethel +6

        It seems likely. There definitely is, however, video of the creepy-as-hell choral version we sang.

        Like blood
        like breaking

        *stretch, tear, rrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiip*

        1. Chickie

          Do you have the composer or something? That link isn’t working for me and I’m super intrigued.

    4. whollyword +18

      My favorite Advent poem, which gets at the creepiness of all the season’s apocalyptic readings, and which is very Ortbergian:

      truth
      By Gwendolyn Brooks

      And if sun comes
      How shall we greet him?
      Shall we not dread him,
      Shall we not fear him
      After so lengthy a
      Session with shade?

      Though we have wept for him,
      Though we have prayed
      All through the night-years—
      What if we wake one shimmering morning to
      Hear the fierce hammering
      Of his firm knuckles
      Hard on the door?

      Shall we not shudder?—
      Shall we not flee
      Into the shelter, the dear thick shelter
      Of the familiar
      Propitious haze?

      Sweet is it, sweet is it
      To sleep in the coolness
      Of snug unawareness.

      The dark hangs heavily
      Over the eyes.

  32. nicolescchung +27

    “So many eyes, ready to wake up” is when my nightmares began.

    (I have trypophobia. Do not google it. DO NOT.)

          1. Nausikaa +8

            I did the same thing, and now I’m like, well, I didn’t have it until about two minutes ago…

    2. EuterpesDelight +2

      And now I know what the revulsion I had to the regular hole grid some kind of critter used to cut into my cousin’s trees was. Thanks, I guess?

  33. ladyimogen +60

    A church on my daily commute has changed its sign.

    “A child will come in unexpected places.”

    I find this incredibly ominous. Please advise on best methods to avoid the unexpected arrival of children. I have already committed to forgoing sleep and gluing my eyelids open, and have designed a headband with many mirror attachments to look behind and above me. But I am very afraid of what may be happening inside me.

    1. logicbutton +25

      Do not open any cereal boxes, do not lift the lids of toilets, do not put your hands in your pockets.

  34. friendofdaja +17

    I can only hope the producers of that new Krampus movie will do what’s right and use this in all their previews.

  36. floridagal1 +22

    And what rough beast/its hour come round at last/slouches towards bethlehem to be born?

    Mallory and Yeats are on the same page.

    1. godzillasflyingpizza +8

      <gasp!> Your name! Your pic! You, too, are an Edward Gorey fan! Well of course you would want this. The sense of vague dread and impending doom of unknown origin is the same. Of course, we all know Mallory is a Gorey fan too (see How To Tell If You’re In An Edward Gorey Book), so this makes sense.

      Also! If you like this sort of existential horror mixed with whimsy, check out this game I like called Fallen London, a browser-based choose-your-own-adventure sorta text-based massively single-player rpg set in a Victorian London, which was sold to something called The Bazaar and magically transferred underground, near Hell. Quite near. There are also squid people. And cats that know secrets. You learn the secrets of the world and go mad, etc. Also you can sell your soul, if you get duped into it. (Sometimes, more than once.)

      Coincidentally, they’re doing an advent calendar in-game right now as well, and I truly hope it turns out as dark as this. Certainly the in-game holiday, Sacksmas, is pretty dark. Instead of Santa, there’s a space-bat who works for/is part of The Bazaar named Mr Sacks who goes around without warning, with his Sack, and if you put something he likes in it, he’ll give you a mysterious gift in return, and if you don’t, he’ll simply take *you* instead. And then you’ll die. Or go insane. Six of one, half a dozen of the other, really.

  39. swords-and-spindles +11

    I have the terrible urge to text this, one by one, daily, at my best friend, until she’s utterly terrified of Christmas. I love this.

  41. whollyword

    I am unreasonably freaked out by how the shadow of the head and hat moves, while the head and hat themselves do not appear to.

    Maybe that's reasonable? I CAN'T TELL ANYMORE.

  42. MythReindeer +4

    If one were to change “Lamb of God” to “Old Henry,” then we’d have an interesting depiction of what Mr. Kimball is up to in his newly free time.

  44. littleinfinity

    ooh happy birthday!

    My day is the 6th:
    Today’s window was already open before you got up. Wasn’t that thoughtful?

    considerate yet pleasantly terrifying! thanks, nameless entity without form 😀