“Dick In A Box” Is The Most Romantic Christmas Song

by Nicole Cliffe · December 22, 2015

Are you unfamiliar with “Dick In A Box”? Here you go. This is a very romantic Christmas song for people with dicks or who enjoy dicks, probably less so for others. If you don’t enjoy dicks, think of this as a present more akin to your cat bringing you a dead mouse, and just try to feel that vibe instead.

Now, this is not everyone’s jam, I respect that. Not everyone’s aunt and godmother picks them up at the Belleville, Ontario train station for national holidays already bumpin’ Lonely Island CDs. Aunt Peggy hasn’t missed an episode of SNL since the 1970s, and she has a PRD (pre-rolled doobie) with your name on it come Saturday night. But that’s how my family rolls, and I proceed with that in mind.

Now, why is “Dick In A Box” so romantic?

Girl you know we’ve been together / such a long, long time

This is a long-term relationship! He didn’t just meet this girl on Tinder yesterday! This is not just an excuse to show her his dick! She knows that dick. She’s on that dick all the time! No. This is a romantic statement about mature love.

(Wooow) You know it’s Christmas and my heart is open wide

See, some people are able to really express their emotions. For them, the holidays are about feelings. He’s seeing all this seasonal shit, and it means something to him! He doesn’t need to remain a prisoner of toxic masculinity: his heart is open, wide.

ed65eb962fe30b7d201a4deb0f26f5ba-4 This could be you, but your man went to Jared like a sheep.

Not gonna get you a diamond ring / that kind of gift don’t mean anything

Marriage is not for everyone, you know? He doesn’t need a ring or a piece of paper to express how he feels about his woman. Not our boy. Are they poly? Maybe. He strikes me as a one-woman man, though.

Not gonna get you a fancy car / girl, you gotta know you’re my shining star

Capitalism wants you to THINK that material possessions are the best way to show your love. “Dick In A Box” subverts that paradigm. This woman is his shining star! It would demean her, and his love, to give her a trinket, or to surrender to some TV commercial with a Lexus with a red bow on it. Laugh at him if you must: he’s not putting money in the pockets of Big Oil or Big Blood Diamond. Motherfucker is doing arts and crafts for his beloved.

Many of us, male or female, straight or gay, have complained that our partner didn’t put the work in to select a present for us. That it wasn’t “real.” Perhaps it was from a list we gave them. Perhaps our best friend told them what to buy. Perhaps it was from a Gawker gift guide. Is that what we wanted, truly?

One: cut a hole in box

So simple, no? NO. This is a gift bag era! Any asshole can take a gift bag he received last year, put something sparkly into it, and then shove a handful of tissue paper on top. This man used an IMPLEMENT of some kind to put a hole into a cardboard box, one which appears to have been DECORATED first. And, by all accounts, he made a smooth, rounded hole, which is not done easily with a dull pair of jab-by scissors. This is much harder than tossing some glitter into a card.

Two: put your junk in that box

Again, this is a leap of faith. He’s committed to the gift, at this point. And to her. You can only put your dick in one box at a time. Alan Rickman could have purchased EIGHT necklaces for women in Love, Actually. Had he bought two, Emma Thompson would never have cried. Oh, to be sure, he could have cut holes in a variety of boxes and risked terrible paper cuts and chafing. But he’s drinking in front of the fireplace with her. This dick is for her.

Three: make her open the box

Now, here is where he abases himself to her. Will she like it? Will she agree to open said box? What if that flaccid (I assume) dick disappoints her? Note the false bravado on Andy’s face at the moment she unveils the gift. He is naked and vulnerable before the world.

He has given her what he has to give. He has given his all. His widow’s mite.

ooMuaky

Christmas; dick in a box
Hanukkah; dick in a box
Kwanzaa; a dick in a box

He’s not just hers one day a year. He is out there every single day, putting his dick in a box for her. Yeah, the bloom may be off the rose after the first time, but are you not negatively impacted by our novelty-seeking culture? Look deeper. Read some Eckhart Tolle, or some shit. Be the sort of person who sees that dick in a box for what it is: love. True love.

Merry CMA awards. Love is all around.

 

Nicole is an Editor of The Toast.


50 Comments

  2. jennycieplak +203

    I literally cannot hear the words “step one” without thinking/saying “cut a hole in the box.” I love this skit SO MUCH.

        1. lrljhnsn +25

          BB: I emailed this to T before I even finished reading, and the subject line was “step one:”

    2. mmejoy +31

      SAAAAAAME. In fact, if I say “step one” out loud, MJoy will invariably add “cut a hole in the box.”

    4. Unreadaethel +43

      I have discovered that when you do this, it gets very awkward having to explain the skit to people who are not familiar with it.

    6. Julezyme +10

      omg I know right?! and I live in England so not everyone understands why I start singing about dicks in boxes!

  4. grumblyqueer +186

    If I ever have a girlfriend and occasion to buy a strap-on at the same time, it’s going down like this.
    Even better if she’s a stone top:
    “It’s your dick in a box!”

  5. halloweenjack64 +97

    So many quote-endquote “romantic” songs would be so much more meaningful if they came with directions.

  6. angrypedestrian +143

    I mostly just can’t believe this song has only been in our lives since 2006, instead of all eternity.

  8. walrathem +41

    I have asked myself if I would find the Dick-in-a-Box song or concept anywhere near as repulsive if the singer were dressed and groomed to my idea of attractive rather than looking like a throwback to Robert Downey Jr.’s bad years.

    And after reading this I am forced to admit that under those circumstances I would only think of it as “not my thing” rather than “super-ew”. Like public proposals, or matching sports jerseys that say “His” and “Hers”. Brava Nicole, brava.

  9. Frumiosa +224

    I strongly disagree that their boxed dicks are flaccid. They are clearly fully erect and holding the boxes up on those fine men’s crotches, no hands needed.

  12. sourwatermelons +45

    Why did the song from Love Actually pop into my head as I was reading this… “I feel it in my FINGERS, I feel it in my TOES”. I’m disturbing myself.

  13. mbculver +17

    I know I say this practically every week, Nicole, but just when I think I can’t love you more, I can.

    <3<3<3

    1. deleted9457019 +29

      Yeah, if I had to choose and could only watch one of “Dick in a Box” or “Mother Lover” ever again, I think I would go with “Mother Lover.”

  16. Tinpantithesis +37

    NICOLE. I obviously loved this, but also: please tell me that you and your Aunt Peggy will do a singalong to Schuyler Sisters with her as Aunt Peggy.

  17. katenepveu +31

    I . . . actually rather like Andy Samberg on B99 these days, and I think I would rather not watch this in case it changes my opinion.

    1. Ms__M +22

      He’s not as (visually) attractive, but he is just as funny (which is its own attraction, I suppose).

      1. katenepveu +17

        It’s more that I don’t want to be reminded of the early B99 days that were heavier on “Jake needs to be less of a, well, dick” (though I admit the short hair this season is rather unexpectedly working for me).

        1. hugpunch +36

          The short hair helps so much. He looks less like an obnoxious little boy and more like an obnoxious little man.

    2. alder_tree +51

      Personally I want to know if his wife Joanna Newsom has adapted this song for the harp.

      And if so I really want to hear it.

  18. caelyd +25

    I’m holiday party drunk (I.e. On my boss’s dime which is the LOVELIEST variety of drunk) and yess dick in a box is my forever love

    Much better than the man next to me on the train who has a balloon animal heart for his S.O. A quality gift of tru luv.

  19. captainbartlet +41

    heh ok so at my school we have a long standing tradition of doing a lip synching contest during spirit week and one year the senior boys decided to do this song and they made boxes and everything but the best part was that you got extra points if you involved teachers in your routine and they got not one but TWO teachers to ALSO MAKE BOXES AND DANCE and it was the most glorious spirit week that ever was amen

  22. clarescifi

    This song actually made me like Justin Timberlake more, and I already thought he was at least okay, so you could maybe calibrate the likelihood of hating Andy Samberg after seeing this song using that info?

  23. dorianneemmerton +14

    A+ aunting Peggy. As per Canada’s own Falstaff, the true meaning of Christmas is about getting drunk and stoned with friends and family. (or if you don’t smoke or drink, just spend time with your friends and family, I think that piece is also in there.)

  24. Dorianne

    A+ aunting Peggy. As per Canada's own Falstaff, the true meaning of Christmas is about getting drunk and stoned with friends and family. (or if you don't smoke or drink, just spend time with your friends and family, I think that piece is also in there.)